Casual Sex OK!

The word is finally in: casual sex isn't harmful emotionally. Not only that, but the information comes from a survey here in Minnesota, and if you know anything about Minnesota, it's that the entire state is a 24/7 fucking orgy around here. The study found that people's emotional state was the same whether they fucked a committed partner or a casual acquaintance, and warned that disease and pregnancy are a much bigger risk, but fucking itself is a happy thing to do.

Smart = Horny!

Want to get laid? Ask her about the last book she read. Stupid women have higher risk of sexual dysfunction, while intelligent women are easier aroused. Just my own previous experience could have proven that: college educated, hot in the sack; no college, meh, kinda crazy; dropped out of high school to join the military: dear god it's a wonder it didn't turn me gay. OK, turning gay doesn't really happen, but she nearly turned me off women altogether. Mine might be a small sampling, but the experts agree - fuck college-educated women, you'll enjoy it more.

Empty Sex Promises OK!

Once upon a time, it apparently was illegal to promise future marriage just to fuck somebody - in Korea, at least - but the law was recently overturned, allowing creepy guys to promise to marry everyone they want to fuck. Hooray for the 21st century! It's about time somebody proved that, A: some guys still use that line, and B: - it totally works!

Show Some Skin!

Manolith has figured out just how sexy exposed skin is on a babe. Ladies, it turns out that 40% is about the most skin you should be showing; any more than that is threatening, but much less than that is too Puritan for a man's roving eyes. Personally, I think that the "more than 40% turnoff" rapidly goes off-scale high once the exposed skin reaches 100%, if my website traffic is any indicator.

Public Sex!

Public sex! What better way to get arrested than fucking where someone might see you - and Get Frank has some advice on how to do it right. I'm too much of a pussy to even risk it - what would my mom think if that showed up in the police blotter?!? - but I suppose if you include some quickies in the car at a rest area, it turns out I've been a naughty boy anyway. When the dick says it's time for a fuck, you better be prepared to act on it.

Sex Don'ts!

You ladies have whole magazines telling you the dos and don'ts of sex, but they always seem to be missing something. Here's some guys who want to fill in the blanks. Numero Uno: Ask Before You Surprise Me With A Finger In The Butt. Yes, ladies, after you read enough Cosmo, we're completely certain you've lost all ability to have logical thought. In fact, everything on The Frisky's list counteracts or undoes that Cosmo shit you read.

Tiny Dick Support Group!

If you're one of those guys who are less than endowed, I implore you - do not go to the tiny penis message boards. Penis length is 90% subjective, so self-identifying yourself as a negative is like going over an posting complaints at "The Message Board for Stupid, Ugly, and Rude People". Sure, there's lots of stupid, ugly, and rude people in the world, but the ones that identify with that idea are bigger losers than anybody else in the world. I may be biased, though: I'm hung like a fucking bull moose, so getting high-fives isn't difficult for me. On the other hand - RedBloodedThing.com totally welcomes men who think they've got small dicks: I can pretty much guarantee that your dick is nowhere near as small as you think it is, and the only time women care is when they want to use you as a toy. Don't be a toy, don't be a self-criticising jerk, and you'll have no problem finding a babe who'll ride that cock until you're both too chafed to care.

Hobbies Make You Sexy!

According to a British survey, your hobbies make you seem hotter to the opposite sex. Men, here's what'll make you sexier: football, surfing, photography, rock climbing, and white-water rafting. The survey was done in Great Britain, which means, sorry, Americans, "football" doesn't mean your cheesehead hat will impress her much. The list might be a bit more worldly, though: there's white-water rafting in the British Isles? That doesn't seem right. Anyhow, guys will say the women's list is 'duh' - figuring prominently as a woman's hobby is "pole dancing".

Reply All Sucks

Internet romances aren't a bad thing, and - as Gracie can attest - turn into good things in the end. However, as two Cornell employees have found out, there's a few things that can go wrong with an internet romance, making it more trouble than it's worth:

1. doing it with coworkers;
2. doing it with married coworkers;
3. doing it via your work email;
4. accidentally sending it to the 'forward to all' address to everybody who knows where you work, who you work with, who you're married to, and who now knows just how productive you really are.

