Angus Young, You Ain't

Shorts to work? Not if you wear a jacket and tie with it, otherwise you guarantee you look like an jackass. I'm not talking about shorts and a polo shirt; that can look OK. But, shorts are never part of a suit ensemble. And, look, you made me use the word "ensemble". Shorts and a short-sleeved shirt with a collar: fine. Shorts with two layers on top: retarded. Shorts with a tie: retarded. Shorts with a long-sleeved shirt: retarded. Shorts with long socks: retarded. Shorts with a long-sleeved shirt, jacket, tie, and long black socks: good god, you're going to get your ass kicked when I get there.

National Orgasm Day!

It's National Orgasm Day, and even though it's only 3:45 in the afternoon I've already had 186 orgasms. I'm drinking lots of water, and I'm under the supervision of a trained physician, so I should be OK. Sure, the effort is starting to wear me down, but I'm pretty sure I can hit my goal of 300 orgasms by midnight tonight.

Hollywood Swingers

Find yourself anywhere Hollywood, Florida today? Swingfest 2008, a swinger's convention and sex-toy-show, it going full-swing! Oh, is that a swing and a miss? Sorry for the crappy puns -- back to Swingfest: It's running through the weekend, so you've got plenty of time to swing on by.

Sexist Male Drivers

Top Gear checked with Australian men and found that most have bad views of women drivers, even though men drivers have accidents more frequently. While I could make all kinds of jokes about women drivers, I'd be better off pointing out that there's definite adverse selection by querying only men who read magazines about high-performance cars.

Sexy, Superhero Barbie

What do you get when you dress Barbie up like a hot superhero? Moral outrage! Barbie's never been known as the mousey, unattractive type, and female superheros were largely added to attract girl readers -- and they're saying that these types of female imagry have been OK for boys to see for the past fifty years? Barbie can't get a break. Portray her as a vacuous fashion model: outrage. Portray her as a self-confident defender of truth and justice, stronger than a normal man: outrage. I'll bet you seventy-five cents that "PTA Post-Breast-Reduction WASP Barbie With Sensible Pant-Suit" would generate just as much outrage.

Lou Doillon, Interview Magazine

French actress, musician, and mother Lou Doillon is not shy in front of the camera, as she proved for the August 2008 issue of Interview magazine:

Calling Gals 'Guys'

The Chicago Tribune has an article on calling any group of humans "guys", even if there's ladies in the midst. I'm guilty of it, and I'm not sure it's that big of a deal, but I'm not sure women have thought the alternative through. isn't the opposite of "guys" "girls"? Informal terms for women have tended to be demeaning by modern standards: dolls, chicks, babes, girls; 'ladies' is pretty good, but I think the point is to remove gender from it altogether. Gender neutral isn't something English does well, unless we start using "y'all" *shudder*

Kid Turns In Forgery Mom

See, this is why you shouldn't instill children with a sense of right and wrong...well, if you make a living breaking the law, that is. A 10-year-old kid turned in his mom for forging money and ID cards. She posted bail shortly after being arrested; I hope the sheriff had a plan to protect the kid -- that'd be the worst grounding ever.

Nude, Drunk, And Impaled

No, it's not how my girlfriend spent last night (hey-o!) Combine a drunk male sunbather, copious alcohol, peeing whereever's convenient, and a strategically placed iron spike, and you're likely to end up with an embarrassing non-life-threatening impalement.

Getting A Gal

Want to get a gal of your very own, instead of these online nudie chicks you see around here? It's not hard, according to this guy, who just wrote a book after being a relationship blogger for some time.

Sam De Brito's 10 tips for attracting a woman

1. Stay healthy
2. Don't abuse alcohol or drugs
3. Have a job that means something to you
4. Be busy with your own activities
5. Be well groomed and clean
6. Have a sense of humour
7. Talk to women as individuals, not as a gender
8. Be a gentleman
9. Don't hang out with "loser" friends
10. Have a clean bedroom, clean sheets - and a lamp to create romantic lighting

They're all pretty good, but that #9 bothers me -- what if the guy is the loser friend? Is he shit out of luck, or does he need to find less cool friends? However, in the end, I can sum up the 10-step list in three words: give a damn.

How Much Grooming, Men?

Tad and Molly at the Times Online chit-chat about men wearing makeup -- verdict? Molly: "what women want is men who are stylish without being vain."

