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Plato's Retreat

A new movie is out for those of you who think orgy facility documentaries are fascinating: American Swing documents Plato's Retreat, a swinger's club in New York during the late '70s disco days, largely relying on an interview with the proprietor before his death in 1999. I know of Plato's Retreat from some history-channel / VH1 / discovery-channel quasi-documentary, which spent most of its time recapping after frequent commercial breaks, but it was intriguing enough that a documentary just on Plato's could definitely be a viewport into that 'free love' era of recent time; double-bill it with Inside Deep Throat, and you've got a night of seventies sexual nostalgia.

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Marriage, Kids, and Filthy Sex!

Either it's the title of the worst porno ever, or somebody has forgotten the main reason people get married. Surprise: the people who were supposed to wait until marriage to have sex, are having sex while married. The trick hasn't worked: celibate priests have long known that marriage stops the sex drive, so by forcing people to not have sex until marriage, then living a sexless married life, would make the rest of the world as miserable as a celibate priest. Except for those sex-crazed atheists; they fuck like bunnies, don't you know. But, it turns out, married people will have sex anyway, even if their own children are in the house. Those pervs.

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BDSM: Good for Couples!

It sure is a good thing the U.K., and many U.S. localities, outlaw BDSM - it's good for couples and brings them closer together, by sharing their intimate fetish in a safe and loving environment. Don't they realize that controlling society through guilt and artificial morality is the only way people will be happy? What's the world coming to - next thing we'll find out is that people have sex just because it's fun.

No! My Coffee Cup Is Dirty!

"Wait, Cheryl - not that one! That's the good cup scrubber - two drawers down, to the left of the microwa-LEFT of the microwave. Yes, the blue one. That's the one that's OK to stick in your twat. I'm tired of people using all the good utensils for masturbation."

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Hey - there's video too!

Playboy: Sexual Harrassment!

Writer Corri Fetman, seen here showing off her legal briefs, is suing Playboy's digital arm for sexual harrassment, citing that Playboy.com executive Thomas Hagopian spent much of his productive time groping her, sending her explicit emails, and then punishing her for not responding, rather than "driving their strategic vision to optimize its potential," as his hiring press release describes his job. Hagopian had spent much of his career in cable TV, no doubt (thanks to cheap late-night advertising rates) he had been regularly exposed to Joe Francis' inspiring girls-going-wild business model, the likes of which Playboy has been lacking: abusing the women that help you make money. As with Joe Francis, Hagopian is still "the accused" rather than "proven asshole", but with Playboy's dwindling profit and resources, it might be something they'll want settled out of court - maybe they'll just give her Hef's house.

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Porn Billed To Government!

The husband of a UK politician bought some pay-per-view, which was then expensed as part of the TV bill on his wife's expense report. The outrage? There were two porn movies on the bill - gadzooks! Handbag.com wants to know, would you forgive your man for watching porn? Because, you know, the impropriety of charging personal expenses to your employer, especially in government where employee expenses are heavily scruitinized, absolutely pales in comparison to the idea that a husband would have the audacity to buy pay-per-view porn. She is obviously more pissed about porn that the possibility of losing her job because her dumb husband used the wrong account. A woman needs to have priorities, you know.

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10 Biggest Penises!

Anorak has compiled a list of the 10 biggest dicks in the world and managed to leave off Christian Bale, Dick Cheney, and, oh, wait. They're talking about the ten biggest penises in the world, and if that's the case, it is yet another list that I was excluded from. Those assholes.

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Say It SEXIER!

Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks the Quiznos ad that alludes to an experience in which a chef got burned, but they 'both enjoyed it' is too, too sexy for television. It's no 'filet-o-fish' Billy Bass, because a deep-voiced sandwich oven is a far more imposing and dominant inanimate object than any known singing novelty. That Quizno's cook is that oven's bitch, yo.

Dillan's Soapy Shower

Be careful, Dillan! Don't scrub too hard, you might take those tattoos right off. You need the help of a gentle hand, and I'm offering to help:

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Cougar-Lovers: Myth!

Using a scientific sampling of three (one of which was asked a single yes/no question), boston.com has determined that the guys who are interested in cougars are a myth. Somebody should tell the two - two! - cougar-themed reality shows, because no self-respecting guy would be exploited on TV to compete for a relationship with an unattractive woman.

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Black Flag / X Roundtable!

