Porsche's Sleek Kitchen

Dan Neil of the LA Times gets cute with his description of the Porsche Design Kitchen P'7340. Neil says is a 'Man's Kitchen', even though the Porsche/Poggenpohl website says nothing of the sort, so we'll have to take his word for it. The kitchen itself is only innovative in its use of electronically controlled cabinet doors, which, if you've ever cooked in a kitchen, would probably be a pain in the ass if your hands are covered in raw chicken juice and all you need is a different knife. As with! any 'concept car', there's always a degree of impracticality to show off the neat stuff designers come up with. The rest of the kitchen's features, however, are high-end appliances, which any cook would enjoy. Still, as for calling it a man's kitchen? It reeks of 80's modernism-minimalism, which really doesn't appeal to me (what do you expect from Porche?), but I don't see anything that would set this apart from any other high-end kitchen. If the general assumption is that men are neanderthals who can barely prepare ramen for themselves, the complexity of the appliances would betray that look. Maybe the lack of obvious appliances is supposed to satisfy some need for men to have an unnoticeable kitchen. Oh, yeah, and as Neil points out, it has a TV, which appeals to both "straight or gay" people, because it's a known fact that who you fuck affects yo! ur appliance purchases. Stay classy, Neil.

Manly Chairs

I love shipping pallets; so much raw wood that gets character from whatever was shipped. If I had more balls, I'd start stealing them from places along the road on my way to work, if they sit there more than a week or so. Some people have come up with plans for how to recycle shipping pallet wood into useable furniture, like chairs and tables. I hope they sanded well, though; it's asking for a splinter in the ass.

Greatest Bra Ever

Dita Von Teese has come up with an invention men have wanted for centuries: quick-release lingerie. No word on if it comes with a "BOI-OI-OI-OING" sound effect when used.

Butt Pads: Oh Good Lord

While I can understand people who need them for medical reasons, men are getting padded undies so they look like they have an ass, for cosmetic reasons. Guys, first of all: if a woman rejects you because she looked at everything else and was accepting, but then got to your ass and went, woah, damn, dude, do something about it, she was a jerk to begin with. Would women put up with a guy who continually reminds her how small her tits are, and would prefer looking at a padded bra over touching the actual small breasts? Self esteem is the recommendation for gals worried about size, so, guys, get over yourselves and get some self esteem before you start stuffing your ass. Wait, that s! ounded wrong, but I think you get my drift. Waitasec -- "We're developing a pec-pad shirt right now," Timlock says. "It's a sleeveless V-neck T-shirt. Pockets on each side, where your pecs are, that the pads fit into..." Jesus Christ guys, go to the freakin' gym or do push-ups every morning if it's that bad.

Dudes Removing Hair: LAME

According to a press release (which are entirely factual, of course) Laser hair removal is apparently quite popular among men these days, because a slick-as-a-salamander man is oh so sexy. While I agree that the wookie-look is to be avoided, men are supposed to have discrete hair on their arms and chests, 5-o'clock shadow sometime mid-afternoon, and a van dyke if they so choose. Near-permanent hair removal is not the way to go, guys; when women realize that you look creepy, you won't be able to go back to your current fuzzy sexiness.

Trophy Ring: For Idiots

The Trophy Ring is a gold ring with a silver outside, so when you cut it, the 'gouge' shows through. What sort of things can you count by the marks? How about: how many times you want your guy friends to think you've gotten laid? Or, what about: how many times you've been asked by a woman what the ring means, blushed, and then lied because you're afraid it'll turn her off?



Guys, the attitude that showing off that you sleep around doesn't make you sexy. Oh, by all means, get laid as much as possible, but if you think that broadcasting it will make the difference between getting laid and not getting laid, you've made a terrible mistake of logic. "No, really, babe, the ring shows how I've slept with six women then neglected to call them back because I was devoting my time to sleeping with other women," might fly with stupid women, but, come on, if that's the problem then, again, you're doing it wrong. Being charming and attractive goes a long ways, and trying to reassure yourself that you can get laid by wearing a stupid ring demonstrates your lack of charm and wit.

