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More Cosmo Fail!
 Does Cosmo really have an entire book of these? Dude, the number of injuries must be epic. Anyhow, here's the newest one - some from-behind position. When I'm erect, there's no way my dick is going to point downward, but, hey, I'm sure it's possible - still, the guy is way too high, the best he can do here is fuck her in the ass. Again, possible, but still a far from ideal position for such things. I'm beginning to think Cosmo's illustrator thinks a penis sticks out as though the vagina were turned inside out like a pocket - straight down, anchored right in front of the anus. Creepy, yes, but most of Cosmo's positions line up the bottom of the crotch with her vagina, like he's got a double-ended dildo sticking out of his vagina and the other end is positionable within a 180-degree radius. Anyhow, the dick and either hole aren't going to line up - note that the outside of his right hip is against the inside of her right thigh, which puts his penis at least the thickness of his leg to the left of her cunt. In the instructions, it says the guy sits right behind your buns - whatever that means - and as he rocks back and forth, you close your thighs? With your legs straight out behind you? That's like trying to be fucked while standing, knees locked and together. Again, maybe this is intended to trick women into anal, but I don't think that's Cosmo's intention. Lastly, although it doesn't affect the coitus itself, but do you know anybody whose back can make a 90-degree turn backwards right at the shoulderblades? That's some excellent yoga shit right there, let me tell you. 
More from this gallery >> Labels: cosmopolitan, sex positions, wtf
Cosmo Anatomy Analysis!
This time, Cosmo does a bit better than previous attempts at proper anatomy. My first kudos: the penis and vagina actually line up! Most sexual artists agree that penis/vagina cooperation is rarely required in pornographic art, just an afterthought for the most part, so Cosmo has gone above and beyond to show people actually fucking in a drawing of people fucking. In order to do so, they either had to shrink their male fucker down to about 5' 1", or grow their woman up to 6' tall. Certainly, I'm not opposed to either Amazon fucking or shorty fucking, but considering your usual height difference, that pose won't work. The 'fun' of this pose, according to Cosmo, is to "Stand beside a soft-spraying sprinkler and bend over so the water hits your genitals.". Hey, graphic artist: do you know where a woman's genitals are? No, tits aren't genitals. Lots of fun, but no, they aren't genitals. The red circle in my diagram depicts the position of the clitoris, the funnest place to spray water, which is sandwiched between their hips. And, Jesus, Cosmo, did your parents never let you run through a sprinkler when you were a child? Sprinklers are designed to spray water everywhere - one that sprays in a focused beam is going to get thrown away pretty quick. My guess is it's spinning, so after it's done soaking the 'genitals' in her belly-button, it's going to spin around and get her full in the face, filling her upside-down nostrils with cold hose-water. Hey, if Amazons are into that, who am I to judge. Oh, wait - they actually suggest that - "Instead of keeping the sprinkler on the stationary setting, switch it to rotate so you get a bliss-inducing blast all over your body." I've only got one kind of bliss-inducing face-spray, and it involves my cock; what Cosmo's suggesting is waterboarding your lover.
The entire 'article' >> Labels: cosmopolitan, sex positions, wtf
More Cosmo Fail
I think this is going to be a running feature on this site: Cosmopolitan magazine continues to fail anatomy class. First of all, penis and vagina positioning continue to fail - just look at where the bottom of his ass is, and where they think is penis is, it's like three inches below his crotch. But beyond anatomy, Cosmo fails at physics this time, particularly how leverage works. In science class, the babe here is a 2nd Order Lever - the fulcrum is at one end, the weight is in the middle, and the force acting on the weight is at the other end, her feet. Holding on to his neck, all of her weight is trying to swing towards his body, with her feet to stop from either pushing him over or pulling him forward. Her feet are significantly beyond the fulcrum - try this, my experimenters: sit down on the floor with your knees bent and your feet about two feet underneath your dining room table. Now grab the edge of the diningroom table and pull yourself up so the tabletop is at nose level. Hard, ain't it? that's because your feet can't do much, the leverage is forcing your feet to lift up off the floor. Pretty much all this couple can do it stand like this, his throbbing cock against her belly, and all her weight against his thighs. This might work if her feet were against a flat wall, and not resting on a hovering three-inch-thick midget bed, thus giving her something to push against so she can do the thrusting. He can't thrust; if he stops leaning backwards against her weight, they'll both fall towards her. Unless he's Superman or something, holding all of her weight on his hands (at the end of monkey-like super-long arms according to the image below) and moving her around like a sex toy. That would help a lot of sex positions; here, not even Superman's mighty penis can line up with how they're positioned. Total fail. 
