Halloween Costumes: Cavewoman

Halloween Costumes: Lesbian Witches

Halloween Costumes: Sexy Maid

Halloween Costumes: Republican Worldview

"That's disgusting, her making me all horny by having her breasts right there - let's cover them up, so nobody can see them, and so they know not to look at them, write 'censored' right across those sweet, tender nipples. Now, nobody will be tempted to look at her chest with lecherous desire anymore, right?"

Halloween Costumes: Sexy Fairy

Would someone please point Sexy Fairy in the right direction? She appears to be lost out in the barn.

Halloween Costumes: Sarah Palin

Halloween Costumes: Witch, Priest, Slut

This gallery gets just as hardcore as you'd expect (with some pretty funny pics, actually) - a priest (I hope he's been tested), a witch, and a chick-in-red-generic-slut costume end up in the bedroom. It proves, yet again, that going to a halloween party as a nun or priest is the most likely way to get laid.

Halloween Costumes: Slutty Fairy

"Hey, there, fairy, what sort of magic powers do you have?"

"Any guy who takes me upstairs and fingerbangs me gets his wishes granted!"

Halloween Costumes: Snow White

Fat Chicks Do The Nasty

Chubby chasers, have faith - overweight women are just as sexually active as anybody else. Wear a raincoat, though: overweight women are at higher risk for unintended pregnancy. As far as risks go, it's not much worse than sleeping with any old skinny skank you might meet at the bars, but it sure keeps your options open.

Vatican: Sex Tests For Padres

As a means of further streamlining the types of personalities that can become Catholic priests, the Vatican is going to issue voluntary tests to weed out those with uncontrollable sexual urges, uncertain sexuality, or homosexual urges. So, if you're a well-rounded, positively masculine, absolutely-certain heterosexual (but not too assertive about it, or certain to the point of 'rigidity of character') who can eliminate his libido through nothing more than prayer and will, you're perfect to be a priest. Anyone else, go check with the Anglicans, they'll hire anybody.

Confusion Abounds in WA

A land developer in Olympia has become fed-up with the environmentalists' requirements that he handle the wetlands properly before he can build his new supermarket. The problems are mounting, so the guy is about to throw in the towel and go with Plan B: he'll build a sex emporium instead if his permits don't get approved. Now, I think he's just confusing the deciders a bit...now, wetlands are good, but sex emporiums are good too...what's a poor, liberal Olympian to do?

Careful Where You Stick It

It's a recurring warning, but for God's sakes, don't stick your dick into anything that doesn't stretch, such as a 1" x 1" chunk of 1/4" steel pipe, or else some lucky fireman will have to cut it off you. The 73-year-old guy with the homemade jewelry first hoped they'd come along with the ring-cutter, but the 'ring' he had on wasn't exactly 14-karat gold. They needed some super-powered tools, a hand-held 'whizzer' saw designed for cutting through automobile parts. After careful manipulation, they guy was free, and set loose to keep sticking his dick places where it doesn't belong.

Brazil: Hookers Be Safe!

Brazil, one of those excellent countries who not only have legalized prostitution but have begun to support their sex-workers, has offered advice on its website on how hookers can be safe, profitable, and negotiate safer sex practices. Sorry, anti-prostitution groups say: the explicit content on the website borders on pornography, and promotes prostitution, so parts of the website will be toned down. How dare the Ministry of Work support a legal business! It's downright obscene! We need prostitutes to struggle and be subject to abuse and disease in order to feel like the moral superior: when escorts begin to make a prof! it and are safer from disease and violence, how am I supposed to look down at them? It's awfully hard when your moral viewpoint isn't supported by the truth around you. Don't worry, anti-prostitution Brazilians: there's plenty of prudes in the U.S. who are on your side. Too bad they're all idiots, too.

Young Wives: Sluts!

Well, it's young wives and old men, hopefully not together (well, I guess that'd be OK: old guys gotta have fun somehow). While the overall scale of infidelity is pretty stable, the ends of the bell curve are turned upwards. infidelity in young couples and old couples have jumped quite a bit. And what's causing it? "increasing availability of pornography on the Internet...may be playing a role in rising infidelity." BASTARDS! That little bit of information isn't supported by any doctor's statements (unlike other quotes in the article), and it doesn't really say how it translates to adultery other than adjusting 'normal' sexual expectations. That should have an ! increase in BDSM, not adultery, because adultery is relatively normal according to other quotes in the article. Tara Parker-Pope of the New York Times, what makes you so anti-porn?