I'm kinda surprised punk people - especially Rollins, who still kicks ass without bothering to take names today - are willing to sit down and do interviews that make them seem, well, old, but GQ rounded up some of those west-coast punk old-times, including Rollins, to chit-chat about their carefree youths.

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Scotland: No Jail Porn!

It's too bad Scotland doesn't have laws against cruel and unusual punishment (I think we've all seen Midnight Express enough times), because now they are planning on outlawing nude posters on jail cell walls. The proposed law doesn't just stop as nudity; it outlaws anything that could be offensive to another person...which is pretty much anything, unless their intention is to only allow "Hang In There!" kitty or Jonas Brothers posters. Although, this might just be my overly-offendable American mind at work - the article says that Page 3 girls are perfectly fine, which are considered totally offensive by the modern and progressive U.S.. If the USA Today started including mostly-nude women in their pages, maybe then the U.S. will finally grow into a first-world country like Scotland.

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State of WI Buys Porn Shop!

Oshkosh, Wisconsin's Supreme Video employees just became State employees: the DOT has purchased Supreme Video for $1.4 million dollars...so they can tear it down. The state had been working with the business to try and relocate it, but the laws regarding how close an adult store can be to other buildings, depending on the services the shop offers, meant the store couldn't find any other place along the business loop road it has been accustomed to. Oh, well - it was an adult store, so I bet it wasn't worth anything...I mean, when the property is only worth $300,000, who cares if a business worth $1.1 million dollars disappears from a community during this economy? Way to go, Oshkosh!

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30-Year-Old Porn Scandal!

Now this is a retro porn scandal. No, not something that happened thirty years ago. Not a sex scandal involving a thirty-year-old. Pauline Hanson, a populist and anti-immigration politician (and Dancing with the Stars competitor) in Australia, turned up in a interracial porn photo - well, turned up in an interracial porn photo taken of some other woman with Long Dong Silver in the seventies, but it sure looks like Hanson, so everybody's all up in arms that this politician would have the gall to look like a seventies porn star who enjoyed a big black dick once in a while. Don't worry - the Australian Sex Party is on top of it!

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Women: Have Sex Anyway!

Women should have sex even if they don't feel like it, much as in the old days when a husband's beckoning was all that was needed for a roll in the hay. The argument is simple: back before Women's Lib and a woman's ability to admit she enjoyed sex, women still enjoyed sex during the olden days, even if she didn't initiate it when she was horny. A woman will get into it after the guy starts, the new book says, so she should just give in and let him go for it even if sex isn't the first thing on her mind. Oh, and all the bad sex that results from it? Learning curve, ladies!

The Worst Watchmen!

The movie Watchmen cut out some of the lamer parts of the graphic novel, like this so-called 'hero'. She pretty much sat around indoors wearing a Snuggie and complaining it was too cold out to fight crime. Then Dr. Manhattan used his huge blue dick to disintegrate her.

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Adult Entertainment: Jobs!

People looking for quick money and a flexible schedule are discovering - hey! - getting naked is worth a lot of money! Oh, of course, when times are good, only whores do it, but in a recession, it's a way to save your family and pay for college! Finally, here's an article that gives a little context to this 'easy' career: "Once you decide to be an adult actress, it impacts your relationship with everyone," said Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of adult film giant Vivid Entertainment Group. "Once you make an adult film, it never goes away." Many of the people quoted in the articles, I think, would probably have been in adult entertainment anyway, but it's much easier for a news outlet to pleasantly frame a 'woman paying for her teaching degree by stripping at night' as a plucky entrepreneur figuring out how to get by, than a family of four with two incomes already and huge heating bills that needs help getting by after being pushed out of Social Services to keep budgets balanced. Expect, in about 15 years, a rush of conservative political candidates discredited because of a history of stripping and porn, with them dispensing excuse platitudes like, "oh, the economy was so bad, and I had to feed my family somehow!". Sadly, conservative morals are so flexible, they'd rather grant the excuse than to acknowledge that adult entertainment is worthwhile. Don't forget: a couple years back, teachers were fired for having summer job wearing a bikini and looking sexy and wearing a bikini on Howard Stern. You think any 'think-of-the-children' schoolboard is going to excuse this 'ho-ho, bad economy means get creative!' behavior in five years when the article at the top turns up in her 3rd-graders' search engines? People need to start accepting that adult entertainment isn't evil: it's a valid career for people with the skills and talent, and - horror - people change careers sometimes. Oh, don't count AIG on an employee's resume as a black mark, but stripper? Good god, call out the hounds.