Voluntary Sexworker - OK!

This year's AIDS conference in Mexico learned something that would make a Conservative's head asplode: there are sex workers who are perfectly happy and voluntarily doing what they do. "The idea is that we are all doe-eyed victims of human trafficking who need rescuing, but for many of us that is so far from the truth," said an Asian sex worker from the US. "We just want to be recognised as workers like any other." But...but, she was forced to do that, right? Only through violence and drugs would any woman be manipulated into making money through sex, right? All this! narrow-mindedness about prostitution is missing the boat, and it's no wonder efforts to 'help' aren't as successful as they should be.

Pantyhose, Guys?

OK, this is proof that the story is batshit insane: their first assumption is to blame Batman for a perceived increase in men's pantyhose wearing. BATMAN?!? It's a good thing for the journalist that Batman is a good guy, or she'd have to get herself an armed escort (not that it'd help against Batman, anyway). OK, back to pantyhose: there's talk, it seems, that more men are wearing pantyhose than ever before, although the article doesn't explain why or how they reached the conclusion, other than the writer overheard something about male pantyhose and went, "no fucking way, really? Thursday deadline, I've got you done on Tuesday!" While I don't o! bject to it in principle, for personal reasons unrelated to fashion; however, as a fashion statement: Men, don't do it. In the words of a fashion editor: "It's metrosexuality gone stark raving mad."

Kilting The Mailman

US postal carriers have a pretty standard uniform, although individuals can request particulars for their special needs -- like this 'special needs' guy who wants to wear a kilt to be part of the standard uniform. I'll note that female postal carriers have pants, shorts, and skirt as an option, but guys don't...I may have to support this just for equality among the sexes; if a female postal worker were denied pants because she were a girl, there'd be hell to pay. Now matter how silly a guy might look in a kilt, it's his right as a man to wear one!

Bullet-Proof Bra

German police have a new part to their uniform: the so-called "bullet-proof bra". It's not bullet-proof on its own; it's designed to be worn underneath a bulletproof vest, to prevent bra-related injuries that might occur if a woman was shot in the chest while wearing a unisex bulletproof vest. All I can imagine is the premium hot chicks will pay to have bras with "POLIZEI" embroidered across the bottom. Hold on, let me reflect on that image for a while...

Hipsters: End Of Western Civ

Adbusters says: hipsters are destroying Western civilization. Manufactured and devoid of meaning, but reflected the shallow consumerism foisted upon us through media. Eh, it makes it easier to tell the cool people from the lame ones: check their shirts for a clothing brand-name printed out in huge letters across their chest, and that's a pretty easy clue.

How Much Grooming, Men?

Tad and Molly at the Times Online chit-chat about men wearing makeup -- verdict? Molly: "what women want is men who are stylish without being vain."

Good God, Put Down The Makeup

Apparently, there's a niche and need for "men's makeup". Dave Navarro and Marilyn Manson are about the only two guys who can pull it off, and that's because either one of them can kick your fuckin' ass twice before you hit the ground. The rest of you guys? Put down the mascara, have a whiskey coke, watch a movie about racecars or outer space, and then you can have your man-card back. Christ, if you're objective is to look more feminine than your girlfriend, you're missing the point.

Boots With Buckles

Since we're talking about feet and I've got shoes on my mind -- If you're out shopping for some ass-kicking kick-ass boots, promise me you won't pull any of this bullshit:



These are Gucci boots, priced at $990 at Nieman Marcus. Yes, they're in the men's shoes section, even though they look like cast-offs from a Joan Jett video. Nearly a freaking grand for some ugly ass boots. No, those buckles are useless -- they zip on the side away from the camera (although, according to Gucci, the buckles are "antiqued", which means "I'm pretending to look like someone who actually wears boots with buckles"). So, let's add it up -- four fucking buckles, laces up the front, and it zips. Two of the buckles apparently hold down a flap over the laces, which isn't such a bad idea, if these were practical boots in any sense.

Here's what you need to do if these even remotely appeal to you: go to a store that sells boots, ask for "engineer boots", and try them on until you find ones that fit. The single buckle over the ankle doesn't make for a great fit, so try on a bunch. Some will feel like galoshes, really wide around the ankle and toes, but if you sample enough you'll find the right ones for you. Engineer boots are all relatively similar in construction, but the soles are probably one of the big things to check -- some have really smooth bottoms, some have waffle soles. The boots hold your ankle relatively stiff, so a smooth sole might be too slippery for some floors. If the fifty dollar ones fit, great, if the $200 ones fit, good for you. If anyone tries to sell you thousand dollar boots with "antiqued" buckles slapped on all over, kick them in the crotch.

Digging Out My Chuck Taylors

Until I catch the eye of manufacturers and start getting review samples, I feel like I'm stuck giving obvious information. Still, looking at the "men's fashion" blogs out there (which are still stuck in metrosexuality, it seems) are missing the average guy's fashion, stuff that doesn't cost a couple hundred bucks and you'd cry if you spilled anything on it because the label says the poufy shirt can only be hand-washed by eunuch monks of outer mongolia. So, here's my fashion tip, which evolves from a guy getting dressed in the morning.

See, it's summer, but my fashion doesn't change much: jeans, t-shirt, whatever socks sorta match; Gracie says my socks don't match, but they're black and the same length, and that's close enough. In other footware news, last year I bought a pair of brown leather bowling-style shoes whose looks improve the more scuffed up they get. However, they're leather, my feet are sweaty, so I dug out my summer footwear -- Chuck T All-Stars by Converse:



In my dad's generation, these were pretty much all you had, aside from what we'd call 'dress' shoes today. Black or white were the poor kid's versions, but if your dad had a good job, you might be able to get red or blue ones, but that'd be a stretch (dad wouldn't want to spoil you, you know). By the time I was a kid, they were retro, and my parents bought me Chuck Ts of my own. Sadly, I was a poor kid, too, so I got the discount-rack Converse that were, for the most part, the previous year's 'special edition' monstrosities (like these from this year). One year, I got All-Stars with Rolling Stones lips all over them, another year they had thicker treads and were billed as 'outdoorsman' Chuck Taylors. When I got my own money, I went for the best kind of All-Stars: Black. They were what guitarists, artists, mechanics, and pizza delivery guys wore. Yeah, I wasn't aspiring to high-income careers, but style isn't about looking like a million dollars. That's what the fashion blogs are missing -- looking like the somebody you want to be.

So, for years I've always had a pair of Chuck Ts in my closet, not to wear to work (it's asking to lose a toe), but for knuckling around in. I also picked up a pair of white All-Stars, just for a little variety and a half-assed attempt at acting like I pick my shoes to match my outfit. Last week I picked up my paycheck wearing the black All-Stars, and the hot tattooed chick at work complimented me on my footwear -- scuffy leather bowling shoes, no reaction, but All-Stars, they did the trick.

Chinos For Your Legs

As I've mentioned before, I'm a crappy dresser in the summer. Pretty much everything in my closet is described as "rugged," which keeps me from having to replace things every month, but it doesn't keep me all that cool in the summer. I used to end up wearing jeans all summer anyway, just because I'm not big on shorts and they fit me well. So, when we combine the degree of heat-containing clothes I wear on a regular basis, it looks like I'm just begging to get heatstroke. Last summer, however, I found a couple pairs of these on a sale rack in the fall, and I'm noticing I'm wearing them on weekends quite a bit:

They look like the khaki slacks that I wear for special occasions, but they're not quite -- chinos are a breed closer to work slacks, and they're made of a bit heavier fabric than your average trousers...which makes them feel more like jeans. Don't get the front-pleat crap: you're not pretending they're dress slacks, so don't go that route, and like I usually say, get functional-sized pockets, not those worthless small slit-in-the-side pockets that they put in most slacks. When I tried them on I found them to be more relaxed than slacks, too, which makes them more comfortable for summer wearing. I still wear one of my work-style shirts with them, cuz thankfully I don't own any of those knit polo shirts like in the above picture; they're always too tight around the neck and sleeves, I just can't wear 'em. The button-down shirt with a square bottom is great for the summer, because they can be worn untucked, and the collar plus khaki pants look fancier than they really are. And I don't feel bad about wearing them to mow the lawn.