Evangelicals: Sluts

Evangelical teens are among the loudest to decry sex before marriage, and claim that they won't find it pleasurable, but - who knew? - evangelicals tend to be quite sexually active, with girls losing virginity around 16. The article has a good description of the differences between conservative and liberal sex: Liberals say, "have fun, be safe, don't get pregnant"; conservatives say, "don't do it at all, but when you screw up, don't worry, we take care of our own." The pairing that appears to work best would be a cross-lines pairing: the liberal will make sure things are done safe, and the conservative will be the one who's ready to hop into bed at the drop of a hat. Everybody wins!

Sex Drive / H.S. Musical Mixup

Back to Utah, are we? A movie theatre in Utah (who, presumably, won't play Zach & Miri Make a Porno) switched theatres between Sex Drive and High School Musical 3. Oops - they forgot to physically move the film, and thus a bunch of unsuspecting children were subjected to the first few minutes of Sex Drive while half-stoned college students presumably watched High School Musical 3 in its entirey without noticing. Parents, of course, didn't simply accept the mix-up and find their way to the correct theatre - they bitched management out and got free stuff, because everybody was traumatised b! y the nudity that appeared on screen during those first fleeting minutes of Sex Drive, particularly the parents. As things usually go, I'm sure the kids were more traumatised by their parent's ensuing nudity-related freakout, thus further damaging their Mormon-tainted morality.

Red: Get The Guy

That 'little red dress' fetish might not be all in your head. Red, as far as colors go, makes men more receptive to a woman. I'd like to think it's why there's such a predominance of redheads on this website, too. Now, that Sesame Street Elmo costume you wear might help a little, but, sorry, it'll primarily only work on other furries.

DST: Sleep, not Sex

When Daylight Savings Time brings us a boon like an extra hour of night-time, over half of men would like to spend that hour having sex. Women, however, aren't so receptive: they'd rather sleep than have sex. When you don't draw gender lines, it's pretty much even, but that doesn't mean something can't be worked out. As long as she doesn't mind a little jostling, both sides can get what they want, right?

Deep Throat Director Dies

Gerard Damiano, the porn director behind one of the key movers in the porn chic genre, has passed away at age 80. Damiano was a former hairdresser who got into B-movies for fun, a trail which eventually led him to direct Deep Throat - one of the most profitable films of all time, but Damiano's connection with the mob for financing cut him out of the loop, and like the stars he didn't make much from it. He stuck with the porn industry, despite the pushing of obscenity laws in response to Deep Throat, and worked into the '90s. Damiano had experienced a stroke last month, and finally succumbed on the 25th of Octob! er.

Punk Threesome Bathtime

OK, there's nothing worse than an unorganized group bubble bath - what they need is somebody to be in charge, and I'm the dick to do it. First: pissed-looking-girl-with-the-puffies, you eat out scared-looking-exotic-girl-with-the-tattoo. Next, pink-haired-pierced-chick, stick that ass in the air, because I'm fucking you from behind while I watch the other two. See, was that so complicated? It's sure a good thing I was here.

Maybe Nude = Arrested!

A woman on a train in Utah - yes, Utah again - was taken off a train by the Transit Authority and "questioned" regarding whether she was wearing appropriate leg-coverings. Accusations had been made by other riders that the woman was riding the train without any pants on. Turns out, they were abso-fucking-ly right: she had absolutely no pants on, but she had on a miniskirt that blended in with the long coat she was wearing. She was instead turned over to the Fashion Police, who told her that if it was that freakin' cold, wear a longer skirt.

End Marriage With Fire

If you're getting cold feet, you're better off just running away from the church and pretending you got stuck in traffic or abducted by aliens. Setting fire to the building isn't the best option. Little did he know, that a pissed-off woman in a wedding dress is the most dangerous land animal in the world.

Sex At Work: 20%

One in five British subjects fucks somebody else at work, in the literal sense. Now, when looking at the math, you can't really have one in five having sex, so it's better said to be two out of ten. Next time there's a company meeting or an employee birthday cake, survey your surroundings: if you haven't had workplace sex, pick 9 other people, and you can assume at least two of 'em have bumped uglies on the conference room table. Know what this means? You're missing out, loser.

Utah: Fucked Up Morals

Here's a perfect example of what's fucked up with American conservatism.

Megaplex Theatres refused to book the Weinstein Company's new R-rated comedy "Zack and Miri Make a Porno," starring Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks, saying it's too raunchy for religious, conservative audiences...Asked why Megaplex has no problem showing the R-rated, ultra-violent "Saw V," which shows a man forced to crush his own hands to escape a pendulum cutting him in half, Gunderson said: "No comment."

Jesus christ, people; and the sad, sad thing is that this attitude isn't just a Utah thing. Sex in movies: "oh, no, that's too much, what if it gives kids ideas?" Violence in mo! vies: "oh, even young children understand consequences and know not to burst each others' eyeballs for fun." That is so ass-backwards that my head's going to explode.

