Homemade Sex Doll!

Dear god, gentlemen, don't try this at home. making your own sex toy is a recipe for tragedy. The tragedy is, when somebody else finds it, then uploads photos to the internet. The design is, of course, genius: check out how the elbows and knees are articulated like a sock monkey. Plus, without bones, she can perform positions only Cosmo graphics designers can think of. I mean, who doesn't like fucking a lifeless sock monkey? I can only hope this is a transitional toy - soon, Cliff will have enough money saved up to buy those disembodied hips-and-ass sex toys, and then something with hips and tits, and so forth, like he's levelling-up in some twisted penis-focused video game. Only 10,000 more points and he can add a navel! While I can't make out the face he's chosen to tape on the head, I'm pretty certain it's 1970s-era Candice Bergen. What the guy lacks in masking-tape dollmaking skills, he makes up for in taste. Sorta. UPDATE: this is the source of the unimaginable horror of the homemade sex doll.

Eco-Friendly Fuck Machine!

See, folks, this is why smart guys like me hung out in the art wing at college: art students think about fucking all day long, and aren't afraid to act on it. Take this art installation, which proudly displays a fake penis: It's a fucking machine that's powered by a water wheel. So, not only is she bent over being fucked by a nine-foot-tall wooden machine, she's being splashed with water, her damp hair sticking to her shiny slick skin as she moans in ecstacy with each of the machine's thrusts. Sadly, the machine is still a virgin; no women have come forward to volunteer to take all ten inches of rubber waterwheel cock - something I find surprising given all the art school girls around.

Creepy Sex Toys!

The Frisky has a list of the creepiest sex toys ever known. Hello Kitty vibe? Eh, been seeing it for years. Face dildos? I can see a reason for those. Real Dolls? I don't know who that chick in the picture is, but I'd fuck her in a heartbeat; what's a realdoll? You know what's the creepiest sex toy ever? The one you find in your mom's sock drawer. Nightmares for life.

Cracker Sex Toys!

Sometimes, it takes me a while to translate British news; they write about sex more than the US, but Google Translate doesn't work for shit. Anyhow, something called a "Christmas cracker" is given to children, and when they do something to it, things come out, usually toys and fun stuff. In one case, however, a kid popped his Christmas cracker, and got a adult toy sampler! First of all: where do I get some of these?!? I could get all my Xmas shopping done in one step. Second of all: the product did have an "adults only" sticker on it - but the shop said they'll remove any crackers without stickers from the front of the shop, leaving the adult-only crackers right where parents will pick them up for their kids. Best Christmas Ever! The other reason British news about sex is better: in the U.S., someone would have called the police, somewhere somebody would be screaming, "won't someone think of the children!" and that 4-year-old child would be on Fox News being questioned about the stuff he didn't understand to begin with, but would quickly be explained to him by all the people wishing to show just how damaged the child was by seeing condoms. Sure, somebody called the paper - wouldn't want it to happen again - but they were able to just get the fuck over themselves. Americans: get the fuck over yourselves.

Dildo for Pipe Laying!

The barter economy is back! Businesses are swapping products and services rather than cash, hence CNN's titillating headline by which a sex toy store gets its pipes done for the cost of a few Hoppin' Rabbits. Some dildo arbitrage might work well for most industries, and I'll bet it'll translate to prostitution. Just imagine: rather than paying her $200, take her out to dinner and a movie and still get laid afterwards. Hell, that sounds more fun!

Lube = GOOD!

Your friendly neighborhood sex-toy reviewer has been telling you this for years, but now here comes the Science!: women from age 18 and up report improved sexual experiences - whether with a partner or alone - when they use lube. Interestingly, another reason for lube that I was unfamiliar with is that STDs are transmitted easier if friction causes damage to the vagina. Just typing the sentence "damage to the vagina" makes me cringe; do your friendly neighborhood vagina some good and use some lube, everybody - you can buy that shit at Wal-Mart now, and the little bottle of Astroglide lasts practically forever - go buy some now.

Shower Poster!

The shower stall is the last place I'd think of hanging a poster, but this poster is specifically designed for the shower. The reason is simple: when it gets wet, the big-breasted anime girl gets naked. When it's completely dry, she's SFW again, so when your mom comes over and uses your bathroom, you won't be embarrassed by having a naked poster in your bathtub...you'll just have to explain why you have a busty cartoon character poster in there, which might be harder to explain than the nudity. Lastly: am I a pervert to wonder if the bra disappears when you pee on it? I don't want to do it, but in the interest of Science!, somebody might have to try it.

Novelty Business Up!