Lastly, if this is how cyber sex sounds when it's done, remind me never to go look at my own email history. I would not be surprised if I'd actually used the phrase "Tickled and licked and orgasmed to death!!!" in my own dalliances.

Irish: Sexy!

That thick Irish accent is the sexiest accent around, beating out even the French. Wait, a french accent was considered sexy at some point? Anyhow, I'd like to add that I can't think of the last time I've seen an unattractive Irelander; all that red hair, pale skin, rowdy disposition, and love of the drink usually add up to a hot time after the bar anyhow; the accent is just a plus.

Curvy Is Better!

In various polls around the world, Science! has proven that heavier people are better lovers than those skinny-ass people that are in magazines. I couldn't agree more; Nothing's better than a curvy lady on the higher end of the BMI, and skinny ladies just look...fragile. And like a teenage boy. Neither of which I want to bring into my bedroom. I try to post pictures of curvier women here, and I must say, if I do post a size 0 woman, it's only because her tits are amazing.

Fuck Republicans!

Normally, I shrivel at the thought of sticking my dick into a woman who supports conservative anti-woman legislation - there's a dark, dark hole in her soul that will devour my will - Manolith makes a pretty solid case for why liberal, porn-loving, gay-marriage-supporting, welfare-state-accepting people like me should screw some Republicans. The most awesome reason: Every time a Liberal winds up having sex with a Republican, Bill O’Reilly loses an eyebrow hair. On one hand, I kinda like the guy, because I saw him yell at Ann Coulter once (anybody who has the balls to do that wins points in my book), but the thought of anybody listening to him when he is eyebrowless is unlikely, which is good for everybody. Seriously, there's a lot I like about the Republican party; fuck'em all - but the nutzo talking-heads can go fuck themselves and make the Republican party a nicer place again.

Bad Sex Excuses!

Fox's "Sex-spert" wants you to know, you shouldn't be making up lame excuses to get out of fucking. Excuses to get out of fucking, what's wrong with you? And, surprisingly, men are likelier to, er, "sexcuse" themselves from intimate contact. Hey, Fox lady, how's this for a "Sexcuse": "my abstinence-only sex ed class has completely terrified of a meaningful sexual experience, but when we're married it'll be fine," or "I try to be a good moral conservative, but constantly supressing my un-Christian-like foot fetish has sexually frustrated me to the point of dysfunction," or "I keep tapping the foot of the guy in the stall next to me, but I keep getting arrested, it's hardly worth it anymore" or...shit, these excuses for not having sex are all over the place if you toss out the "one-woman, one-man, missionary-heavy, after-marriage" assumption - and you better, pervs: the conservative family values of Fox News has no place for your sexual enjoyment. HolyTaco has an answer, too: Sexcuse Bingo!

Uncontrollable Boner!

Well, sorta-controllable. The ability for men to control their physical and emotional arousal is a skill of varying strength, kinda like raising one eyebrow or peeing without getting it on the floor. Men who can control laughing at Mitch Hedberg are more able to avoid sporting an uncontrollable woody, while men who can't help laugh at stoners get erections unabated by will. The Incredible Hulk, apparently, should have been drawn with a ten-foot-long penis at all times, but this does explain why Dr. Manhattan was consistently flaccid.

Swede Babes Online!

More than ever, Swedish women are looking online for sex. Since 2003, or over six years, the number of Swedish babes who are online "to visit sex sites has increased nearly six-fold." By my math, that works out to nearly 45 billion Swedish women online today. Finally - now that unbelievably hot Scandinavian blonde with a poor grasp of the English language might actually be a real swede, and not some African scammer trying to get your credit card, or a bot steering you towards paysites. The internet gets better and better every day!

Sex In The Future?