More from this gallery >> Labels: cosmopolitan, sex positions, wtf
Cosmo Fails Anatomy!
I've been checking out Cosmo's "hot new positions" images for a while, and they usually require quite a bit of geometry to make them fit. This recent one is a total FAIL. Unless fucking her belly button is the intent. Even if she wasn't floating two inches above the floor (suspended by his penis?) or putting all of her weight on the arch of his foot, her back is arched and her ass is sticking out - her vagina is pointed ninety degrees away from his dick, even if their crotches lined up. But, like I've said before, Cosmo is simply erotica, so nobody's going to try it - she's going to diddle her clit while fantasizing about Mr. Line Art in the shower.  Labels: cosmopolitan, wtf
Your Tongue?!?
Okay guys, I know all you're looking at is her huge rack, covered in some hand-lotion soapy stuff. Divert your eyes away for a little while, and look a little northwards. She's pouring the fucking soap on her tongue first. Lady, you're tits rock, but tripping my gag reflex is no way to turn me on. Jesus, I don't even know why I'm posting this, I'm not going to be able to look at my own site until this falls off the main page. 
More from this gallery >> Labels: ddf busty, huge breasts, soapy, wtf
Lesbian Day-labor!
" Hey, you - yeah, you two the temp agency sent over, get the fuck back to work! Jesus christ, they never send over anybody who can do the work. Yesterday it was midgets, the day before it was the armless guy, and today they send two huge-breasted lesbians. This Walgreen's is never going to get built." 
More from this gallery >> Labels: lesbian, wtf
Muppet Poaching!
PETA has been protesting the porn site Glamour Try-Outs for weeks after this photo surfaced: the Pink Dobley is one of the rarest of Muppets, so rare that it is impossible to secure work permits for children's television anywhere in the world (except Myanmar, whose junta uses the pink Muppets in propoganda films). Rumors of Dobley poaching have been circulating around the Muppetaxidermy circles, but this photo is the first proof that one has been killed and skinned. Authorities are searching for the outfit, which - on the black market - could be worth several million dollars. 
More from this gallery >> Labels: asian, fur, glamour tryouts, huge breasts, pink, wtf
Flower Farter Six!
Farting on flowers must be a huge turn-on, since it seems to be everywhere online. Ass flowers aren't my idea of sexy; move that flower over, I'll feel a bit better about fantasizing about pounding that ass. Flowers just make me feel funny about it. 
More from this gallery >> Labels: ass, flower, wtf
Flower Farter Five!
Yes, I'm eight years old. The "flower farter" designation is very literal to me. I imagine, just before the camera's shutter clicked, she farted and then - *pop!* - she produced a flower. That look on her face means, "oh pardon me - wait, what was that noise? Do I smell carnations?" 
More from this gallery >> See also: Flower Farter 1 2 3 4. Labels: ass, flower, stockings, wtf
Lollipop Guild Temptation!
No - stay back, nude black babe! Molesting the Lollipop Guild will bring down the wrath of Glinda upon you! Just because he says he's the Tin Man doesn't mean he's got ten inches of steel in his pants. Oz is a dangerous place for half-naked sluts! 
More from this gallery >> Labels: black, bootylicious, nice ass, wtf
Clown Hair!
See, this is what happens when clowns procreate recklessly. Sure, she could have died her hair, but the purpose of artistic porn is to show people what's underneath, the truth about the person inside...even if that person is the unholy spawn of the John 3:16 Guy and Loonette: 
More from this gallery >> Labels: glamour tryouts, tori black, wig, wtf
...Or She Gets It!