Hidden Tits On Your 70s Tie

Man, once upon a time the world was a great place, where you could walk around with a hot chick on your chest and nobody cared about it. Well, at least with this example from Retro Thing it wasn't like the babe was visible, but you knew it was there, and that's all that mattered:

Vertical Striped Work-Shirt

I started out looking for something specific, but wound up with a generic thought on shirts. I've had some great work shirts, some really crappy work shirts, so I was looking for what's the big difference between the good work shirts I've had and the nice ones guys get at Macy's. When I see a guy walking down the street, there's a certain feel for a workman's shirt versus a dress shirt; collar and cuffs aside, here's what you've got to work with:

1. Neutral, cool monochromatic vertical stripes. Bright horizontal stripes are for rugby players and high-end auto mechanics; vertical, cool stripes are for a mechanic who works in a garage that both pumps gas and contains a 50-year-old man's nickname in the title. They should be thin and monochromatic, nothing distracting. Note that's 'monochromatic:' alternating with white or black is OK, but not quite right. All blue, all gray, all green, different shades of a single color works best.
   
2. Two button-down breast pockets. If you even get a pocket in a dress-shirt, it's non-functional unless you keep a pretty booger-rag folded up in there (also non-functional, as I learned the hard way). work shirts have big, utilitarian breast pockets.
   
3. Square bottom. If you wear it untucked and it has a big flap over the butt, it's not a workshirt. Leave it untucked if the environment calls for it.
   

Things to avoid:

1. Polyester. I know, it's lighter for summer work, and if your shop buys you the work shirts it might be their only choice -- here, we're buying for fashion, so take some time to find something comfortable. Thread counts are low in work-shirts, and the higher the poly percent, the worse it'll feel. If you look around, 50/50 blends are out there, but 65/45s aren't too bad...when you get above 70/30, in my experience they get shiny and itchy.
   
2. Country pointy-pockets / mother-of-pearl snaps. The cowboy thing isn't all its cracked up to be, and the style has become such a poser wanna-be look that it's to be avoided at all cost. Trust me, if a genuine working rancher has mother-of-pearl snaps on his shirt, it's his one go-to-town-and-meetin' shirt, and the rest of the stuff in his closet is designed to be beat all to crap.
   
3. Stuff with other people's names/businesses embroidered on it. I'm sure it's fun to be all "Edgy" and "Ironic" to wear a factory-reject work shirt you found at the consignment store identifying yourself as Bud from Clem's Amoco, but it doesn't make it so. You're as bad as the guys whose shirts say they play for the Aeropostale baseball team. Nobody's impressed.
4. Epaulets or pleated breast-pockets. Not sure why they put them on some work-shirts; they make you look like an off-duty cop. Go smooth, simple, casual.

Since I like to point out frugality: these shirts usually run for less than $20 a pop; show some blue-collar chic and save some scratch, and you can look like you do some work once in a while.

"Double-Front Dungarees" Sounds Girly

Summer's here, and if you're like me, you have two issues: the heat makes you sweat, and you hate to wear shorts. My gal, without fail, asks me if I want to change into shorts when she sees me wearing jeans in the summer. No, I do not want to change into shorts. I have a pair of jeans cut off at the knee that pass for shorts when necessary, but otherwise, no thank you.

However, there is a point when either plain blue-jeans aren't fancy enough, or working outdoors for a while means even the blue starts to suck up too much sunlight. Plain khaki slacks are OK (they're usually light enough), but I just found these jeans -- er, 'dungarees' -- that are light colored, are still sturdy enough for work, and don't look like you just clocked out of your accounting job. The Carhartt pants below don't bother to try and hide the double-knee design, which makes them look all the more resilient. And, if you do wear them to work, you're not going to rip out the knees as fast: come on, guys, torn knees stopped being cool in the late 80s, so stop walking around like you're on your way to a Skid Row concert.


