How Not To Get Laid

It looks like it's been around a while, so I don't know how I've missed it. If you ever want to know how people screw up their opportunities to get laid, How Not To Get Laid is the place to read it. (via)

Trading Sex For Stuff

Informal prostitution abounds! Humans understand the currency of sex, and often spend it on cool stuff they want, or use it to reward good deeds. We are a 'gifty' creature, and we like to say 'thank you', so it all adds up to the politeness of being human, I suppose. So here's to you, slutty ladies with good manners: you know just how men want to be thanked!

Be A Good Hook-Up

The Frisky has advice on how to be a good hook-up -- for the woman, of course, because men are always good at being a hook-up (come on, we're excellent at sex!). More than once they refer to the hook-up in a negative light ("regret the shag," "walk of shame"), because, of course, a woman who has a zipperless fuck should be ready to regret it. Ladies, if you're cruising for a hook-up, gauge your degree of regret before you do it, and that's, really, the one and only piece of advice you need. If you go into a hook-up confident, it doesn't matter if you run into the guy in the morning -- you're confident in yourself, it doesn't matter how it ends, bec! ause you know you did the right thing. If you're so uncomfortable with the guy you slept with (leave no evidence, clean up after yourself, make it appear as though you never slept there, avoid him in the morning), guess who failed at having a hook-up? So, Frisky is ready to assume a gal goes out, has sex with someone she doesn't actually like or find attractive, and her objective after sex is to avoid him at all cost. Maybe, again, I don't understand because I'm a guy, and my regrets are the gals I didn't hook up with rather than the ones I did. However, if that's how gals felt about having sex with me, I'm glad they didn't stick around.

Do I LOOK fat?

When the question is: "do I look fat?" nobody wins. This writer seems to think that being the touchy-feely nice guy will defuse her -- and, in the real world, this might be the ideal way things work. However, I can honestly say that any guy who tries any solution here will be responded to with an incredulous negation, because she knows what your game is, guys. Maybe I've just dated too many crazies who really don't want the answer, but were digging around for a reason to get all neurotic on me. I mean, for crying out loud, who actually asks a question like that and expects to be happy with the answer?

Rich Guy Appeal

Turns out, gals aren't all that wrapped up in how much money a guy has. He's gotta have emotional stability, intelligence, and good social skills. What they neglect to mention is that if you don't have those last three, getting rich ain't going to happen either, leaving your ass broke and sexless. Freakin' loser.

Little, Leggy, Busty Women

Studies have, again, shown the obvious: men like little, leggy women with huge tits. Um, duh. Proportion has a lot to do with it, which is probably why tall women aren't completely ruled out. They just need breasts large enough to smother a grown man. A lucky, lucky man.

Porn Star Wife: EXCELLENT

Style.com talks to several guys who are each married to a "porn star" (with a grain of salt, though; every actor who's ever been in porn is called a "star"), and chit-chats about what it's like to be married to the object of lust for men around the world. The answer: not much different from regular marriages, as long as you don't freak out over her career choice...plus you get to fuck a porn star. I call that a 'win' in everyone's book.

License, Registration, Phone Number

Sometimes you have to go a little further to get the attention of an attractive woman. Turning on your car's cherries and pretending to give her a ticket might do it. If she wants to know you better, your current unemployment and non-police-officer statuses should make her swoon, and last year's DUI should make her panties wet. If those don't bring the women do your doorstep, the 30 days in jail will give you time for a new plan.