Dress Like Fight Club!

Finally, something on men's fashion that doesn't look uncomfortable and stupid: How To Dress Like Fight Club, via Mark Ecko. The best thing on there: that down-filled winter vest. When I was younger, back when they first came out, I had one of those puffy blue down-filled coats and it was awesome; somewhere in the basement, I have a vintage 70s racing jacket, also puffy and filled with something warm. Stay away from the Thinsulate, guys, it just doesn't have the same effect.

Cone Bras!

Cone bras are coming back, according to something called a "John Lewis" (in Cockney rhyming slang I bet that means "Wal-Mart"). Sales of conical bras are up 33%, meaning women are feeling more perkier about their breast supports these days. All I can say is that the breasts seen in early 60s films are some of the greatest boobage in history: I sure hope those 33% in new shoppers are buying tight sweaters with their new bra acquisitions.

Hot Priest Vestments!

At first glance, I wonder why Catholics are posting female models in priest garb, but then I remembered that Anglicans have no problem hiring babes to teach the Bible. So it's no surprise designer Maria Sjodin wants to wrap those hot clergy in something befitting their babalicious nature. Oh, Sweden, you know just how to get guys back into church:

Pattinson Panties!

I'm sure, if you're here looking for porn, you're a Twilight fan - it only makes sense, right? - so here's an opportunity to purchase the greatest Twilight fashion accessory ever: Robert Pattinson underwear. They're handmade, and purposefully designed so that sparkly vampire's puckered lips are right against your cunt. Not only are they attractive, they're functional!

Vulva Jewelry!

This is what Georgia O'Keefe would produce if she were a sculptor instead of a painter: tiny vulva necklaces!. It's only the start, though: the SexSF post has a multitude of Etsy art themed around woman's body parts. I can absolutely say this is the only place in the universe you'll see the words "Frida Kahlo uterus plushie" together. Amazing.

Sex = Richer!

Ohmigod - and if a researcher said it, it must be true! The Evening Standard reports that you make more money if you jump from sex monthly to sex weekly, essentially doubling your income with a four-fold increase in sexual activity. I mean, here's the solution for our economy, because if - oh, wait a god damned second. When I went from no sex to Gracie-sex, my income didn't budge - here's what's going on: Going from monthly-sex to weekly-sex makes you as happy as doubling your income. AS HAPPY AS. Fucking London reporter can't read the god damned study right, getting everybody's hopes up, I'm so depressed I think I need to go have my daily sex, which is another 7x as often as once a week, which makes me practically a fucking millionare.

Firefighter Wet T-Shirts!

The uniforms of the Australian fire department have been upgraded from traditional blue to high-visibility orange. Problem is, the new shirts are sheer enough that they become transparent when wet. The guy firefighters don't have much of a problem; the female firefighters, on the other hand, do have trouble with the wet t-shirts (although my guess is the guys don't have a problem with that, either). Solution: Facebook petition! That totally always works, rather than bringing the problem to supervisors or to city officials. The Facebook petition may have accomplished something: higher-ups have said newer shirts will be thicker and have breast-pockets, to reduce embarassing nipple exposure. Watch for the old shirts at the nearest Coyote Ugly bar.

Shirt Interpretation!

Dudes: Guys, what does your shirt say about you? Sure, it does go into Jon Goselin territory, which should normally disqualify it from being on this site, but it does have some winning comments: Turtleneck: You’re moderately enjoying yourself at your first night ever in a bar. Biggest take-away from the list: no matter what you wear, guys, some dude who has a blog thinks you're a douche who can't get laid.

Breast Hypnotist!

Ladies, don't resort to uncomfortable bras or risky surgeries to make your breasts bigger - it's all in your head! Your cup size is entirely a construct of your mind, according to hypnotist David Knight, who can make you a cup size bigger just by listening to the sultry sounds of his voice. He claims an 85% success rate, or admits that one out of every seven sales invokes his moneyback guarantee, however you want to look at it. His logic is ironclad, though: "Every lady’s breasts have been grown by the mind. The mind grows it, so the mind can enhance it. Fact." Fact! You heard the man, now, ladies, spend your days willing your breasts bigger, and you'll put the whole fucking silicone implant industry out of business. Huge boobs for anybody with a positive mindset!