Panties of a Queen

No, nobody sexy -- the 50-inch-waisted bloomers of Queen Victoria found their way into an auction and sold for thousands of dollars. Infamous for her disinterest in sex, I doubt anybody ever really got a good look at these before the internet plastered them all over the world. While the Queen wasn't that hot, don't fret: check out the model wearing the knickers in the auctioneer's file photo.

Groovin' on Vinyl

Turntable sales are up a third over the past year, CDs are down a sixth over that same time: a short, generic article from the Washington Times on the vinyl resurgence.

More Than Missionary

Those who are criticising me are those for whom sex is only done in the classic missionary position. But that's not the only way to do it and those who criticise my personal affairs have no right to do so, says Max Mosley, head of Formula One Racing -- an excellent sentiment, which continues to point out that homosexuality and transvestitism was once illegal, so anyone who would judge Max for a five-prostitute bondage romp is unreasonable. Oh, except for his wife, that is. In case, like me, you're wondering how easy it is to get five BDSM prostitutes together at once, the ladies has more incentive than just a grand apiece; News Of The World (who 'broke' the story) worked out a deal with the prostitutes to give NOTW a video of the events for a ,000 priceta. Who ever heard of a tabloid overblowing a sex story, exaggerating Nazi imagery (and is somehow offended that anybody in 1930s Germany supported Hitler), and then disclose what was assumed to be a private event in great detail to the public? The courts, showing a pleasant inclusion of smarts, says Mosley had every right to privacy, and public morals don't extend to private events.

Don't worry, gents: she does prove that, underneath that dress, there's a naked lady waiting to be ogled by the likes of you:

Rocketeer, He Ain't

A New Zealander has come up with a working "jetpack" -- which is neither backpack-sized nor actually 'jet' in the true sense -- showing off its hovering and flying ability at a Wisconsin air show. In true form, most nerds complain that it's not small enough, not powerful enough, nor Buck-Rogers enough, but I'd like to see any of them turn down a ride in the thing.

World Orgasm Record!

Sex Machines Australia now claims the world record for fully-clothed non-hypnotized orgasms (although I'd like to know who does hold the world record for nude hypnotized orgasms). Their booth at the Australian Sexpo seems to be popular with the ladies, so long as they're willing to lend their clit to a sex-machine's advertising campaign.

Lilly Pink Panties In The Bath

This Sarah-Vowell-lookalike wants to show you just how clean she can get in her pink panties. OK, at least I think she looks like Sarah Vowell; maybe if Vowell were twenty years younger and a porn star. Wait -- Sarah Vowell, porn star...hmmmmmmm........I'll run with that thought, while you gaze at this young lady's bathing habits:

Men: Older And Happier

Good news for guys on the higher side of his 30s like me: as we age we tend to think we've achieved our life-goals, moreso than women. Note "think" in that sentence: I'm not sure it has anything to do with actual goals, other than deciding that we're happier with where we are at the time. That 'cup-half-full' attitude has quite a bit to do with being in a relationship, although women don't quite get to that point like men. Women however, are happier when they're independent and young. ;

Spontaneous Condom Shopping

What do you do when a pack of condoms appears on your customer loyalty card statement? No, don't assume it's a mistake -- go nuts on your beau and threaten to leave him even though he insists he's not cheating. Oh, then ask your mom if she used the card for condoms. Such a loving, trusting relationship; they'll be together forever I'm sure. As for the condoms: apparently it's possible to 'accidentally' key in an embarrassing product on several customer's purchases before anybody notices. The anarchy resulting from obsessive-compulsive statement readers makes me want to print out random-number customer loyalty cards and go condom-nuts down at Byerly's.

Good God, Put Down The Makeup

Apparently, there's a niche and need for "men's makeup". Dave Navarro and Marilyn Manson are about the only two guys who can pull it off, and that's because either one of them can kick your fuckin' ass twice before you hit the ground. The rest of you guys? Put down the mascara, have a whiskey coke, watch a movie about racecars or outer space, and then you can have your man-card back. Christ, if you're objective is to look more feminine than your girlfriend, you're missing the point.

This is one flasher who wouldn't warrant calling the cops...unless the policewoman was hot too. And brought her handcuffs. I'll take my chances with just the gal in the trenchcoat for now:

Once upon a time, I could've joked about how this gal is playing with Monopoly money, with it's artsy pictures and funny colors, but now that the dollar is tanking I have to be content with the fiduciary pleasure of this woman's 'safety-deposit box':

Soy = Fewer Swimmers

A half serving of soy a day reduces sperm counts, even causing infertility. Now, I'll admit I don't mind tofu when it's prepared right, but a nice tri-tip steak will always kick soy's ass when it comes to my protien cravings. It seems that soy is girly to begin with -- it has estrogen-increasing properties -- so this gives guys a perfect way to deal with their hot vegetarian girlfriends: "Honey, you know what soy does to my little troopers..." Let the gals get the estrogen boost, and you order a California burger; your sperm will love you for it.

Super Penis Power!!!

An artist in Madrid is making sure nobody mocks his manly 'size' by projecting an enlarged image of his penis onto buildings around the Almudena Cathedral. Some guys buy Maseratis, some guys buy a 10-gauge shotgun, others just start fucking college girls who don't know any better. This artist, my friends, is calling male enhancement "art". Enzyte Bob would be proud.

Hey, cutie, how's about -- HEY, THAT'S UNCALLED FOR. Bitch.

Send Liquor, Guns, and Money

Running a sex club in Dallas sounds like a sweet deal: $10,000 a month hosting swinger's clubs. Oh, the drugs, liquor, and loaded guns? That's not going to attract attention right? Hey, judge: you're in Texas, the newspapers have apartments advertising guns and booze as bonus amenities for paying rent on time. While I find their reason to raid a sex club dubious at best, the one thing people in fringe businesses need to realize is: mind your freaking p's and q's. Mobsters go to jail for tax evasion, not murder; these sex club operators are going to get smacked for not having a liquor license, fire code issues, security problems, and al! l the stuff any business operator has to worry about. Note to self: store my guns, drugs, and liquor down at Aéropostale. You never hear of police raiding an Aéropostale for code violations.

Such complicated underwear, so much fun to watch her wiggle out of it:

Double Bubble

Alisa and Nata are having quite the fun in the bubble bath -- enough fun that I think it'd like to just watch for a while...but I can guarantee it won't be long before I'm joining in the fun myself:

Put a Dodge In Your Garage

Back in the seventies, you could get a conversion van tricked out with all kinds of accessories -- including a hot pair of natural tits pressed against the back window. Those dealerships think of everything! See a big version and another view at this Flickr slideshow:

Helen Kendall: Vintage Babe

These scans come from a "Surprise Edition" of Black Garter magazine; not dated, but looks late 50s or early 60s. Helen Kendall, according to the writer of the article "Cameras Should Be Fun...":

...Besides her beauty, this gal has lots on the proverbial ball. I told you about her great collection of lingerie and shoes. Well, there are two things I goofed on. First, she is an embryo lensgal. She is learning how to take fotos of herself and I allowed her (with the aid of a timer, a very valuable piece of equipment to any fotog) to take her own picture which you will find on these pages. It's the one where she's reclining full length on the setee. Her costume is leather opera gloves, black dance panties, and sheer jet hose. How do you like it?

Wearing nothing but overalls is one of the hottest things a gal can do; it shows just enough, but not all...and there's two convenient snaps that opens everything wide open:

Fifty Hot Wonderwomen

Now, dressing up as a superhero really does raise the curve a bit for hotness; an average-looking babe gets +50 points for putting on a Leia Slavegirl outfit -- but here, honestly, are 50 truly hot chicks in Wonder Woman costumes:

Bits'n'Pieces - 7/19/2008

Vicious kangaroos are stalking the Australian suburbs, knocking old women down and savaging them -- who will save them? Cuddles, the Kangaroo-Attacking Guard Dog. Cuddles, however, will meet his match when he runs into the Koala Who Was Kit By A Car and Smashed Through the Grill But Is Doing Fine, a/k/a Doctor Babyraper.

Wonder why the bar's DJ is so damn loud? To get your ass drunk. No, it's not an excuse to sniff a gal's hair while you're speaking so close to her ear to be heard. Or so I've been told.

For the immature dudes viewing this site: foods whose names sound like sex acts.

Employees with huge tits? Don't complain; they'll sue your ass.

Ashley Dupre was a dental hygenist before sleeping with the New York Gov--oh, wait, that's a different one. Dental Dupre is suing the escort one for 'identity theft'.

Bad grouper can have a poison that makes you sick as hell, but makes you feel hot things as cold, and cold things as hot. Didn't KY Jelly market that recently?


Obvious: Don't call the judge an asshole. More obvious: when the judge asks, "what?" in disbelief, don't say it again.