While the porn industry is holding on by the short hairs, sex toy sales are booming! People are staying home more, having their 'fun' around the house, and, if you think about it, most sex toys are for women, so they're doing less 'have some drinks and find a guy to bring home', and more 'a pint of cheesecake ice cream, a movie, and the Hoppin' Rabbit, and I'm good'. Or - and the less misogynistic and stereotypical answer - is that the idea of self-pleasure has been gaining inroads in society, rather than being an embarrassing or sinful thing, and that increase is running counter to any recession. That's good for both the economy and people's sexual and emotional health.

Glass Dildo Not Unique!

The seventh circuit court of appeals has done a whole lot of dildo work lately. One glass dildo maker sued another glass dildo maker, saying they violated their patent, but the courts say, no, there's nothing innovative about a Pyrex pseudo-penis, so the patent is undefendable. Topco were the winners here, and can continue to make their dildos, while Sexnology is now convicted of having a crappy 90s website design.

Rub-On Viagara!

Apparently, a little blue pill isn't enough: they're turning Viagra into a topical cream that you rub on. I think this is the awesomest idea ever, if only because there's probably some added therepeutic advantage to making her do the rubbing-on. "Oh, baby, I need some rub-on erection help. Oh, no, it's not Viagra, just take some of that Astroglide and get to work on my dick. Trust me, it's a good thing to do." The intent is to avoid the side-effects of the ingestible pill, and the topical application means it'll start working faster.

Nax: Male Sex Doll!

Ever use a female sex doll? I have, actually, but it was a cheap one. Women, really, haven't had much opportunity, although Doc Johnson used to have male blow-up dolls in their catalog. RealDolls are the top-of-the-line for men, but women - at least according to Lemondrop - get Nax, the high-end male sex doll. He's got the hair of the final boss of the internet, a slight, feminine face, a misproportioned body, and a penis more realistic than a toy deserves. Congratulation, ladies: you've crossed a line into creepy that formerly only men treaded beyond. (via)

Wind-Up Vibrator!

Ever worry that all those batteries you go through in your Hoppin' Rabbit are destroying the environment? Well, they are, you plutocratic bitch. Stop and think about trees for an instant. First step: get yourself a human-powered vibrator - wind it up, get it going, and hope to god that the mainspring doesn't unwind before the big "O". OK, ok, it actually still has batteries inside, but rechargables that the crank charges as a womanpowered generator, giving them a longer lifetime than a clockwork toy would. They're destroying the environment less, but the added advantage is you're going to have one big strong arm from cranking that crank over and over, so to speak.

Vibrators: Good And Bad!

First, we have DeadDog's recommendation that a vibrator is better than a man: it lasts as long as you do, it's not an asshole, it doesn't mount jet engines on cars. Reasonable, well thought out arguments, what does the other side say? The vibrator doesn't kiss or cuddle. For cryin' out loud, can't we have something good at everything? The reason vibrators aren't everything a person needs: we'd never leave the house.

Robot Sex Tourism!

"Tourism futurologist" - a term I'm sure has been a career for centuries - Ian Yeoman has a vision. And, I doubt he was high, even though it sounds like it. "In the future," he says, "people will travel from place to place to have sex with robots!" Has he blown your freakin' mind yet? "No, dude, sure, shipping a robot sounds easier than taking a trip, but tourism is about the places you go - you'll be freakin' begging for the Grand Canyon to have a robot-fucking hotel right on the fucking edge, dude." I'm paraphrasing, but I can't imagine his brainstorming session with his "think tank" to sound any different. Maybe he's talking about robots fucking each other, which is definitely a new market for tourism that the future will certainly bring - more likely than people traveling to distant lands just to fuck robots. Shit, tourists travel to remote locations to fuck other tourists. Me, I'm going the other direction: sex-robot Netflix. You queue up the robot you want to fuck, and in a few days it arrives on your doorstep. Where's my "futurist" credentials, you assholes?

Scout Walker Sex!

Technically, they're called "AT-STs", and colloquially as the "chicken walker" before they really got a name in the Star Wars universe, but one website has decided that these large Star Wars mecha need to get laid, too. Dear god, they have wallpaper versions of their dirty, dirty Kenner sex. Apparently, it's from 2002, and I've been to the site before, so there are things on the internet I've never seen. Anyhow, now you'll never look at that scene in ROTJ where Chewie pops out of the scout walker's hatch in the same way again.

Porn: Too Much!

Japan, long admired for having a higher quality cellphone system than here in the U.S., is running into a little problem: Customers are downloading pornography in such quantities that it is bringing the cellular network to a standstill. On one hand, Ha ha, your phone network isn't as awesome as you thought! On the other hand: you can get that much porn on the phone network? Fuck, that is more awesome than I thought.

Vibrator: Does A Body Good!

Two studies show that lots of people have vibrators, half of women use them regularly, and they're good for sexual health. Yes, that includes guys, who've used them on their partners, but their use reflects a greater interest in their own sexual health as a results. The study didn't show that vibrators themselves caused health, but that people who gave a shit about their health tended to thus pay more attention to their genitals than they otherwise would. So, ladies, if you haven't got a vibrator yet, you best do so: I can guarantee it'll be better for you in the long run, and you'll definitely use it more than the treadmill that's busy holding up last winter's Christmas decorations and a box of sweaters.

Wallabies = Aliens!

If you thought aliens have been making crop circles, you'd be right - Australians have uncovered the source of circles in their fields. Stoned wallabies are hopping in circles, flattening crops and laying waste to poppies. This proves what I've been saying for years: wallabies are aliens. I mean, for fuck's sake, look at them! There's nothing earthly about them, or any of their Australian brethren. Spiders in Australia, also known as "the emerald isle", put the freakin' alien from Alien to shame with their destructive power. Be glad that the only thing trying to communicate with us via crop circles are the wallabies: when the deadly jellyfish start trying to talk to us, you know the only thing they have to say is, "resistance is futile."

Banned Sex Game Words!

Japan has been cracking down on obscene video games - or at least how they present themselves. Kotaku has a list of the banned words at one game-download website. Come on - I learned Flash just so I could finally make my incest-train groping-slave bestiality-school council-threats video game that I've always wanted. Darn you, Japan, ruining everyone's video game rape fun!

Spice Girl Masturbation!

The only Spice Girl that's still sexy, Mel B, says she will tell you what you want, what you really really want -- so she'll tell you what you want, what you really really want, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh: you want to get yourself a Pocket Rocket, ladies. Spice Girl Victoria, however, should avoid using a pocket rocket, due to her limited structural stability during vibrations. She looks like a rough car ride will cause great injury.

Layoffs = More Sex Toys!

What do you do when technology giant Nortel lays both you and your wife off? Get into the unemployment line? Work for McDonald's? Maybe, just maybe, you'll be an inventor and produce a new sex-toy design. I think Gracie actually has one of those; the toymaking duo also have something entirely new in the works: "I discovered some technology developed by NASA that has never been applied to the sex toy industry," which can mean only one thing: alien orgasms. You heard it here first!

Spencer Gifts: Porn Shop!

Politicians in Maine are in a sticky spot: is Spencer Gifts a porn store? They are concerned that the naughty objects you can buy at Spencer's qualify it to fall under the adult business restrictions of local laws. Spencer's says, what about the lube and condoms and "sore muscle" massagers at Wal-Mart and Walgreens? My argument: Yes, buying penis-themed products isn't for kids, but I can't think of an un-sexier store to buy them in than Spencer's. Really, a 14-year-old boy buying an ICP cap, some fart-smell spray, and an inflatable sheep fuck doll to make his friends laugh is hardly a sexual awakening. Spencer's is terrified that they'll have to stop selling that crap to stupid teenagers, and that will completely eliminate their customer base. Stoners don't have money, and the pseudogoths moved down to Hot Topic - nobody will be left! (via)

Milwaukee Sexpert Recommends!

I once saw Milwaukee Sexpert open for Jason Mraz at First Ave, but one of their namesakes has some recommendations of sex toys and other erotic aids, in time for National Masturbation Month. The best part: two of their recommendations are male toys.

Masturbate-a-thon Winner?!??

I had no idea you could win a masturbate-a-thon: I thought it's very existence was a WIN for any participant. Turns out, some wanker called Masanobu Sato "won" this year's Masturbate-a-thon by holding on for nearly ten fucking hours. Holy crap, I'd have passed out well past the 2-hour mark; fifteen people drowned in the ensuing orgasm. It's amazing; you think it only exists in Anime, but, well, 10 hours of masturbating is a surreal event. (Via, who also linked to a slideshow of the event.)

Coyote Paintball!

A town in Colorado has given their cops something more fun to do than issue speeding tickets: shooting coyotes with paintballs. Killing a coyote would increase the population by spurring breeding amongst the stronger, healthier remaining ones. Paintballs, however, just hurt like shit and make the coyotes more scared of roaming around where people are. Police are warning residents to keep their own paintball equipment locked up, because once the coyotes start shooting back, leaving highly-visible pink paintball marks on the police officers, problems will increase exponentially.