Be Schrute!

Awesome and a half: here's how to dress like Dwight Schrute from the Office. If you saw the Jimnpam Wedding episode, you'll see that Dwight had worn the infamous three wolves shirt in order to pick up the ladies - and it fucking worked. The show's a freakin' documentary, so you know it's absolutely true. Dress like Dwight, and you'll tap more ass than a one-legged man at an ass-tapping contest. Wait, what?

Steal Guy Clothes!

Ladies, you need to understand: when you wear guy clothes, is makes us hard. Very. The Frisky has a handy list of your boyfriend's clothes that you should steal and wear yourself. My interpretation: Jean Jacket: hot. Button-down work shirt: holy fucking shit that's hot. Plaid shirt: quite hot. The Boyfriend Jacket: Eh, just kinda hot. Sweatshirt: very hot. Old-Man Cardigan: Sorta h--wait, why are you dating a guy who wears an old-man cardigan? Does he have grandkids he loves to talk about? The one thing I'd like to add to their list, which has to be the hottest fucking thing known to man, is a woman wearing those waffle-fabric long underwear, underneath a pair of men's suspender overalls. I'm rock hard just thinking about it. Another note on, in particular, wearing your boyfriend's cardigan or blazer: in wearing either a conservative cardigan or a men's sport-coat, neither of which were cut for your frame, you run the risk of being mistaken for a theatre major or fashion-marketing major. Apply at your own risk.

Left-Handed Undies!

As if there weren't enough thing for left-handed people - special scissors, they switch their mouse around, an entire driving system in the UK - now they've got left-handed undies. Where will it stop?!? Somehow there's a degree of dexterity in penis-handling that a southpaw can't manage; I must be ambi-urine-ous, because I use either hand, depending on where I'm standing. Are these guys writing with their pee? That I could understand being a lefty issue. Just hitting the bottom of the urinal? I can do that no-handed half the time.

Guys Like Ratty Undies!

The Frisky wants to know why guys continue to wear underwear until it falls apart. My answer: because we can. And laziness. And cute boxers with cartoon characters all over them are expensive; I don't want to have to buy another Scooby Doo pair until these ones disintegrate. I have no particular attachment to any of them, except for the fact that I don't want to buy any more. And, I proudly point out that some are over ten years old, and there's nary a skidmark in any of them. That'd get them tossed out for sure.

Swedish Bra Explosion!

The Swedish army has a brassiere problem: the bras pop open during vigorous movement, and aren't fire-resistant. The fire resistant one is an important one, because nobody wants to see burned Swedish boobs, but the bra that lets boobies bounce freely titillates guys like me. Young Swedish soldiers undressing to refasten bras makes me want to enlist in their army. Nubile Scandinavian boobs and a chance to fly a Gripen? There's a reason Sweden is called heaven on earth; even the army is cooler than pretty much anywhere else in the world.

Butt Jean Ads!

Dude, Mexico is totally the awesomest place in the world. Look at these jeans they have, which make asses look like ASSES. Shit, all we get are push-up bras that make tits look awesome. Er, no, that's pretty good, too, let's keep those, but there's no reason why people south of the border can have something that we fine Americans are deprived of. This, people, is why we need NAFTA: fine Mexican ass jeans. Without it, our fashion model industry will be taken over by high-assed, cheaper illegal immigrants. It's coming, and it looks like three hours of squats a day.

No Wedding Ring!

No wedding ring for us yet, but I've been wearing my high school class ring for the last twenty years, so it sorta applies: These are the places it's OK to leave off your wedding ring, guys, and two of the four - around the house and while doing yard work - are plenty innocent, but taking off the ring at the gym and the strip club are definitely excuses to flirt a little more. Don't tell your wife that, though, because she won't understand, you know. Tell her the stuff about the weights and injuries, and, hell, don't even try telling her about the strip club if she's not invited.