I've seen lighter colors online, if you dig around -- most places just have the tan above and a darker color (blue or black). They also got extra-big pockets for guys with big mitts like me, and they have boot-sized leg openings (regular jean companies call them 'relaxed fit'). They're a little on the spendy side by my gauge, but I'm a cheap-ass when it comes to clothes, and I guess $50 is a pretty good price for a well-made pair of pants. I need to stop buying the $19.99 crap jeans at KMart anyways.

Black Leather Welding Jacket

The welding jackets I've seen and used before mostly looked like high school letter jackets -- cloth torso, leather sleeves, usually two different colors. Which was fine, they did their job, and after a few months the sleeves had pinpricks of black all over them. Now, I find they've got some kick-ass black welding jackets:


The biggest thing that pisses me off about these jackets is that the manufacturers put their logos all over them; free advertising, I guess -- but these guys have ones with less logo (just an embossed one) that could pass for less lame than the one above. I used the picture of the one above from Tillman/Onyx because it shows how the jacket fits better. As a fan of straight lines, I think welding jackets are excellent. They have a short collar, seams reinforced and hidden as much as possible, and the sleeves don't taper at the wrists. The buttons down the front are (or just look) a little off-center, to cover up the opening better, and the pockets are usually big enough to accommodate a gloved hand. They're also a bit longer than a lot of other black leather jackets, so while they look kinda like a motorcycle jacket, they're looser and cover the belt line, and have a more casual look...plus they'll fit guys like me, with a little waist, better. They're a little heavier than your average leather jacket, so it's probably getting too warm for them now that summer's here, but you might want to save your pennies and have one ready for cool fall weather.

The Laws Of Man

Some wannabe comedian wrote the 18 Tenets of Manliness for MSN's Men's Lifestyle section (an oxymoron to begin with). The list kinda sucks, in that pretensious, "hey, babe, sleep with me, I'm not a fratboy" fratboyness of a twentysomething who can't get laid. The real thing to read, though, is the response at Fark to the article. They manage to show exactly what a man is: less worried about what makes for manliness, and more interested in calling other people a douchebag. The era of the Man Law is here!

Blue Collar Chic

I've been trying to add some men's fashion commentary to this site: sure, show pictures of some fine ass, but then let guys know what to do to get their hands on some of that ass in the real world. However, men's fashion today sucks. On one hand, you've got the self-referential kitsch of Kool-Aid-Man t-shirts and paisley big-collared dress shirts; on the other end, fine suits and shoes with tassels. If you'll remember, the official name of this blog is "Sex is a Red-Blooded Thing," and men's fashion seems to be straying away from the red-blooded, blue-collar American vein. Even cowboy gear is frilly and flamboyant 90% of the time; have we so soon forgotten about how women swoon over a guy who can fix her car or build a bookshelf?

Enough with the manifesto shit -- today, we meet one of my favorite shirts: Dickie's 1574. I had three of these (from an old job), blue, with my name embroidered over the left breast pocket and a line of stains across it right above where it tucks into my pants. I did save one of them, keeping it stain-free as much as possible, and it's my favorite for getting- dressed- up- without- being- dressed- up.


The douche in the picture looks like he wouldn't know one hammer from another, but he's got the shirt thing right: plain white Hanes underneath, so you don't pit the shirt out and you don't look like you're showing off your chest hair due to that low top button. Button-down breast pockets are the sure thing to look like you drive something that beeps when it backs up.