Marlys knew her brother was a production assistant on a film, but visiting him on the set reveals he left out one small detail about the nature of the films he worked on. Little did she know, today was the day Buffy would finally snap. " Alright, nobody move, otherwise the homely chick I've never seen before gets it!" 
More from this gallery >> Labels: actiongirls, gun, porn star, wtf
Wookie Walkies!
It's sure nice that this young lady, despite her lack of clothing, would still take her Ewok out for some fresh air. Still, I find it rather racist and demeaning that she have him on a leash - come on, lady, they built cities in the trees and defeated Stormtroopers, they're not some womprat to be shackled and fed treats! They have language - language!
More from this gallery >> Labels: beach, dogs, just nudes, nsfw, redhead, wtf
Bruno's Ladyboy Friend
Bruno, a/k/a Sasha Something-Cohan, is in Berlin for the launch of his umlaut-loving character's new movie, also called Bruno. To do so, he signed up some models, hired some knitters, and made some full-body nudesuits so he could go hang out at the Brandenburg Gate. I mean, who hasn't wanted to be fakenude at the Brandenburg Gate? Below is one of the pictures...I'm feeling a little confused; that one on the right is extremely attractive to me. I'd like to think it's for the body underneath, and not the suit itself. Unless they made the bodysuit to match the body underneath. Which still doesn't necessarily turn me off to him/her.  Labels: bruno, sacha baron cohen, sexy costume, wtf
GIRLS, NO!
Wait-WAIT! Ladies, I think you have misread the instructions somehow. That, totally, is absolutely the wrong way to use a dildo, here, give me the instructions, because it says...oh, wait. Damn Chinese-made sex toys, the instructions do say to impale the rubber penis and grill it. Well, here, let me show you the right way - you, the one with the creepy grin, drop your panties and spread 'em! 
More from this gallery >> Labels: dildo, fireplace, teens, wtf
Cirque Du Hoagies
Cirque Du Soleil must be really pushing their performers: you know you're in a cut-rate Mia Michaels performance when you're expected to eat lunch while performing. I mean, come on - and subs? Couldn't they have done something like corndogs or popsicles, something even remotely sexy? I mean, really: if the Quizno's guy saw these two, he'd stop fucking his oven. 
More from this gallery >> Labels: body paint, food, wtf
Green Acres: The Place To Be!
Eb comes running in - " Mr. Douglas! Mrs. Douglas is trying to milk the billy goat!" The porn music starts as Eddie Albert takes Eva Gabor by the hand...there's just not enough Green Acres porn in the world. The photo below - thankfully - has no goat-on-woman porn, which makes me wonder: why is the goat there at all, then? Answer: because there's just not enough Green Acres porn in the world. 
More from this gallery >> Labels: busty beauties, green acres, high heels, outdoors, wtf
Caveman Babe!
Sometimes, I think these porn photographers have just a few issues with women - for example, this set, in which a woman starts tied up with nobody around, but then cavemen show up, give her a bone ( literally), and she grins seductively while playing the bongos. Analysis: at a formative age, somebody's mom told him that artistic photography was nerdy, and only jocks get babes: 
More from this gallery >> Labels: cavewoman, club anetta, tied up, wtf
Raydeen Fucks Somebody!
See, I had a Raydeen when I was a kid - he didn't fuck anybody, and I sold him at a rummage sale when I was ten, but he seems to have moved on to a porn career after I rejected his love. The 1970s were a fucked-up time, y'all. What the photographer probably doesn't realize is that, today, if he still had those three toys in original condition, they're probably worth more than he got paid for this lame photoshoot. 
More from this gallery >> Labels: gallery, jumbo machinder, robot porn, shogun warriors, wtf
Pineapple Nursing!
Excuse me, miss: why is your pineapple so small? "The doctor called it something like 'failure to thrive' - I just can't get my pineapple to nurse; it won't latch on to my nipple like a pineapple should. Doctor thinks I should buy powdered pineapple milk for him." 
More from this gallery >> Labels: exotic, just nudes, pineapple, wtf
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