Since we're talking about feet and I've got shoes on my mind -- If you're out shopping for some ass-kicking kick-ass boots, promise me you won't pull any of this bullshit:These are Gucci boots, priced at $990 at Nieman Marcus. Yes, they're in the men's shoes section, even though they look like cast-offs from a Joan Jett video. Nearly a freaking grand for some ugly ass boots. No, those buckles are useless -- they zip on the side away from the camera (although, according to Gucci, the buckles are "antiqued", which means "I'm pretending to look like someone who actually wears boots with buckles"). So, let's add it up -- four fucking buckles, laces up the front, and it zips. Two of the buckles apparently hold down a flap over the laces, which isn't such a bad idea, if these were practical boots in any sense.Here's what you need to do if these even remotely appeal to you: go to a store that sells boots, ask for "engineer boots", and try them on until you find ones that fit. The single buckle over the ankle doesn't make for a great fit, so try on a bunch. Some will feel like galoshes, really wide around the ankle and toes, but if you sample enough you'll find the right ones for you. Engineer boots are all relatively similar in construction, but the soles are probably one of the big things to check -- some have really smooth bottoms, some have waffle soles. The boots hold your ankle relatively stiff, so a smooth sole might be too slippery for some floors. If the fifty dollar ones fit, great, if the $200 ones fit, good for you. If anyone tries to sell you thousand dollar boots with "antiqued" buckles slapped on all over, kick them in the crotch.