Really Loves her MacBook Air

Geez, woman - I know that Mac is coming out with a new sexy laptop, but you shouldn't goo up your MacBook Air just yet. Mac masturbation needs to be done responsibly, young lady.

Free Porn On In-Car TV

How lucky can this guy be? While working at his delivery job, the rear-view TV system in Dirkan Ohnayan's car began displaying unsolicited pornography. Me, I've gotta look for it online or rent it at the dirty bookstore, but somehow, in some Ontario suburb, pornography is beamed directly into people's cars. That makes Canada only three steps away from a perfect society where porn is zapped directly into people's brains, thus removing all erotic reasons to leave the house.

Nude Biathlon Calendar

Canadian biathlon (biathlon?) athletes are doing what every young, athletic women from progressive countries do: fundrasing through nudity. The calendar itself is probably worth the money, but you may have another incentive to buy it: when you're visiting Canada, and a young lady skates up to you with a gun and says, "buy my nude pictures," it doesn't matter how hot she is, you do it.

Marriage = Hot Sex?

According to a Church of England website, you get the most poon in your life when you're married. Well, I suspect they mean with your wife, which may be the equivalent of trading in the high-priced candy store for a lifetime supply of Twizzlers. Not that Twizzlers are bad, mind you, but sometimes everyone needs to taste some European dark chocolate. Anyhow, we all know that clergy of any church are high on most people's "gettin' laid the most" list, so they seem to be a trusted source. If they're not making stuff up, take it ! as a sign for your faith: the Church of England promises to get you laid more than any other church.

UK Ruining Future

The U.K. may be one of the only places that allows human DNA to be inserted into infertile animal embryos, but not for long - the fear of humanzees and minotaurs has Brits screaming, "NO!", without realizing just how totally awesome that would be. I mean, who doesn't want a minotaur? I mean, they're a cow with fuckin' arms - they could mow the lawn, carry lumber, defend our ports from terrorists, and when their usefulness has been exhaused, they provide the tenderest steaks ever, due to all the virgin princesses they devour. Oh, that last part I didn't think about. I wonder if virgin humanzee princesses work. Two birds with one stone! Stupid po! pulist anti-geneticists.

Tom Jones Is Back

Holy crap, women's panties are quivering with excitement: Tom Jones, venerable swoon-inducing force, has a new album out, and his first single is hitting the airwaves. The song is called "If He Should Ever Leave You", and you can listen to it here. Women with heart problems, diabetes, and women who may be or are intending to become pregnant should consult a physician first.

Too Ugly To Work

Here's a warning: if you're too ugly, you're going to be unemployed, even if it's not your fault. You deliberately ugly people, with your sharpied-eyebrows and bad goatees, you've got no excuse, so pull up your pants and cover your embarassing tattoos, and you might not have so much to complain about: at least you're not the guy in the article, who's ugly and can't help it!

Gay Sibling = Sluts!

There appears to be a correlation between being gay and having slutty siblings, according to new research. The more sexual partners a person had, the more likely to have a gay sibling. The numbers guy in me then wonders if the problem is not frequency, but how vocal they are - people who view sex as less vital to their life will have fewer partners but also be more likely to still be closeted. Any which way, if you've got a gay friend, make sure they have a hot sister - it'll pay off, because the science says so.

Explosive Prime-Time TV

All is quiet, you're the only person in the house, you settle on the couch for a few minutes of television. You aim the remote and - KABOOM - you're now sitting on your front yard looking like Wile E Coyote. A undetected propane leak in a Montana home did just that, making it past such things as lights turning on, until the hapless homeowner tried to watch some television. Good thing: she survived. They make 'em tougher in Montana.

Palin on a Dead Bear

Poor Sarah Palin: everyone wants to see her nude. Now, if you're in Chicago and can crawl down to the Old Town Ale House, you can get a glance of her Alaskan cooter. Apparently, the guy who painted her actually likes Palin, and wanted to portray in all her gloray, a'la Venus on a Halfshell. Except, it's Palin on a Dead Bear. Close enough, I guess.

For Novelty Uses Only

They're 'for novelty purposes' for a reason: they're highly poisonous, thanks to Chinese production quality. Melamine, killer of dogs and babies, is now killing another natural resource: perverts. Those sexy flavored body cremes, made by the cheapest bidder, are showing up with dearly melamine inside. Well, nobody has actually died, and the levels are quite low, but it still goes to show that, no matter what it's flavored, Chinese things don't do in the mouth.

Emily's Wet T-Shirt Bath

Emily is having some trouble in the bath: she forgot to undress before hopping in the suds. She's in luck, though - I'm perfectly capable of peeling her sopping clothes from her wet skin without any trouble. I'm just that kind of nice guy: