Posts Tagged 'Toys'


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Election Year Blow-Up Dolls!

There's a million ways people predict who's going to be president -- exit polls, social media buzz, hashtags, blind luck...but if you look at the sex toy industry, it looks like we've got a Hillary vs Trump election this year.

Trump, of course, is ready-made to be transformed into a plastic bag full of hot air; sales of the Trump sex doll are actually going to help support refugees, so it's not just a fun toy, but a way to help those disadvantaged by people with the same political leanings as Mr. Trump:

Sadly, the Trump blow-up doll was made by an artist called "Saint Hoax", so if it were real (there's no way to buy them at the moment, and all traces have been removed from St Hoax's Instagram), there's no way to buy them now. They seemed to be orafice-less, and at the very least had a tiny, tiny penis that didn't show up in photographs, which I'll let you take inference of.

Hillary has long been the subject of sexist, misogynist "satire" toys, like the nut-crackers that have been around for decades, so there's plenty of precedence leading up to the Hillary Clinton sex doll.


These first came out for the 2008 election and the fact that I can't find a single photo of this blow-up doll inflated and ready-to-use is probably a good sign that nobody has ever bought one, or at least the bachelor-party gift-recipient merely smiled politely while their friends guffawed and then tossed it in a closet. The company also makes a wind-up masturbating Hillary, designed by someone who has never seen a naked woman before.

Also from Pipedream is the Barack Obama sex doll, which, also, has never been photographed outside of its original packaging:

Note that their tagline is "He Fucked the Economy, Now You CAN Fuck Him Back!" which would indicate there's an ass orifice, but no word on if there's a big, black swinging cock like we all know Obama hides in his slacks.

Back to Trump: early in his campaign, he (unsurprisingly) pissed somebody off enough to make them design and build a Trump butt-plug


The reason given on the page is, "I usually make butt plugs to insult dictators, homophobes and politicians. When I heard Donald Trump's remarks about Mexicans and Latinos from South America I was especially angry."

For the most part, blow-up dolls and other sex toys that look like real people are designed specifically because people want to fuck 'em. Can't get the real Bonnie Rotten? Here's a blowup doll screenprinted with her face and tattoos, almost just as good.

These political blow-up dolls are a different animal altogether: these are effigies, like the straw-filled mannequins hung in middle-eastern squares, with Bush or Obama faces on them, and burned for the cheering masses. The Obama doll above explicitly says it: this guy fucked you over, so now you can fuck him back.

There's nothing sexy about pretending to rape somebody you hate: the Trump, Hillary, and Obama sex dolls aren't genitalia-accurate because that's not the point. The point is anger towards the person, taken out on a inflatable effigy of them. It says something about the culture that makes the effigy: Uniformly across the world effigies are burned, Mexico creates pinatas to beat the crap out of, and America designs effigies you can fuck into submission.


So, the Trump and Hillary dolls may not be an indicator of who's going to win, but instead identifies who everyone's the most afraid of. Jeb! may not have been a great candidate, but he's not so bad that people want to pound his ass or pop him with a needle.

Pretty much everyone who posted about the Trump and Clinton sex dolls recently seem to have missed the point: these aren't interesting, sexy toys to get your rocks off. These are about fear and retaliation. Don't give into that sort of behavior; there's nothing funny about devolving into swinging around your penis to show you're in charge, whether the recipient is plastic or not.

Sex Toy Review: Fifi Battle!

If you follow my tweety, you'll have seen this video a couple weeks ago:

As a fan of both handicraft projects and orgasms, I felt the only option was to create my own. Now, there's a problem: the "fifi", as a homemade male masturbator, has more than one definition. The more traditional "fifi" is a glove wrapped in a towel or some clothing, so we've got to determine which is best.

First, there's the fifi from the video, which visually looks like more fun to fuck -- it looks sorta like ass cheeks and a pussy.

So, I went down to my friendly neighborhood CVS and bought a pack of medical-grade rubber gloves. I made the first one per the instructions in the video, but the rubber looked like it was stretched pretty thin so I made a second with two layers of gloves.

Looks pretty inviting, doesn't she? The two-layer one was almost impossible to tie the knots and inflate, so my lightheadedness is purely for your benefit.

So, time to load up some porn on the computer and lube things up!

Here's where things begin to go wrong:

(Warning: penis for educational purposes ahead!)