Will there still be sex in the future? Somebody thought to ask some futurists about it, who responded, "Yes! But it will be far more complicated and expensive than now!" which recalls the "future sex" in Barbarella which involves lots of nudity but nothing but fingertips touching. Most acknowledged that transhumanism is to overcome the limitations of the flesh, but sex is at its peak of success and best done as meaty as possible, thus unlikely to be replaced by brain uploads, but they all talked about how we'll add things to it and it might not even be called sex anymore because our primitive minds can barely perceive how different it will be. When they get into the transhumanism aspect, most of the people go off the rails into metaphysical bizarrity, like the SecondLife character (!?!) they interviewed - again (?!?) - who talked aimlessly about uploading two brains into one and having it work in tandem. Yo dawg I herd you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while you drive. The best answer comes from a biologist: "Besides, if you’re obsessed with control over all your functions, how are you going to let go enough to have an orgasm?"

Orgasm: Meh!

Here you go, guys - the act of intercourse is as useful without an orgasm, so you're not done once you've dropped your load - we all know you can get hard again in a few minutes, so put that dick back to good use! That's not the only time, though - touching each other sexually, without grasping for the brass ring, is a subtler, long-term sort of sexual pleasure. So don't get so worked up over darting straight for the goal-line like some racetrack greyhound; a marathon without crossing the finish line is a worthy experience as well.

I Fucked!

The site isn't responding quickly, so I'll describe it: I Just Made Love is a Google-Mapping sort of app, in which you place the locations and positions in which you fucked on a map for everyone to see. I think they underestimated the amount of fucking that's going on, or the amount people are going to fuck around with a naughty web application, but either way it's mildly amusing for the moment. Also: note that the "just made love" is forced by only allowing adding information once every twenty minutes or so, because they know you're not an animal, you stud.

Prayer = Slut!

Women who say prayer is a fulfilling experience have more sex than their peers, but don't go sign yourself up for Bible class just yet, guys: they didn't say religious women were sluttier; they're talking about those spiritual hippies that you already knew were tigers in the sack. It's just confirmation of what your dick already knew, so go find yourself a hot spiritual women and commence with the "Oh God!" prayers.

Sex Done Right = Good!

According to a new Australian study, women who enjoy sex lead healthier, happier lives than...well, people who are dissatisfied with sex, are unhappy, or less healthy. The article points out that outside forces are very wide-ranging and could affect the study: whether her well-being was low to begin with, whether their partner wanted to have sex with them, etc., etc., but - put this feather in your hat and smoke it, you abstinence-happy losers - women who get pounded by cock regularly have better lives than those who don't. While there's lots of other reasons for her life to be less healthy or happy, the sex, when done right, definitely makes things better.

Cohabitation: For Sex!

The only reason to move in together before marriage is to have sex, says The American Council For Duh. Wait, what about coed, non-relationship living arrangements? Oh, those aren't boyfriend-girlfriend, they don't count. What about people who move in together and begin having sex right after being married? Oh, that's different, because they're married. Why that's different, I couldn't tell you from the article; you just know. The article declares how, statistically, people dating don't last if they're sleeping together - but they're dating, and I don't understand who expects those to last anyhow. "While it's possible that a couple having sex before marriage will one day make a lifelong commitment, it is statistically more likely they won't," says experts promoting a not-so-new book, which could easily be edited to say, "A couple watching baseball together could possibly marry, but it's statistically more likely they won't." "People who take long strolls on the beach while dating could get married, but most don't." Duh, they're dating, you asshole. Society's pressure on young adults to get married before having sex doesn't sound all that great, either, Doctor Obviouses. While abstaining couples might possibly end up in an abusive relationship because of the pressure to marry, many don't - but that's just the statistics talking, not some fear-mongering because won't somebody please think of the children, you know. Oh, and, yes, the article is for young, pure girls: the only mention of men is to paint them in the villain's costume of how sexual liberation is giving men the freedom to fuck without consequence. They warn these young, untouched flowers of innocence: Cohabiting is growing in America, and young women should not kid themselves. It's all about the sex. Here's news for you: those women absolutely, positively are not kidding themselves in the least: they choose to move in with the guy so he can stick his dick in her, much to her orgasmic rapture. Oh, and maybe have somebody to help with the laundry and rent and take them out to dinner once in a while. Women are completely happy to have minimal-strings-attached sex, but people mistakenly take the lamentations of a dissolved relationship as proof the situation should never exist; blame the fact that you let him fuck you, and then you don't have to accept the complexities of her being a bitch or him being an asshole or neither of you having taken stock of the other person's personality enough to properly judge your compatibility. Sex is simpler to blame. History is full of abstinent suicides over one relationship or another - society's pressure to do it right, or not at all, has been fucking up kids for centuries, not casual sex.

Too Shy To Avoid Herpes!

Speak up, disease-ridden losers! Shy people have unprotected sex because they're too shy to demand a condom when in the heat of the moment. A survey showed 90% of people know a condom does a pretty good job of protecting against disease, but they can't muster the effort to wrap the cock when the time comes. Don't worry, wimps, there's something you can do about it: "A few minutes spent practising a role play conversation with a mirror" could solve the problem, says experts. So, now you know what to do every morning when brushing your teeth: spend a few minutes convincing yourself that you'll only fuck you if you've got a condom on.

Women Pickup Artists!

Can women be a pick-up artist? asks Nerve magazine, who ignores the fact that guys who call themselves a "pick-up artist" are more than likely already meeting the female version of the pick-up artist when they do their 'close', or whatever the hell they call it when a woman responds to their asshollery. Asylum responds, pointing out why Nerve's loser failed, which is a reflection on the pick-up artist lifestyle to begin with: According to some pick-up artists, a good way to engage a woman in conversation is to sound like you're insane. True dat.

Sex Degrees!

The old story about how you're fucking everyone your current sex partner has fucked has been going around for quite a while, eventually making casual sex a nonexistent myth, but leave it to the Brits to actually figure out how many that is. Fuck, all it proves is that I'm lame. When you're done it tells you on average how many sex partners people your age have had, and my number is less than freakin' half. I suppose it's worked into their math somehow, but my primary sex partner for like a decade is an ex-prostitute, so I think my number should be a lot higher; they ask the ages of your partners, but they don't check if she's a whore, and I'll bet that skews things quite a bit. Never forget to count on whores.

Widowers: Sluts!

Elderly men who have lost their wives are more likely to have an STD than their still-married counterparts. This, my friends, is because those widowers start fucking new people. This gives me some hope - no, not that I'll outlive my spouse, but that slutty chicks will still fuck old guys when I'm that age. When grandpa's getting so much ass that he's on antibiotics for gonorrhea, you should be worshipping the fucking ground he walks on.

Men Think During Sex!

Marie Claire has figured it out: they know what men think about during sex. Everything from her orgasm, to his orgasm, to the room around you, to wombats, everything is open to analysis while his dick is pounding her cunt. Shit - everything he thinks about during sex is what he thinks about the rest of the day, too! I spend all day telling myself, "Don't Ejaculate, but STAY HARD!" anyway.

Alcohol = Risky Sex!

Speaking of hot chicks and champagne, a lot of people put a lot of work into figuring out that people have riskier sex when alcohol is involved. Of course, the biggest risks are pregnancy and disease, but the big point the article uses as a measure of risky sex is whether or not alcohol made you fuck somebody unattractive. My take: it's far easier to blame alcohol than accept that you're running out of options at the end of the night. Also, note the percentages: pregnancy was 13%, disease was only 7%...and I kinda like those odds. I just need to plan on fucking some less-than-attractive ladies more than before. Bring on the whiskey cokes!

Relationships And Porn!

Dan Savage, who's usually just rude to people who deserve it, has an awesome letter this week about a woman who's boyfriend looks at porn, and she's torn emotionally about it. His porn solution for average people is at once obvious, but also escapes most people: he pretends not to look at porn, out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to believe him, out of consideration for his. This works because if the porn affects the relationship at all, the porn-looker is really the one at fault. I enjoy watching motorcycle races on TV, but that doesn't stop me from giving Gracie a ride on my bike from time to time: the awesome world we live in means that everyone - everyone - can take in pornography and have sex with a person they love, and that's the reason we live in the greatest age of humanity that God has ever seen. Anyhow, Savage also points out that the lady doth protest too much, and that she should go along with being turned on; stop complaining when you've uncovered something that improves sex. No wonder Savage gets a stick up his ass when people ask him stupid questions.

Nagging Kills Boners!

If there's one thing China knows, it's what women are doing wrong: nagging your husband will discourage sexual intercourse. The study by "Chinese University" says 81 percent of women who were regularly negative towards their husband had not had sex in the past year, and overall a third hadn't slept with their husband. In the past year. That's a long time; guys reported only five percent sexless for a year, so apparently 25% of women had sex with their husbands but didn't know it. Certainly, all sorts of other possibilities are listed in the article - and women have their own batch of excuses - but those reasons men gave for avoiding sex are all lies - China is certain their country's male sexual dysfunction is not from overwork, poverty, joblessness, disease, or stress, but simply because their wives are too critical. It was so obvious!

Allergies Ruin Sex!

"If you can't breathe, and your nose is running, and your eyes are itchy, and you're sneezing, and you feel awful and you feel tired, you don't feel very sexy," says doctors, but I'm absolutely, positively sure there's a fetishist out there who finds you sexy, Ms. Allergy Sufferer. The rest of us, however, find that allergies get in the way of sex. Nothing like a runny nose dripping on you during sex to end the mood, eh, ladies? Don't hope antihistamines help, either: they either make you sleepy or wired, neither of which are conducive to sex. Best just wait until the snowfall - you can wait that long for sex, right?

Men: Myths!

Ah, Fox's Sexspert, The way you nibble on your glasses, I - wait, what? Oh, right: eight myths about men! Turns out, we're not all lecherous, sex-obsessed, porn-living erotic monsters you thought we were. The problem is: there's a handful of those guys, and they're always the first men you ladies will meet, tainting your view of us. Heh, "taint". Anyhow, I take offense to FoxSexpert's assertion that we're not the lotharios you think we are: fuck, bitch, we've been trying to build that image for thousands of years, and now you smash it like a beer bottle on my head, which men totally do to each other all the time, because we're so tough. Now how else are we going to tell which ones of us are better at sex than the others? Being gross about sex is totally an even playing field for us to work with.

Size Does Matter!

A new study has - wait, what? - proven that bigger penises are more effective. Well, sorta: only regarding vaginal orgasms (wait, Freud was right?) and it's only a third of women responded as such (which could be just the myth leading the results). Probably the most important part of the article: sex ed is crucial for women to enjoy sex. Hooray, sex ed!

Retire Sex Acts!

Playboy would like you to know that you need to stop doing all that crap they show in R-rated movies to indicate sex. 10 Sex Acts To Retire pretty much throws out all the kink that vanilla sex can get away with, from spanking to handjobs. Handjobs? People still give those? I want one. Anyhow, they're really toeing the line to suggest that threesomes be retired: there's so many people that want it, but haven't gotten to have one, that there's no chance of it retiring soon, not until everybody who's dreamed of a threesome gets one. Can they just grandfather all those people in? That would be awesome, Playboy, you rock. (via)

OKCupid Sexy Words!

Wish you knew exactly what to say to find a sex partner on OKCupid? I never have tried, but judging from the site's purpose, "yes, please" should be enough, but the number-crunchers say they've figured out even more successful language. "Piercings awesome zombie tattoos haha sorry" is the kind of sentence that soaks her panties clear through, while leetspeak turns them off. Oh, sluts: why do you make language so complicated?

Why Women Have Sex!

Hey, guys, wanna know why women have sex? Just because. From boredom to laziness to sympathy to...well, I suppose "enjoyment" is somewhere in there, but it's far from the only reason. Don't take it too hard, guys: you're still better off pretending that the reason she's fucking you is because you're God's gift to women, just make sure to take out the trash later.

Best Fucking College!

Planning on getting a degree, but want to find a place where you won't have to give up your taste for casual sex? Look no further than this list, which identifies the best and worst schools to get laid at. Conditions have to do with male-female ratios and moral leanings, U.S.. All that hot weather must do something to people's brains.

Women: Sluts!

Two-fifths of women admit to cheating, according to a new study, compared to only a third of men. The study was conducted in the interest of science: promoting the opera, and as such can be deemed totally factual. They also seem to consider "cheating" a wide swath of inappropriate behavior, including kissing some guy at the club and unconscious flirting. The interesting part: ten percent of women aren't interested in monogamy, which means, guys, your chances for an open relationship are higher than you thought, meaning the likelihood of having neither your wife nor a stranger available for sex is much better than you thought!

Don't Have Orgasms!

Here's the key to a long-term relationship: stop the guy from having orgasms. The more orgasms he has with you, the more bored he gets, at least according to the HuffPo. So, blueballs are the path to happiness? Fuck that, I disagree: the same orgasm is the problem. People who have their orgasms differently all the time have less of a problem with bordeom, and I know that from first-hand experience.

Have An Orgasm!

Guys don't necessarily have this problem, but they could definitely learn something: how a woman can have an orgasm. Just in case you hadn't read it in Cosmo this month. Or at The Frisky last week. Or in Glamour Magazine in 1989. Or in that feministy book your Mom lent you back in the 9th grade but wouldn't admit it when Dad asked where it came from. Orgasms are important, god damn it, it can be told and retold forever without being a bad thing.

How To Get Laid!

Dear God, he's on to something: how men who just want to sleep around get to sleep around. Answer: honesty. Guys who act like they want a girlfriend end up with a girlfriend and crossed communication lines. Guys who are clear that they want a fuck and nothing more quickly and efficiently find women with the same hobbies. Blows your fucking mind, don't it?

Explained: Stupid GF Comments!

You know when you're having sex, and your partner says something so fucking stupid and cliched that you roll your eyes, which makes her mad instead of whatever she was thinking when she said the stupid thing? Coed has a translation schedule, so you can avoid the eyeroll and annoyed naked woman experience. The only problem is: understanding what she's saying will only encourage them to continue stupid crap, like '-shizzle' speak, Cockey rhyming slang, or "Mountain Dew" spelled "MtnDew". Keep eye-rolling, guys, but when she starts to show annoyance, say, "no, I know what you meant, I just think it's a stupid thing to say." Honesty works, guys!

Snuggie Sutra!

Finally, wearing a robe backwards is good for something other than a court appearance! The Snuggie Sutra (alternate title by me: The Joy of Slanket) uses simple stick figures to show just how fucking in a Snuggie can be far, far more complicated than it needs to be. It's clearly tongue-in-cheek, so don't get any ideas: all we fucking need is for somebody to injure themselves, and they'll start issuing warnings that Snuggies are to be worn by only one person at a time, which has to be the stupidest sentence ever in the english language. (Via)

Who To Fuck At Reunion!

I might have to change that title: I mean school reunion, not family reunion, you sick fuck. After yesterday's Whip it Out Comedy list, I found another one for them, so if I keep digging, I might find that family reunion one eventually. This list: who to fuck at your high school reunion! It's so easy! I'm totally sure your ex girlfriend will have totally forgotten how mean you were, and be ready to fuck you again after all these years, because you're hotter than ever before. The most likely ones: your own spouse (unless she catches you flirting with your exes), and That Girl Who Found You On Facebook. Quick quiz: which one will require you to have a couple hundred bucks in cash on you? I like the "Reunion Organizer" one, if only because she was probably the unattainable, attractive, rich girl who was so totally out of your league, and now you might actually have a chance, Mr. No-More-Braces and Haven't-Touched-A-Clarinet-In-Years. Don't forget: you haven't seen these people in ten years, won't ever have to see them again, so burn some bridges: nothing's better than bridge-burning sex.

Best Places to Get Laid!

Fire up your time machine, Mr. Peabody: time to go get laid! Whip it out Comedy has done extensive research, and determined the 10 best places to get laid of all time, including Ancient Rome, Plato's Retreat, Woodstock, and your mom's bedroom. They didn't do that last one, but judging from the quality of their humor, it would have been if they couldn't come up with more than 9 smart answers.