Steampunk UK Firemen!

Firemen in the UK have gotten awesome new enclosed helmets, which some compare to Empire Stormtroopers' helmets, but I think the metallic bronzeyness makes them look like steampunk robots. Anyhow, these are awesome, and cheap: under $300 each. Vacuform Stormtrooper armor will cost you about as much!

Nonoxynol-9: Bad?

Here's something I did not know: Spermicide and germicide Nonoxynol-9 has the risk of making AIDS worse, because it's not hard-proven to kill the virus, and it's a harsh chemical that may make it easier to infect a woman with AIDS by irritating her nether-bits. Which, strangely, gives a little more credence to the Pope's argument, but not his solution. Now you know - and knowing is half the battle. Usual caveats: condoms and spermicide are better than nothing, so don't be an ass and tell the woman you should go bareback because condoms kill people, because it shows just what stupid fuck you are. Don't do what the Pope wants you do to - that's crazy-talk!

Spy Camera!

This is a very smart option: mount a USB cam in a wall wart, and you've got a plausible hiding place for a spy camera. Nobody will question a wallwart with a cable running over to a computer - but they're being broadcast to the world over the internet. Smart!

50 Boob Things!

I've had several of these on this site in the past, but Manofest has done the footwork and pulled together 50 boob-themed products, enough to completely replace having a girlfriend. Frankly, if you have more than 8 of these in your home, having a girlfriend will become an unlikely experience anyway.

Free Tax-Day Toys!

Get yourself to a Babeland right away tomorrow: they're hoping to counteract tax-day stresses by handing out free vibrators. If you're already a Babeland customer, you probably have one of your own already, so do your own good deed for tax-day: get a free vibrator, and give it to someone who really needs it, like your accountant. They'll appreciate it.

Sex Toys for Men!

There are thirteen sex toys for men? I mean, at least 13? "My Expressions Live" has made a list, in case you need a more complex way to tug your tommy. The pumps, though, never work for shit; trust me.

Ice Knife!

Dude, remember when that movie had that bullet made of ice, and then they shot the president, but the ice bullet melted? Okay, the Mythbusters mythbusted that busted myth, but ThinkGeek seems to think the method has promise: make an ice-knife, and you can cut people with the anonymity of any average ice-cube! On one hand, you can't stab anyone with ice! On the other hand, Mythbusters proved that icicles could kill, so there may be something behind it. Of course, ThinkGeek does the "NOVELTY PURPOSES ONLY - not for actual murder", but when the prime suspect in next week's stabbings is Frosty the Snowman (until his body turns up in a BDSM dungeon, chained to a wall and stabbed by an ice knife, if CSI shows have taught me anything), then you'll be sorry you sold such implements of goosepimply death, ThinkGeek!

Magic Lottery Dildo!

Man, do Iowans know how to tell a story. In short: gag gift dildo abandoned on move-out, guy tries to return it but stops for car repair, realizing mechanic might think it funny to have huge dildo in car, guy goes to get cash to pay mechanic without revealing identity, BAM, buys the winning lottery ticket after stopping at gas station ATM. The Magic Lottery Dildo claims another victim. What he doesn't realize is that the curse of the Magic Lottery Dildo is that it can only be spent on hookers, or your penis falls off.

Green Condoms!

Want a green condom? Not those glow-in-the-dark ones your creepy uncle gave you for your 20th birthday: actual ecologically-sound condoms. A British condom manufac turer has looked at the sustainability of production, waste creation, and general environmental impact of condoms, and found that all that fucking you do is hurting the environment (not that the pill is any better) So, next time you wrap your dick for some fun, stop and think a little bit: is that condom really going to make the world a better place?

Do-It-Yourself Camera!

Do you like to take pictures, but feel like you're missing the visceral experience of the slave labor that built your cheap-ass camera? Superheadz has the camera for you! Looking suspiciously like every free camera given out with a magazine subscription or new checking account, the Plamodel comes on spurs like a Snap-Tite model, so you can put it together and start taking pictures. Only thirty bucks. Superheadz, as a whole, does have some awesome in their catalog, like this 35MM TLR (see also). (via)

Leave Dildos To The Pros!

Just because somebody else has hooked up a dildo to a sabersaw doesn't mean it's as easy as you think - this gal found out the hard way when she was injured by a homemade saw/dildo contraption during some intimate playtime. No charges will be filed because the act was consensual (well, at least up until the 'use a power tool to make be bleed' part). So, ladies, keep in mind: if your man lurches towards your cunt you with anything plugged into the mains, always check that the idiot removed the blade first.