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I Like Chocolate Like My Sex...

The AV Club has s feature in which they eat crappy stuff and write about how crappy it is. Then, their readers chime in on whatever was eaten. In this case, that second part is what you need to read: the discussion devolved into a "I like my chocolate like I like my sex:" finish-this-sentence competition. Scroll down to the end and read gems like this: I like my chocolate like I like my sex: bitter and lethal to dogs.

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Hooker Abolition: Fail!

Will abolishing prostitution stop human trafficking? Of course not, says "Foreign Policy in Focus", who recognizes that, although obvious, traffickers are doing something illegal - trafficking - and the trafficking is what needs to be stopped through efforts to, you know, stop trafficking rather than using it as an excuse to stop prostitution. The best results can be had by supporting the legal sex workers, so that there's no market for such illegal tomfoolery, and making it easy to monitor who's doing what. FPIF does a good job of pointing out the stupid and contradictory "evidence" used by the abolitionists, who demonize pretty much everyone involved and make absurd accusations like how nearly all Amsterdam hookers are the victims of white slavery.

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Pirate School!

The University of Chicago is producing the ninja-fighters of the future by offering a class on pirate culture, allowing "egghead" students a taste of privateering on the high seas. I envision them all looking like this after graduation. Ten-to-one there's at least five guys in the course who have spent over $100 on a Jack Sparrow costume in the past five years.

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Foxy Lady Job Fair!

Economy got you down, can't find a job, looking for an up-and-coming career where the money is good and the dress is casual? The Foxy Lady strip club is here to help: they're hiring, and they welcome inexperienced people, whose only job experience has been nurse, secretary, teacher, or any other kind of career which gets better when you add "naughty" in front of it. (via).

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Porn Star Stewardess!

A stewardess' after-hours job has gotten some attention: she has been moonlighting as a porn star named Edita Bente, in between offering people pillows and peanuts at 30,000 feet. The awesomest part of the story: her job is safe, because the airlines have the common sense to recognize that a person's free-time is unrelated to their job. Intelligence wins!

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Naylin' Paylin Is Still Around?

Not only is Serra Paylin still around, there's still a huge demand for her art: Hustler can't keep up with the demand for DVDs, and Lisa Ann can't just be herself when performing at strip clubs. "She wasn't planning to appear as Sarah Palin, so she left the suit and specs at home. But after night one, the club's owner asked her to dance as the governor. So she went to a local mall and purchased a makeshift Palin costume for the few seconds she'd actually have it on." I feel sorry for Lisa Ann a little: it's like she's now that guy at Karaoke night who, in one drunken night, did a hilarious version of "I Fought the Law", and everyone expects it now. The difference is: Lisa Ann gets tips for giving the audience what they want, and they want to fantasize about a nutso Alaskan porn-star governor with huge tits.

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30-Day-Sex Results!

It has been a year since one crazy church said that, to help marital problems, the faithful should devote time to sex every day for a month. How'd it turn out? AJC has a little comment area, in which only people happy to announce their sex lives in public have posted, which means few devoted Christians, and a lot of perverts. Go perverts! Gracie and I tried the 7-day short-form version of the sex-challenge, and almost made it. Christians must have a lot of spare time; there's only so many hours in the day!

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Pope: Condoms = AIDS Worse!

The Pope, expert on all things related to sexuality and unbiased science, has declared that condoms don't make AIDS better - it actually makes things worse. Now, actual doctors and scientists have been saying for years that, if you're going to have sex,a condom will always be better than nothing. What Pappy doesn't realize is that people are going to have sex; they don't have Papal resolve when it comes to those urges. Nobody cares that some old guy says God wants them to be abstinent and chaste.

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Magic Lottery Dildo!

Man, do Iowans know how to tell a story. In short: gag gift dildo abandoned on move-out, guy tries to return it but stops for car repair, realizing mechanic might think it funny to have huge dildo in car, guy goes to get cash to pay mechanic without revealing identity, BAM, buys the winning lottery ticket after stopping at gas station ATM. The Magic Lottery Dildo claims another victim. What he doesn't realize is that the curse of the Magic Lottery Dildo is that it can only be spent on hookers, or your penis falls off.

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Brassiere Savant!