Boob Job Needed?

Em & Lo ask, guys, is there ever a good reason for a woman to get a boob job? The answer is, no, but I like boobs. This does prove, however, that women get boob job for themselves, or because of comparison of other women, and not because they give a damn about men's opinions of their boobs. The "duh" moment there is that once nakedness starts happening, boobs size is low on the list of important things; sure, the touching, twisting, sucking, and fondling of said boobs is a rather high priority, but - dude! - you're touching boobs at that point, nobody cares how big they are.

Sluttiest AmAp Ads!

If you have seen American Apparel ads and wondered, "hey, these don't look as slutty as they could be," here's the ones you're looking for: the fifty hottest AA ads in history. Some are gimmies: if you remember, American Apparel hired pornstars to sexy their ads up more than they already were, which is a feat never before seen in human history. Makes you want to buy some tube socks right now, I tell you what.

Fancy Butt Eyes!

If you've ever wished a woman's ass would look back at you, you're in luck! A "scraggly-bearded grandpa" has designed pants that wink when she walks. It's more of a "damn, her pants are ill-fitting and wrinkle funny when she walks" put to good use, and, I mean, I can't complain about having an excuse to admire a woman's posterior. They also have movie-scene things, owls, and a lion, in case you really need an obnoxious way to attract attention with your butt.

Dissolving Bikini!

You've probably heard about the so-called dissolving bikini. Well, somebody has tested it out, and it actually sorta works. It doesn't look like it "dissolves", exactly - no *poof*, bikini gone - but it does fall apart pretty quickly once it gets wet. Bonus: a couple minutes of sexy tits under water. Personally, I think I should sue: I had exactly this idea when I was 14 years old. (via)

Embroidery!

Unless I'm seeing the same stuff on several blogs, embroidered men's shirts seem to be the fashion this fall. Most are flowery and unmasculine, but the one below struck my fancy. Epaulets, a contrasting color for wear-lining at the collar and wrists, and - and this is key, guys: asymmetrical. Symmetrical at the shoulders: cowboy look. Symmetrical all the way down the chest: victorian-fop look. Just on the wrists or shoulders is subtle enough to be acceptable, but don't embroider that art-nouveau, french-curvey stuff all over, it looks lame.

Guys: Pubic Shaving?

Or, er, make sure you shave. Lemondrop says don't do it, but the reader comments say that's a crock of shit. Asylum, on the other hand, says grooming is fine, but too meticulous is nuts, but the comments say, yes, greenskeeping is necessary. Me? I don't do anything down there; my dick takes care of itself. Maybe I need to start trimming a bit; no complaints so far, but, well, if she's concerned about your hairstyle down there, she might not be paying attention to the more important parts of the sexual encounter.

Unsexy T-Shirts!

I don't think anyone actually buys or wears these shirts (they do attract site visitors, though), like half of the crap in Spencer's, but Lemondrop has picked out some of the most misogynistic t-shirts seen online and has given them a verbal thrashing. "No sex for you," says the women to the guy wearing the shirt, but I will point something out. Women like assholes, so let's say I wear an asshole shirt, you give me crap, I'm nice back, and you say, "awwww, I'm kinda drunk, he's actually a nice guy, and I want to fuck somebody." It's not that they're repelling all women; they're attracting a certain kind of woman. Everybody wins! (via)

Monroe Bra Secret!

Whaddayaknow: Marilyn Monroe's bra was magical. The structure was designed to lift and make her 36D breasts more prominent (yay!), and with such intelligence that it could only have come from the mind of a mechanical engineer. The happiest mechanical engineer in the universe.

Leather Band-Aids!

Feel that your medical supplies just aren't badass enough? Try out some all-leather band-aids, so that when you cut yourself trying to open that wine cooler, you can show people you're actually more hardcore than that. Appears to be part of some "impractically thought-provoking art project that blogs love to link to and now people will say 'hi' to me at SXSW next year", but you can still buy them at $15 for a pack.