The penis doesn't fit. Not a bit; the more I push, the more the "opening" pushes back; there's no way I'm getting inside there.

First, consider how small the middle finger of rubber gloves are: they're about a quarter the diameter of a penis and half as long. So, in order to fit a penis into one, it's gotta stretch.

The inflatable fifi does everything in its power to prevent that middle finger from stretching: first, you lose an inch at the tip when you tie the knot, and then you inflate it, so all the air pressure is working against your penis. Plus, the more you squeeze, trying to push the fifi onto your member, you're increasing the air pressure. There's no chance in hell, unless your dick is an inch long, that you can enjoyably pleasure yourself with the inflatable fifi from the video.

My conclusion is that it was something that prurient balloon-animal artists came up with as a way to make their immature brethren giggle. It's design is to look like a pussy, but it definitely won't behave like one.

But -- what about the more traditional fifi?

These are amazingly simple to make: lay a rubber glove on something you can roll up, leaving the 'wrist' sticking out a bit; after rolling it up, turn the wrist inside out over the end to hold its shape.

You don't want to roll it up tight, or you run into the same problem as the balloon pussy: you gotta leave room for your dick inside.

Granted, it's no factory-made masturbator: I can feel the 'wrinkles' of the glove, which aren't the most pleasant thing, but don't hurt. However, it did the job -- and it made cleanup easier, too, just toss that glove in the trash, and there's a towel on-hand for final detailing.

The towel fifi is apparently such a successful model for a masturbator that there's a commercial version out there, complete with custom "easy cleanup" 'gloves':

On top of that, there are inflatable male masturbators out there, but they're, you know, designed to accept a dick of reasonable size:

And don't forget the venerable blow-up doll has been a thing for years, although I've only had varying success with those, too:

Note that the "wrinkle" issue bothered me with the blow-up girl, too, so the towel fifi isn't so bad. Of course, the rubber/gel versions of male masturbators are going to be higher quality than anything you can make from whatever you can find in your bathroom cabinets, but, hey, not everyone can have their playthings ready to go all the time. If you've got a rubber glove and a couple minutes, wrap that fucker in a towel, but don't blow it up like a balloon. Trust me, I tried.

Sex Inventors!

Inventors find their inspiration everywhere: they see it driving down the street, at work, in the kitchen, and even while fucking -- Gizmodo has a number of patents with a sexual-pleasure focus, most of which aren't particular scary nor different than things that have actually been invented. The "put a flower in it" is probably the oddest. I know people who would love that water massager...but in the intervening century since that was invented somebody came up with massaging shower head. Hindsight is always 20-20 for inventors, including ones that invented a penis you strap to your face.

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Porn Games Now!

The Internet Archive has thousands of old DOS-based videogames backed up, complete with a browser emulator so you can play them online. Gizmodo dug through everything and found some of the old porn video games are there, too. Gizmodo left out the most important one: several versions of Leisure Suit Larry are there! Plus, there's a bunch I've never heard of -- I'm sure "Spear of Destiny", "Guldkorn Expressen", and "Tommy's Gorilla Balls" must be pornographic somehow, just based on the names.

Obfuscated Sex Toys!

It's almost Christmas, and you're still looking for the right gift for that special person??! Maybe he or she is just not too keen on bright-pink veiny rubber penises, and you want to get them a sex toy that doesn't look like a sex toy -- then Gizmodo has the clickbait article for you! The one guy toy on the list, the Zen masturbator, I had to look into - Apparently you turn it inside out and rub those triangles on your penis, to simulate fucking the low-polygon 1990s Lara Croft. Technology today is amazing!

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Foxy Blox!

It's practically Christmas, and you're not done shopping??! Can't help you there, but if you forget to buy something for the Lego nerd in your life, make it up to him or her by buying Foxy Blox for them! This isn't just somebody slapping together a play strip club out of Legos - it has custom-printed parts, holographic panels, but it must be one of those weird Southern stripclubs that don't serve liquor because there isn't a bar. For that reason, if I were a tiny Lego person, I probably wouldn't hang out there, even if that DJ looks like he plays good music.

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Guitar Strap BDSM!

Dave Navarro of Jane's Addiction is branching out in his creative endeavors - he has teamed up with the stockroom to produce a guitar strap that doubles as a BDSM-tie-me-up device. According to the press release, the line will include a bunch of other leathery fun-time stuff, all "designed with Dave", which is enough of an influence for me, I suppose. It's more fun to imagine Navarro hunched over a drafting table, t-square in hand, madly drawing isometric drawings of dildo straps on large sheets of vellum, cigarette burned down to nearly all ash hanging from his lips, while his Stockroom contact calls from the hall, "Dave, you done yet?" His response is, "GENIUS CANNOT BE RUSHED!"

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Softporn!

Sex always drives the leading edge of technology, so it should be no surprise that one of the cutting-edge videogames was Softporn, a text-adventure for your penis. It was designed by a computer programmer, but bought and distributed by one of the biggest adventure-style game developers at the time. That sexy, topless woman on the right? One of the greatest minds in puzzle-adventure games. Later, Sierra used more advanced computer technology, added graphics and animation, and rebranded Softporn as Leisure Suit Larry.

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Sex Blogger Homebuying!

Let's say you want to buy a house - you go in, show the bank all your income from working, prove you're a good risk...but if your job is running a sexy sexy blog, the fact that you're doing the bookkeeping is key. Although the blog post is about buying a house, it all comes down to the drudgery of being a self-employed writer and all the boring parts thereof. Sure, you make a living orgasming for profit, but you still gotta save those receipts or else you can't deduct your Astroglide when tax time comes.

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FleshCash!

Because FleshLight has a lot of money to throw around, the dating-tips tweety Simple Pickup -- which seems to only focus on skeevy pickup lines -- has been given $10,000, which they're hiding around LA hidden inside fleshlights. So, West-Coasters, if you find a FleshLight lying in the street, just shove your fingers in there and pull out what's inside! If you're lucky, it'll be money -- if not, well...you might need to get some shots, but fortune favors the bold, don't let it discourage you!

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Butt Plug Xmas Tree!

"No...heh heh .... it's a CHRISTMAS TREE! Really! Don't you see it - this is modernism reductionist symbo--blah blah fuckin big words, just trust me its full of the fucking Christmas spirit." That's how it would go if I tried to pull this bullshit off, but artist Paul McCarthy managed to get the city of Paris to allow him to put a five-story buttplug in the middle of town.

"Oh, it's just a coincidence!" you cry, thinking this couldn't have possibly happened intentionally. Well, take a gander at this: Paul McCarthy loves Christmas so much a couple years ago he made a Santa statue holding a sex toy. Combining the shocking/disgusting with soft lines and cultural touchtones seems to be his schtick.

If I sound outraged, this is why: Santa holding a sex toy: there's a degree of artistic creativity in that. An acre of poop is something you create organically, not from a life model. Just a five-story buttplug like manufacturers produce by the thousands? Making it green doesn't count as expressive interpretation. Had McCarthy put in the bare minimum of effort and put a fucking star on top I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt. What we've got here is a purely lazy artist.


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The Handie!

Is masturbating with a plain-old hand not good enough? The Handie is here to help! Although most of the photos show it as a disembodied hand, the Handie is more than that: it's a rubber glove, ribbed for your pleasure, with a built-in vibe and lube repository, so you can whack off with the highest level of technology possible. They have a leftie version on the way, too, so if you want you can just get your female partner one of each! I'm not sure what the 'loops' at the bottom do, but I'm afraid to ask.

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Sex Toy Data!

Ugh, I never thought anyone could make sex toys boring, but when you look at them purely as data---no, I'm kidding, sex toys are awesome any way they are laid out, even in an end-to-end spiral. Jon Millward has looked at LoveHoney's sales data and put together some nice chart porn describing what he has found.

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SexFit: Penis Odometer!

Sure, women get the kGoal, but what about guys?

Never fear: UK sex-toy company Bondara is developing the SexFit, a cockring that not only vibrates during sex like an average run-of-the-mill cockring, but also has sensors to analyze movement like a FitBit.

Guys, was it two or three thrusts before you came? Who remembers! Your SexFit will, updating the online app so you can share with your friends and compare data. OK, maybe it's not as productive as a FitBit, but it will analyze your thrusting technique and alter its vibrations to sync, which might actually be useful.

Plus, I'm hoping it's Bluetooth compatible, so I can set it as my 'silent ringer'. brmmmmmmmmm "Excuse me, I need to take a call."

Sadly, it's still in development and not available to the public.


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15 Orgasms A Day!

There's perils to being a professional sex toy reviewer. First: she experiences 15 orgasms a day. That's the reason there's more female sex-toy reviewers: if I had that many toys to review, I'd be chafed and asleep by 10am. Also note, she lists her two favorite toys, the I-Gino one and the Doxy Wand, so, like they say, watch what the professionals use to get quality.

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Autoblow2 Reviewed!

Not too long ago, I brought you information on the Autoblow2. Brian Sloan, maker of the Autoblow2, saw my post and offered me a review sample of the new toy. How could I turn it down?

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Hands On A Hardbody!

When I think of "The Longest Handy Ever", I have PTSD flashbacks to an unlubed sexual experience in high school, but in THIS case a sex shop in Florida held a "hands on a hardbody" contest to win a goodie-bag of product. There wasn't a real penis involved - it was that blow-up penis the winner is so lovingly cuddling with in the pic below.

When I think of "finishing earlier than expected"...well, there's high-school flashbacks, too, but it also applies to the penis-touching contest. The Longest Handy Ever started at about 1pm in the X-Mart store in Gainesville, FL, but by two o'clock one contestant proposes everyone else drop out and she would share the sex toy goodies with the remaining competitors. Ah, when it comes to sex toys, cooperation always wins out in the end!

Nylabone Dildo?

Excuse me, Nylabone, I'm not sure what you think I do with my pets, but this does not look like something I should be sharing with my dog. At 10", this is pretty close to actual sex-toy size, although it's probably hard as a rock...if you're into that sort of thing. It has been a long tradition that it's nearly impossible to tell them apart much of the time, which goes to show what dog-toy designers have on their mind most of the time. My new Kickstarter: hybrid dog/sex toys -- half the manufacturing process, since we reuse the same molds for both, just different packaging, we'll be brazillionaires!

3D Vulva Arrest!

Don't tell Japan about 3d printed cocks, because they have obscenity laws which censor realistic depictions of genitalia, and it turns out that includes 3d-printer data of a woman's naked genitals. Now, if you know anything about 3D printed files, they're a whole lot of very unsexy data. But, since it could be fed into a 3D printer so that out pops a faithful rendition of artist Megumi Igarashi's vulva, that is a violation of the law. Sure, it's possible to view and render a 3D data file on the computer monitor, so it's probably not that far from the unsexy data contained in a compressed JPEG, but it just goes to show that, as technology improves, people try to find ever more creative ways to make it sexier.

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kGoal: Kegel FitBit!

At first glance, it looks like a blue-rubbery hand grenade, but it's far more explosive than that: this piece of high-tech wizardry called the 'kGoal' is a Fitbit for your vagina. The high-tech Kickstarter project is a little biofeedback reader that gets inserted into the health-nut's vagina, and connects to a computer to track and measure how effective her Kegel exercises are. Kegels are actually really important for women's health, but without circuitry up there to measure what's happening, until now it's been hard to tell if Kegel exercises are doing anything. Now, with the kGoal, quantification of pelvic-muscle squeezes are finally being tracked and documented. Now, if they can only turn this into a video-game controller...

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Teddy Love!

Teddy Love is more than just a teddy bear: with a ten-speed motor housed in its body, he's a love machine. His nose and tongue double as a vibrator, so when you need a little release, just shove the teddy's face between your legs and let the orgasms flow over you as you stare into his empty, black eyes. Sure, it sounds creepy (plus his outstretched tongue seems rather rude), but, hey, it's always good to have options. When you're done, he'll definitely still snuggle with you.

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Prescription Vibrator!

We all know how the government pays for millions of dollars in penis pumps - but want a vibrator, ladies? Too fucking bad! Well, in Georgia, at least, you can't buy a vibrator without a doctor's prescription, because you've got a vagina and not a penis, so who cares. Given that nondescript boxes aren't checked for prescriptions by the USPS, she should have success buying one online, but it's the principle of the thing. Why is the government so worried about how women are obtaining orgasms outside of proper medical counsel? Is a long, rubbery purple thing shaped like a forest animal really the kind of thing doctors are the only authority on?

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HappyPlayTime!

Wish you had an app on your iPhone that helped you masturbate? Well, too bad, pervert - Apple has rejected a female-friendly masturbation app because girls shouldn't do that or something. Somehow, apps which promote sexual health are just as bad as Redtube, so you can't have it. You'll have to stick with looking at static photos in your browser to get your sexual-health-on now.

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