Oral Sex How-To!

Men's Health has expanded a bit, providing some sexual relief to the women intimate with their Healthy Men's. Oral Sex is Licked!, they declare, offering a handful of alternate positions, some of which I hadn't really thought of before. My first thought: damn, the upper body strength needed for some of those is pretty high; I should subscribe to Men's Health and learn how to bulk up a little. Nobody was ever hurt by some mad cunnilingus skillz, though. Except for that guy with the broken neck due to the hovering butterfly.

24 Sex Kinds!

Ever felt the need to qualify your sexual encounters with a brief title and generic synopsis? The Frisky has the list of 24 kinds of sex for you! Make-up sex, break-up sex, a nooner, a "you bought me dinner, so I put out" - wait, what? The Frisky is advocating fucking a guy because he spent a lot on dinner? And sex while crying? And drunken sex where "...you're way sedated and can't get off, so you just pass out." I'm all for owning the bad sex, the pity and reckless sex, but now that expensive-date-sex and she's-passed-out sex are on the list, being an asshole just got you more laid then ever before, gentlemen!

Stop Faking Orgasms!

You're not helping, ladies: faking orgasms doesn't actually do any good. Pretending is only going to make it a habit, and then actually having orgasms will be difficult. Guys will like the last piece of advice for women to be honest about their sexual interest: if fucking doesn't sound like fun, offer to get him off. A handjob every time she doesn't feel frisky sounds like a win-win to me! Just be prepared, guys, that when she's ready to actually have an orgasm, you had better to a really fucking good job of it.

Laundry = Blowjob!

Fox's Sexpert, always providing good advice in the style of any blogger who can't think of anything to write, advises men to get off their lazy asses and do some laundry if they expect to get laid. Her main reason is probably the most honest and truthful, but sounds mean if actually said to a guy: "if you'd help out around here, I'd be less pissed at you and less tired, and I might actually feel like letting you tit-fuck me for a while." The suggestions get better, though, tying in actual sexual foreplay with the chores - something that might sound good for porn, but when put into practice really don't work all that well, like the washing machine: "Lovers can let the washer be their guide, making their actions in sync with the washer's rhythm, getting faster and faster with its motions. Things only get wilder as the spin cycle kicks into high gear." Erotica writers might think it sounds hot, but struggling to line up for a half hour, much of that time spent with the washer sitting still, filling with water, doesn't actually work. And, really, when sex is a possibility, are any chores going to actually get finished? Do the chores today, go to bed early, then tomorrow fuck your brains out.

Sex Addict Advice!

Nerve has a Q&A with Sex Addicts. Not, "how do I come to terms with my addiction?" or "what is the best way to control an oft-misunderstood psychiatric disability that affects my family and friends?" No, Nerve's Q&A with sex addicts addresses the questions everybody wants to know: how does an average joe like me learn to have a sex-addict's lifestyle? Some of the discussion is kinda creepy ("Dear heroin addict: how do you use your taste for heroin to hang out in cool clubs? Answer: *begins gagging on own tongue and twitching violently*"), but much of it is the average "how do I find a one-night stand?" answers. Only, with the added benefit of knowing that the people you meet up with could easily those sex addicts giving you the advice. Everybody...wins?

Big Girls To Fuck!

Complex magazine has released their list of "big" women they'd like to fuck. Er, rather, they say "get crushed by", so I was expecting some obese women, but I didn't expect a mildly misogynistic reference from a lad's mag! Complex magazine is published on The Island of Tiny Women, so I can see how they were confused: everybody on their list is around average size, or maybe just a little bigger than normal. They might want to stop watching their online porn: here's a clue, guys - porn stars wear high heels because they're tiny - and that makes men's dicks look bigger. Real women are over 5 feet tall, are around a size 16, and are more than happy to fuck you for fun, but they're not so ugly that they need your charity. "Ah, she weighs more than 120, she'll appreciate that I want to fuck her, because it's quite clear nobody else would."