(Via.)

Male Butterface?

The unthrilling term "butterface" is a condensing of the phrase "...but her face", meaning a hot body but ugly face. The Frisky wants to know, is there a male equivalent to that phrase? Well, with the recent revelation that ugly men are more fertile, the real male counterpart to "butterface" is "the father of my children".

Penis Tattoo: Useful!

If you've ever wondered why guys get penis tattoos, here you go: A gentleman has been cleared on indecent exposure charges, because he had a penis tattoo, the indecent penis did not. The accusers said nothing appeared different or odd about the penis that had been exposed on the train, but when Mr. Penis Dragon whipped his out for the courts (er, I bet it was more low-key than that), he showed his penis was anything but normal. So, men, run out today and get tattoos on your penises: it'll make sure you avoid various sex-offender crimes. Just remember it'll make you easier to catch if you do decide to show off your tattoo in public.

Go Vintage!

Men's Style has an exceedingly annoying flash interface for it (otherwise I would have given it separate appropriate links), but sometimes stylish people can be idiots, too, and it's too cool to overlook. They've released a list of awesome vintage stuff that will make you look cool today, which includes some awesome things like vintage erotica and vintage cameras, both of which are excellent lists despite some minor snubs (no K1000? For shame.) A lot is, of course, out of the price range of an average shmo, but for once the overpriced stuff is actually worth it, unlike the majority of stuff on these style sites.

Peniswear!

Sometimes, when you get dressed, do you feel like there's just not enough penis in your fashion? First, which I find most amusing, is a t-shirt printed to look like your penis is exiting the waistband. I abso-fuckingly-lutely had this happen to me in school with some low-cut jeans I never wore again; my un-tucked shirt hid everything, but it could happen. Secondly, there's a penis tie, which looks like no fucking penis I've ever seen. Whoever modeled for that tie needs to get checked by a doctor fast. Don't wear the two together, though: two touching penis heads will make everyone uncomfortable.

Slut Identifier!

The Daily Mail, source for all kinds of awesome, has published the results of a scientific study which identifies the sexiest, most self-confident women who have the best sex lives. Short answer: Bright Red Lipstick will almost always get you the best lady. Women to avoid: Peach lipstick.

Goths In Hot Weather

Summer is here, the beaches are open, the bathing suits are tiny, and the goths are dripping. Goths in Hot Weather is a very new blog, in which photographs of people dressed all in black at the beach are mocked gently and evaluated in two categories: Gothiness and Sweatiness. I've always been a fan of wearing black, but that was because I'm badass, not because the ennui of life has reminded me of my mortality. I at least know how to dress when heading out into the sun. The best quotes are the goths who think they're "scaring" the locals. Keep telling yourself that, morons; mostly, the locals are too polite to laugh out loud. (via)

Attractiveness Pressure = Bad!

Hey, The Frisky, you're fucking women up! After yesterday's comment about women trying to look sexy at work, take this grain of salt: pressure to look attractive causes a fear of rejection. I suppose, a healthy desire to look good for your own sake isn't a horrible thing, but the social expectation that a woman be attractive by general standards (toenail polish is sexy: wear it even if you can't see it!) is making women neurotic. Stop being neurotic, ladies, you're probably hot enough if you're worried about trying to be hotter.

Bodypaint For Peace!

Is there nothing bodypaint can't do? Recently, it solved the problem or war in the world, via the Bullets 4 Peace fundraiser. Unsurprisingly, I could find very little about Bullet 4 Peace, but a whole fuckload of pictures from the show.

Stupid Men's Accessories!

You think you're all fashionable and shit because you've bought yourself some thick, black frames and wear sandals everywhere you go? Think again, hipster loser, you're poorly accessorizing! Slideshows, by nature, are annoying, but this one has included some funny:
"Jester Hats:
What He Thinks It Says About Him: I'm the life of the party!
What It Actually Says About Him: I am a sad clown."

Fashion By 8-Year Old!

I haven't been doing my fashion stuff as much lately, because, fashion fucking sucks. So, for the next fifteen minutes, I say go check out the first guy I've found to trust with style ideas: Arlo Weiner, son of some Mad Men guy, who is the youngest GQ fashion correspondent. Come on, your name is wiener, you're freakin' eight, so the air of pretension is completely gone. Dress like you're eight: you want attention, you intend to jump down stairs rather than walking, and your bike is also considered flight apparatus. Like in the "evil overlord" list, check with a kid first: if a grade-schooler thinks your fashion sucks, go change your clothes, nerd.

Date Nerds!

Your Tango thinks you could do well to date a geek, which is a nice change from the useless stories about how to attract attractive, affluent men. They only give 4 reasons, because doing a list of 5 or 10 was too hard to come up with more reasons. Number 4 is the kicker: while the first three are about how 'nice guys' are nice, the fourth one is all about how he'll put up with you changing his fashion sense. Ladies, just what you want: a nice, compliant guy without an ego, who'll let you dress him up like those attractive, affluent men you really want. This pretty much guarantees that, in two or three months, you'll be that hot crazy chick he was banging until he finally couldn't take it anymore. Good luck, ladies!

Japanese Granny Panties!

These spandex hotpants are all the rage in Japan right now, at least if I can trust anything the internet says about Japan. They're called buruma, slang for 'bloomers' in Japanese, and they look like a cross between tight tennis shorts and granny panties (click the 'mature content' link to see the pics):

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(via)

Scary Sexy Eyes!

Holy fuck, have you ever been revolted and turned on at the same time, like the one time you saw pictures of your grandma when she was twenty? The Doll Eye has funky anime-like contacts, which make your iris larger, and the pupils look dilated. It doesn't help that they put them in the eyes of a 3-inch-tall elf for the photos. Dark eyes with huge pupils have always been a big turn-on for me, but there's an uncanny-valley level incongruity here. Maybe I'll only masturbate a little.

Nerd Boyfriend!

Want to look all nerdy and shit like William Faulkner or Emo Philips? Check out sparse fashion blog nerd boyfriend, thus ensuring that the only chicks you attract have cat-eye glasses, bad haircuts, a Moleskine poetry journal in her purse, and a crazy streak that'll keep the bedroom happy and the restraining orders a'flying. Fuck, that actually sounds kinda fun. (via)

Bulletproof Bra!

It seems like there's a story almost exactly like this every couple months: Innocent bystander deflects a stray bullet with her bra, saving her life. Women, this is the last time I want to hear you complain about how uncomfortable, how pinchy, how ugly your bras are - they are fucking keeping you alive. As the zombie/Mad-Max end-of-the-world approaches, you'll need all the stray-bullet protection you can get.

Manly Bib!

Feel like you're coming up a little short in the 'manly chest' department? Up your game with a little piece of plastic, a "manly" bib with a much musclier and hairier chest than your nerdy body actually has. Coming up next: manly underpants.

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Brassiere Savant!

A ninety-year-old chinese man retired from his job last year, but is returning to his chosen career after hearing there was such a demand for his job. His mastered skill? Perfect bra construction based on merely observing said breasts. It must be tough, having a job in which he must just look at breasts all day. My abilities in bra-making require me to touch the breasts for about, oh, fifteen, twenty minutes, and then maybe I can draw a picture of a bra afterwards. My skills aren't in as much demand.

Career: Braologist!

Who do you go to when you need to know more about breasts? New Zealand "Braologist" Carol Rashleigh. Sadly, "braologist" is in quotes because few universities actually issue degrees in braology, despite the number of online "universities" that offer "courses" in such. And by "universities" I mean "porn sites", and by "courses" I mean "pearl necklace videos". Braologist Rashleigh has come forward to announce something important: New Zealand women's breasts are getting too big for their bras, practically erupting through the lace and silk. Get better bras, ladies, and do what the braologist says!