Penis Enlarger: Works!

Holy crap, nobody expected this! An Italian group studied a penis enlarger, which used "dynamic rods", for a year, and found that floppy penises are actually longer after usage, without affecting erection ability. They even say that erect length is improved, but they don't say how much, which is what everyone really wants to know. It's probably to protect the delicate sensibilities of the Italian men studied, whose post-extension penis size is still smaller than mine. Sorry, Italy!

Video Games: More Sex!

Video games need more sex, says gamer columnist Ryan Lambie - not because they need to get as puerile and juvenile as the violence has gotten, but because there's such opportunity for artistic expression, much as how some violent videogames have received acclaim for their cinematic nature, there's as much opportunity for a "Last Tango In Paris" of videogames to fall into the sweaty palms of some intrigued twenty-something via Gamestop.

Tattoo Barbie: WHORE!

Mattel has released a new Barbie, complete with tattoos that can be put - and some articles emphasize this - anywhere on her body. The Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie has parents up in arms, because allowing kids to give Barbie a tramp-stamp is only going to turn their precious daughters into whores. Mattel tried in 1999, selling a Barbie with stickers that resembled tattoos, but those got pulled as well. Will Mattel never learn: women are only supposed to get tattoos when their bodies are ridden with sexually-transmitted diseases, their vagina visits a stranger's dick every couple hours, and they spend most waking hours drunk. It is completely irresponsible to show an attractive, self-assured woman getting a tattoo because she thinks it's beautiful. But, isn't that what most people's problem with Barbie is? Beauty is to be rejected, unless you're naturally so.

Vagina Exercises!

Holy crap - if I knew I was fucking a woman who regularly used one of these, I'd be worried her snapping my dick off. It's a 'pelvic wall exerciser', which lets a woman go all thighmaster with her vaginal muscles, to improve her sexlife, and presumably that of her beau's as well. In that case, I suppose I'd like to be with someone who uses it...but if she can crack walnuts with her pelvic wall, some caution may be advised.

Wanking: OK Sex!

As I've said before, why skip a pot-pie lunch when you know there's steak for dinner? Masturbation isn't a problem in a healthy relationship says Dr. Gail Saltz of the Today show - well, a healthy relationship can't be harmed by jacking off, but it ain't going to help an already-damaged relationship. So, if somebody thinks wanking is a problem, figure out why first, solve that, then diddle yourself until you're raw.

Real Dolls: Hot!

"...about a dozen headless bodies hang from a rack, like Rockettes at a slaughterhouse..." No, it's not a reboot of some slasher movie; it's the Real Doll factory, as documented by Meghan Laslocky. You can't write an article about Real Dolls without getting into the creepiness of their owners, which the article has in spades; it's like the male equivalent of a cat lady -- a sign of some emotional issue, something that's benign if controlled well, but, man, don't expect to have a normal human relationship with 'em. Still, I'd like to try one out, be like the guy who calls his RealDolls "it" and acknowledges that it's masturbation, because it's the most true-to-life, like a woman with a favorite vibrator. On the other hand, a guy who keeps naked human-sized dolls under his bed isn't exactly avoiding the 'creepy' label, either. Long PDF here, short article here. (via)

iBoobs Cancelled!

Apple, sadly, doesn't believe in true innovation - just look at this: Apple canceled this application from the iPhone app store, presumably because they really don't like to watch breasts jiggle. Come on now, who doesn't want to watch breast jiggle as they shake them around? Hell, I almost want to buy an iPhone just for this application!

Lego Honeys!

Don't look now, but the Legos you knew and loved decades ago have grown up with you. Now, it's quite clear there's nothing actually "lego" about these photos - they look more like an ad for encouraging high-bandwidth pornography. They appear to be a creative advertising agency's way to build buzz about themselves; Lego will eventually disperse a press releace denouncing the ads, and some ad company will say "it was an internal project; we never intended for it to 'get out'". It doesn't even look like Legos in any way: Legos have never been 1x1 ratio when seen from the side, and there's no posts on the tops of the blocks these seminude ladies are made from. If you shrink a nude jpeg down to a few pixels wide, enlarge it, and build it out of blocks in a way to create shadows, then maybe that's what we're seeing. Legos, not so much.

Zawadzka's Big Bazookas

I'm often impressed with the ActionGirls photography - I had to include this, because it's such an awesome photo, and the tits are kinda nice too:

Really Loves her MacBook Air

Geez, woman - I know that Mac is coming out with a new sexy laptop, but you shouldn't goo up your MacBook Air just yet. Mac masturbation needs to be done responsibly, young lady.