A ninety-year-old chinese man retired from his job last year, but is returning to his chosen career after hearing there was such a demand for his job. His mastered skill? Perfect bra construction based on merely observing said breasts. It must be tough, having a job in which he must just look at breasts all day. My abilities in bra-making require me to touch the breasts for about, oh, fifteen, twenty minutes, and then maybe I can draw a picture of a bra afterwards. My skills aren't in as much demand.

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Give Up Sex For Lent?!?

Holy crap, I couldn't do it, but somebody in the UK did - sadly, she didn't check with her husband before making the decision, but, well, if her husband doesn't understand, he must be a godless heathen. So, he writes an advice columnist, who says, "dude, ever hear of a hand-job?" Sadly, the advice columnist doesn't realize: a Catholic so pious to give up sex probably thinks a hand-job or a hummer is a sin, and nobody wants blow-job sin on their...hands...during Lent, you know.

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Hef's Thoughts On Life!

What does Hugh Hefner think about life, the universe, and everything? The Globe and Mail has pulled together a bunch of quotes, giving some insight into the old guy's mind.

My Nightmares Manifest!

Oh my fucking god. It's like someone stuck a pipecleaner in my brain while I was sleeping and dragged out the worst five aspects of my three worse nightmares and mooshed them into a single most terrifyingly sexy visual I could possibly have imagined. I think I might cry.

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Yam Yam Sexshop!

It's not often that a porno features a recognizeable place, but this actually surprised me: the Yam Yam Sexshop in Amsterdam, featured prominently in a 'sex tourism porno' site:

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Sneeze Porn!

Andrew Sullivan of The Atlantic has exposed his deepest, darkest fantasy: watching people sneeze. Oooh, it's so naughty - but Sullivan takes it too far, and includes that video of a panda sneezing. Now he's just made things so, so very wrong: pandas aren't sexy, they're the national identity of China. Naughty The Atlantic blogger pervert.

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Victorian Porn!

Reason magazine has published an article describing, without much detail, about pornography in the 19th century, what people did about it, and the amount of good laws did, as told in the book Licentious Gotham. Answer: punishing sex and pornography doesn't help much, and probably makes things worse. It's sure a good thing that history rarely repeats itself, right?

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Porno Candies!

"Mummy, what does it say on my sweets?" the kid asks: "It says, 'I love hummers', so just eat your caramel, kid." When you shop at a 99-cent store, you should expect something like this to happen once in a while: a load of candies got mixed up, and some marked with sexually-suggestive comments made it into the regular bags. Since it's in the UK, their 99-pence candy costs twice as much as our 99-cent candy here; your sexually-revealing candies cost twice as much as our melamine-contaminated candies - HA ha! Take a good look at the mom in the article, though: that's somebody without a sense of humor about the situation.

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Outrageous Sex!

Boy, sometimes they make my job easy for me: the Daily Star has pulled together dozens of blurbs about the most fucked-up sex news stories in recent history. Not enough links to the original articles for context, but, hell, you've got Google-Fu, you go find 'em. My guess is the one or two sentences from the Daily Star - "A secretary in London successfully sued her boss for £4,500 after he made her watch him gorge on a novelty chocolate penis." - is more than enough to get the gist of it.

Katerina Gets All Foamy

Oh, Katerina: wet, soapy, and sticking a vibrator in your twat is no way to go through life. Er, wait: I think that's a perfectly excellent way to spend your spare time:

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Career: Braologist!

Who do you go to when you need to know more about breasts? New Zealand "Braologist" Carol Rashleigh. Sadly, "braologist" is in quotes because few universities actually issue degrees in braology, despite the number of online "universities" that offer "courses" in such. And by "universities" I mean "porn sites", and by "courses" I mean "pearl necklace videos". Braologist Rashleigh has come forward to announce something important: New Zealand women's breasts are getting too big for their bras, practically erupting through the lace and silk. Get better bras, ladies, and do what the braologist says!

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Female Orgasm Commune!

OK, let's take the dirty hippie commune idea, add in some Eastern pro-sex metaphysics, and dump it all in hip, stylish San Francisco, and what do you get? You get the One Taste Urban Retreat Center, a female-orgasm centered co-ed commune. The Commune's website (down at the moment?) emphasizes a concept called "mindful sex", in which both partners make sure they're safe, happy, and enjoying themselves during sex. How dare they try to make sense in their immoral behavior! Evangelizing morality is supposed to make you feel guilty about sex; they're doing it all wrong! I do think they've got it right - showing people how to behave with each other is a wonderful objective - but like most communes it probably won't survive long. They lack a world-sized scope of morals; limiting things to sex and relationships does not a commune-sustaining movement make. Er, wait - the power of a women's orgasm seems to be more than sustaining enough for a community: Lafayette Morehouse has been around for forty years.

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No Nude Sex!

Nudists are having trouble being taken seriously, what with all the orgies going on. The Australian Nudists Foundation wants nudists to not be all having sex with each other while they're being nudists, so that people stop thinking nudists are dirty, naughty orgyists. They do make the qualification that it musn't be 'overt' sex, so go fuck on your own time, clothes-free naturists!

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Be A Playboy Mansion Neighbor!

Have you always wanted to hang out in your back yard and talk with your neighbors over the fence? Now, how about if those neighbors are hot, young, nubile silicone-enhanced bleach-blondes? Hugh Hefner is selling off his private residence, next door to the Playboy Mansion, for a cool $28 million. Presumably it's because he's finally moving into the room he'd prepaid for at St. Godiva Old Folks' Managed Care Facility. He should have called about those 'reverse mortgages' that let seniors keep their home without any monthly payments! Oh, OK, no more old-people jokes; Hef gets to touch more perky breasts before breakfast than I have in my whole life, so he deserves more credit than that. The other neighbor is the LA Country Club, which probably means Hef spent most days in his back yard yelling at rich people to come get their balls off his lawn. You have no idea how hard it is to be the neighbor of both a country club and a haven for hotties.

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Talking Breasts!

A bra manufacturer wants women to know what happens when they wear a nice fitting, pretty bra: your tits get higher billing:

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Green Condoms!

Want a green condom? Not those glow-in-the-dark ones your creepy uncle gave you for your 20th birthday: actual ecologically-sound condoms. A British condom manufac turer has looked at the sustainability of production, waste creation, and general environmental impact of condoms, and found that all that fucking you do is hurting the environment (not that the pill is any better) So, next time you wrap your dick for some fun, stop and think a little bit: is that condom really going to make the world a better place?

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Identify Porn!

Do you need help distinguishing professional porn from amateur porn? The the Daily Spank has a helpful guide for you! Average-sized penis: Amateur porn. CR/LF-sized penis: professional porn. Just keep that in mind.

Cassandra's Wet T-Shirt Bath

Alas, yet another hot chick who never learned to take off all her clothes before getting in the bath. It makes me wonder bathing with their cotton panties clinging to their labia is the reason they're so hot. Still, they'll need to peel some of that off in order to properly wash certain areas of attention:

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Miss Nude Internet!

Oh, Internet: is there nothing you can make more amazing? Rather than just accepting that nude people are available on the internet, one place is making it even awesomer: the Ms. Nude Internet contest, which not only exhibits the nude women, but gives awards to those that are the best as being naked. So, not only can you see nudes online, but one place is making sure you see only the Greatest softcore porn available. (via)

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Blowguard?

If your dick feels too much teeth when you're getting a hummer, you might want to invest in the Blowguard. This is a horseshoe of silicone, designed to fit over the lower teeth, to protect delicate bits from the sharp edges therein. Not content with just that, the front edge of the Blowguard has a tiny vibrator inside, to add to the experience. I'm one of those guys who doesn't cum from a blowjob, but I do love going down on my gal, and the blowguard works well for her, too, at least according to this review. I haven't got one yet, but Gracie might have to splurge a little! (via)

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Big Tits On ReMax Commercial!

I so totally saw this commercial, and even Gracie had to say something about her tits: ReMax is using huge breasts to trick people into buying overpriced homes! Sadly, it works. Huge breasts always succeed at their assigned tasks.

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Ogden: Pro-Porn Atty General!

Nominee for deputy attorney general David Ogden has coservatives' panties in a bind: he has been a defender of pornography in the past, promoting First Amendment rights for everyone's safety. Republicans, however, are terrified video of two people having sex will destroy our culture more than militant Christianity, greed without bounds, and making the poor even poorer. But, oh, no, not naked people! Ogden wasn't really a porn lawyer; he worked on behalf of the ACLU, interested in promoting freedom and reducing government influence in the lives of individual's beliefs, two things espoused by conservatives but only if it meets their needs. Ogden is also pro-choice, anti-death penalty, and combined with his positive free speech stance makes him pleasantly progressive after the past 8 years.

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Do-It-Yourself Camera!

Do you like to take pictures, but feel like you're missing the visceral experience of the slave labor that built your cheap-ass camera? Superheadz has the camera for you! Looking suspiciously like every free camera given out with a magazine subscription or new checking account, the Plamodel comes on spurs like a Snap-Tite model, so you can put it together and start taking pictures. Only thirty bucks. Superheadz, as a whole, does have some awesome in their catalog, like this 35MM TLR (see also). (via)

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Porn: Not Bad!

Dr. Gail Saltz has her head on straight - Q: "Is porn bad?" A: "No, not unless you're doing it wrong." This sort of level-headedness doesn't belong in the media, Ms. Saltz - I want to know who gave you your credentials! She gives a few main harms that come from pornography, and they all have to do with guys being assholes. So, guys, if you want to keep your porn, stop being an asshole about it. Don't tell your woman her tits are too small, don't choose porn over your gal, don't expect bedroom gymnastics, and, for fuck's sake, don't post her nude pictures to MySpace, you dick. Dr. Gail Saltz with fucking come down there and kick your stupid ass.

Jaime's Luau Sluttiness

Oh, baby - you do realize that those fake coconut bras, the plastic grass-skirt, the nylon flowers...you know those are for decorative purposes, right? You're not supposed to wear them? Hell, who am I kidding...I'm always the one who fucks the drunk chick who's wearing the decorations at the theme party.

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Leave Dildos To The Pros!

Just because somebody else has hooked up a dildo to a sabersaw doesn't mean it's as easy as you think - this gal found out the hard way when she was injured by a homemade saw/dildo contraption during some intimate playtime. No charges will be filed because the act was consensual (well, at least up until the 'use a power tool to make be bleed' part). So, ladies, keep in mind: if your man lurches towards your cunt you with anything plugged into the mains, always check that the idiot removed the blade first.

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Gear Coasters!

Crap, I could make these easily with scraps from work - but if you're not handy, you can get some that somebody else made:


(via)

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Porn Saves Comcast!

After their previous porn experience, you'd think Comcast would be put off of naughtiness. Unfortunately, advertising revenues are down, so they've got to find somebody to spend money in 30-second chunks. Those people? Pornographers are picking up advertising time, and the cable companies are happy to take all ten inches, right up to the hilt - not only because of the ad revenue, but because the cable companies get a chunk of the pay-per-view revenues, so it all adds up to a bit of mutual masturbation making television worthwhile, as it has been for decades.

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Take Nude Photos!

Whether you're looking for a recession-proof income, or planning on sexting with your students, taking artistic nude photos are the right way to success. CNet Australia has a slideshow of tips and instruction on how to get yourself into the softcore porn industry - so track down some girls going wild, try not to act like a lecherous jerk, and you might just get to hang around with mostly-nude women all day. Everybody wins!

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Superman BDSM!

Joe Shuster was one of the Superman co-creators, but it wasn't his only job - he also illustrated for the naughty BDSM and fetish pulp rags of the time, drawing spanked women and dominant men that looked suspiciously like Clark Kent and Lois Lane.

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Beer For Lunch And Dinner!

Dr. Malcolm Lloyd of Johns Hopkins has some amazing news: one to two drinks a day makes you live longer - and happier, I presume - than teetotallers. Now let's see my boss complain about the Natty Light in my lunchbox today! If course, he warns that health benefits careen out of control when you get much more than casual drinking (remember, 4 or 5 is considered 'binge drinking'), so the six-pack you finished off during American Idol last week isn't going to help you live to a hundred, you loser. (via)

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Are You Asexual?

My guess is, if you're panting and erect while staring at the tits I post, you're probably not. If the reason your here is for my erudite and witty comments on the news, and you skip over the pictures because they're wasting valuable interwebs, then you might just be. Here, have some help in determining your asexuality, via a flowchart.

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Hook-Up Books: Embarassed!

Books about how women who hook-up are damaged for life think that these women have no faces - cover your eyes, hide your sad countenance, curl up in a fetal position, woman: you had sex for fun, and you will never, ever, ever get over it. For shame.

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Reasons We Love Whores!

The Daily Spank has provided a very important list: Seven reasons to love whores. Not just "love" whores, but revel in the fact that such a thing exists. Sometimes, we forget the reason to love things that are always around you.

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Porn Star Tweets

Boy, as if you needed to know anything more about the tiniest details of your favorite pornstars, somebody's kludged together a way to follow all porn-star Twitters at once. The domain is "P, or N, start weet", which I think is some reference the P/NP problem, and the sound guinea-pigs make. Awfully brainy domain for a website devoted to self-paparraziing erotic film stars. (via)

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Penis Enlarger: Works!

Holy crap, nobody expected this! An Italian group studied a penis enlarger, which used "dynamic rods", for a year, and found that floppy penises are actually longer after usage, without affecting erection ability. They even say that erect length is improved, but they don't say how much, which is what everyone really wants to know. It's probably to protect the delicate sensibilities of the Italian men studied, whose post-extension penis size is still smaller than mine. Sorry, Italy!

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Sexy Maid Service!

No, you don't get to touch them. No, you don't get to make them clean the toilet. But for $125 Canadian (or $500 US), a naughty maid will come dust and clean your house. I think this is asking for a lot of cute maids to end up sexually assaulted, so I hope they have some safeguards in place - because this is the awesomest cleaning service ever.

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Craigslist: More Hookers!

Craig's List, who had previously said they'd cut down on prostitution ads, still holds the title "single largest source of prostitution". In Chicago, at least, according to a Cook County sheriff, who has noticed, first-hand, that the place to go to find a hooker is Craigslist. Looks like "your mom" is falling further as the correct answer to the question: "where do I find a hooker?", but Craigslist is nowhere near as funny.

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Nudists: No Dickheads!

At a "swingers-only" nudist resort in Australia, getting dressed can result in an ass-kicking. One gentleman, either unsure of or uncaring of the dress code, was confronted by three nude ladies over the amount of clothes he was wearing. Management intervened, hoping to avert trouble, but a near-riot almost broke out. The women claim that his being dressed allowed him to be lecherous towards them, while across-the-board nudity means everyone can be sexually demeaning to each other: it's all about power, people! The clothing-excessive man was kicked out before things got too nasty.

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Dog Owner Breast Safety!

I've found a kindred spirit, one who watches the Kennel Club shows for the same reason: the bouncing breasts. Inventor Selaine Saxby noticed how the women jogging with their pets around the ring were risking tit injury, and decided to make it right by inventing a bra specifically designed to prevent show-dog handlers from chest injuries. While I can appreciate the benefit to the women, it potentially reduces the amount of boobie-bouncing on TV, which means more of my masturbation-time may be spent watching pomeranians prance around the screen. I'm still weighing the pros and cons.

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Video Games: More Sex!

Video games need more sex, says gamer columnist Ryan Lambie - not because they need to get as puerile and juvenile as the violence has gotten, but because there's such opportunity for artistic expression, much as how some violent videogames have received acclaim for their cinematic nature, there's as much opportunity for a "Last Tango In Paris" of videogames to fall into the sweaty palms of some intrigued twenty-something via Gamestop.

Tattoo Barbie: WHORE!

Mattel has released a new Barbie, complete with tattoos that can be put - and some articles emphasize this - anywhere on her body. The Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie has parents up in arms, because allowing kids to give Barbie a tramp-stamp is only going to turn their precious daughters into whores. Mattel tried in 1999, selling a Barbie with stickers that resembled tattoos, but those got pulled as well. Will Mattel never learn: women are only supposed to get tattoos when their bodies are ridden with sexually-transmitted diseases, their vagina visits a stranger's dick every couple hours, and they spend most waking hours drunk. It is completely irresponsible to show an attractive, self-assured woman getting a tattoo because she thinks it's beautiful. But, isn't that what most people's problem with Barbie is? Beauty is to be rejected, unless you're naturally so.

Sternomancy!

Holy fuck, I've found my calling in life: fortune telling via the ancient art of 'sternomancy', which means examining the chest for aspects that might foretell the future. It seems I may need to travel to 18th-century Spain to learn the craft, but I can't find any fault in examining the chests of fine Spanish ladies in learning a new trade.

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Social Media = Sex!

This may explain why social media is starting to beat sex as a search term - NetworkWorld has several reasons the two are alike, from the naughty ("Some people keep tally of their successes, no matter how superficial.") to the sappy ("Ultimately, success or failure depends upon how well you are communicating. "). I'd like to add that it's better when you include lots of leather and spankings. Wait, what?

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Sex Three Times A Week!

If you want a long-term relationship to work, you better fuck at least three times a week. This comes from a poll in the UK, which also says to kiss and cuddle several times a day, which sounds like a lot of work...but will certainly help you get to the thrice-weekly boinkings. It's awfully hard to work up to sex with someone when you've barely touched in days!

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Iggy Pop: French Lit Jazz?!?

Iggy Pop, best known for being the skinniest person to appear on The Adventures of Pete and Pete, is planning on releasing a Jelly Roll Morton-inspired album of jazz dedicated to French sci-fi literature. Every god-damned word in that sentence is soaked in awesome and glazed with kick-ass.

Soapy Bathtime For Lucy

Lucy is such a dirty girl; just one bath won't be enough, I think...I'm offering to share mine with her, so she doesn't seem so wasteful: I'm sure I can make it worthwhile for both of us:

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25 Things About Sex

I've wasted most of the day reading this site: 25 Things About My Sexuality. It borders on meme-dom, but it looks edited and the responses are well thought-out, so it's quick reading without getting all "thirteen things my cat did today" on you. I first anticipated it to be moderately arousing; the stories tend to be frank and honest, and largely emphasize people's hangups and flaws in bed -- and all of them seem to be women so far.

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Six-Pack Diet!

I thought I was doing it right, but a six-pack of Coor's doesn't count - this guy claims to have solved the six-pack problem -- 20 ounces of lean meat, 16 ounces of eggs, rice, potatoes, and veggies to get a six-pack. Oh, and 150 crunches a day - I think you could get a six-pack doing 150 crunches a day while eating a Big-Mac-Whopper-Onion-Ring-Milkshake; exercise is always the most necessary part. But don't listen to me; my waist has gone up 4 inches in the past 5 years.

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Kiss The Sky!

Do these still exist anymore? Sadly, fewer than ever before; I remember my dad taking me to Mother's Records down in Fargo, when it was housed in an old wooden church, across the street from two other churches. At eight, I knew what the bongs behind glass in the back of the store were for, but I wasn't about to admit it. The old church was torn down to build a strip mall in the 80s. Dan Kennedy, late in life, gets himself a job behind the counter at one of those rare remaining independent music stores, and tells us all about it.

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Stanford Vulva Experiment!

Sexual dysfunction in women lies largely in the brain, says a new study coming out of Stanford; 40% of women lack the mental arousal despite the physical ability to do so, as observed while testing the brain and "objectively observing the gentials" while the test subject viewed women's sporting events interspersed with snippets of erotic movies - which sounds like the awesomest application of the Ludovico Technique ever. While they don't say exactly what the brain issue is, there seems to be a connection to how aware a woman is of her body's sexual arousal, which means that relaxation and release may be more important than some hormone or blood-flow issue.

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Huge Boob Art!

Oh, giant boobs, is there never a time people want to see you? An artist in China (wait, China?) has devoted his skilled efforts to celebrating the naturally curvy woman:

Oh, no - the sculpture isn't a natural woman: sculptor Shu Yong is trying to show what a Godzilla-like set of plastic-surgery enhanced breasts would look like pounding through town. Er, I think he might be missing the point, but he's been showing off his huge tits for a couple years, so he seems to really, really like his giant breasts, at least a little.

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Sex: Healthy!

Sex has health benefits! Yes, I know, I post something like this every couple weeks, but it needs to be reminded, over and over - there's far more articles online about how people are doing sex wrong, so we all need to remember how to do it right. So, grab somebody you care about, get naked, burn some calories and release some immunoglobulin A - it's good for you!

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Vagina Exercises!

Holy crap - if I knew I was fucking a woman who regularly used one of these, I'd be worried her snapping my dick off. It's a 'pelvic wall exerciser', which lets a woman go all thighmaster with her vaginal muscles, to improve her sexlife, and presumably that of her beau's as well. In that case, I suppose I'd like to be with someone who uses it...but if she can crack walnuts with her pelvic wall, some caution may be advised.

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Conservatives Love Porn!

A new study out shows that good, wholesome church-going folk loves them the pornography - So-called 'red states' have more online porn subscriptions per person than more liberal states. It's all about control with those Conservatives, isn't it? Other people's porn habits are under scrutiny and need laws passed, but when it comes to themselves - "hands off, don't tell me what I can and can't do". Democracy and libertarianism for the rich, laws and socialism for the poor - the dysfunctional attitude of the conservative parties is what's paying for the online pornographer's Porches - so we at leave have that going for us.

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