Clean The Cookie-Duster

If I had a hairy face, I imagine I'd play with it all the time: running my fingers through it, caressing it lovingly, twirling it like some mad scientist. I'd heard of moustache brushes, but I didn't really think of them as fashion until I saw this little doodad, a 'morning cup' moustache brush. I..well, um, I don't really get the whole 'cup' thing, but as a dangle on a chain it is striking. Just don't wear it if you're moustacheless. Then, the subtext is that you're volunteering to brush other people's facial hair, which is just a bit too creepy to be fashionable.

via

Clothing Color Palettes In The Wild

If you're a bit color-impaired, don't worry, a lot of guys have that problem. Well, yeah, I know there's a lot of guys out there with design degrees, but you've got your Pantone swatches to compare to -- the rest of us need a little help. WearPalletes takes photos of nicely-dressed people, and posts a test-pattern set of color bars taken from the clothes pictured. Some of them strike me as ugly on the person, but the stripes show how the colors work. And, if you fancy yourself a designer, maybe there's something worthwhile to be found in the clothing colors of strangers on the street.

Aside: speaking of Pantone colors: Pantone has released their fall color set, in time for fashion designers to design and produce their stuff in time to be on Wal-Mart's racks by June.

Diamond Thong And Little Else

This thong has over a hundred thousand dollars worth of diamonds sewn into it -- the outside, of course, but if you're planning on dry-humping this model, it'll cut all the way through your jeans, your boxers, and leave your penis in a sore, sore state.

How Nerds Should Dress

MIT, home of all things useful, has given some smart tips to build the basic wardrobe. What good would $500 wingtips do if you can't find a good, basic shirt? And, believe me, some nerds I've know look at fashion that way. The MIT fashion project plan is dry, simple, and explainitive, exactly what a logical and factual Vulcan of an MIT student can understand. Other than those Media Lab guys -- they're essentially art majors with long hair, huge pecs, and intriguing accents...no wonder they get laid all the time.

Anyhoo, MIT is hoping that they can improve their students' images by giving them a list of how to dress. Both male and female students get advice from the list (although, as with the guys, the Media Lab gals are hard to improve...mrowwr!), but as any nerd porn afficianado can attest to, nerdy gals are far sexier than nerdy guys, on the same logarithmic Sexitude Scale, which was probably developed my some MIT student in the first place. Really, the list applies to anybody who has trouble figuring out what to wear in the morning, which accounts of about 80% of the single guys I know. With a little MIT advice, you can go from this:


to this:



And...er, wait -- which one was the 'before' picture? Crap, maybe it was the other way around. It's such a gray area...kinda like judging fine wine solely by the quality of the label. Sure, great wines can afford a real graphic designer, but some of the best wine comes in bottles made by the winery's grandson, liberally using the Papyrus font, but crappy wine in a...hmm....Talking about those Media Lab guys got me off topic, then I messed up the "Which John Hodgman is Sexier," and now I mixed up my wine metaphors. Good thing I can dress myself.

American Apparel's Body Suits

I found myself browsing some blog and was intrigued by some body-hugging clothes in a banner ad. Now, I'm not opposed to clicking an ad when it catches the eye, so I went and had a look. It's American Apparel's website for "one pieces". Now, at first glance I figured it was dance-wear or something for housewives to wear to Curves, but it seems fashion-sense has regressed to the eighties. Proper fashion now means women can wear just spandex and a skirt, thus exposing every curve while causing great delays in the ladies' room.

Not that I have a problem with women's curves -- the website has a hot selection of naturally-shaped models.

Personally, I'd much rather see a little belly through spandex than count every rib -- a little shape on a gal isn't a problem. It's also nice to be honest -- you squeeze an average gal into lingerie that looks great on a leggy 100lb, 5"3" model, and you're asking for trouble. Show that your sexy clothes look good on a less-than-supermodel body, and, well:


HOLY FREAK ON A STICK she's hot. Don't get all mean on the un-perky boobs smooshed in spandex; that's proof you've never touched real breasts in your life. Ladies, stop trying to look all pointy and plastic -- it's not what gets us guys. Round, soft, beckoning, and slutty...that's what gets us up and ready.

Now, for the quasi-porn: Go through any of the body-clinging products, and click the "More views" (or just click on the big picture). A new window will pop up with a series of photos of various models, each looking like the first photo of an amateur softcore porn set.


Oh, she's sexy, and she's wearing clothes -- but not for long! The winner: the upper-right-hand-photo in the thong-unitard set. That ass needs to feel the touch of a strong man.

Update: here's the banner ad: