Sexy Robbers Stop Bike

Out for a bike ride, a Florida man got a sexy surprise: robbery by a gang of women with nothing but suspender straps to cover their nipples. It sounds like he just barely escaped the horrorshow ultra-violence, because the Warriors had just barely made it home.

Putin: Defeats Tigers!

We've all known that Russian PM Vladimir Putin is some sort of extraterrestrial superhero, and now it's nice to see him using his powers for good. While visiting a nature preserve, Putin saw a tiger escape, threatening to attack a TV crew. Quick- thinking Putin shot the tiger with a tranquilizer dart and saved everyone's lives. Putin once killed three Chuck Norrises just by sitting up quickly, and once he even counted to infinity...twice.

What Makes A Man

Honor, health, happiness, and good relationships are what makes a real man, according to a new study which took a look at both regular guys and ED guys, mostly to see if there's a difference in opinion and values. Priority of getting laid? Not as high as those things above. Material desires? Not so much either. Oh, I'm sure they still want those things, but they just don't consider them characteristics of being 'masculine'.

Amtrak Runs Out Of Gas

See, as far as mass-transit goes, this is why airlines suck. Airplane runs out of gas: kiss your ass goodbye while your plane plummets towards the ground. Train runs out of fuel: a brief wait for a replacement to arrive. Not that it didn't suck, but I don't think they annoyed passengers viewed their predicament in the correct light.

TSA Hates Boobies

A well-endowed woman kept setting off the airport metal detectors. Not satisfied that she has a lot of underwire in her bra, the TSA had to man-handle her huge tits. What could have been a sexy, sexy story ended up with a pissed off traveller and another example of airport security gone wild. Horribly, horribly wild.

No Nun Pageant

As I had thought, the Nun Beauty Contest wasn't real. Or, rather, the priest who had thought about it and came up with detailed plans for accepting applicants and how they will be judged has said that he was just thinking out loud about judging a nun's inner beauty. A priest, imagining evaluating legions of beautiful nuns. I think he's going to have to pray a few rosaries to atone for his sin of thought.

BDSM = Grrreat!

People who engage in BDSM aren't disturbed or dangerous, and actually may be having better sex than the 'normals'. Um, duh. Now, I'm not for anything that leaves serious marks on the participants, but getting a little freaky is actually good for couples if they want it that way. It doesn't surprise me that the survey results say, "people who receive the kind of sexplay they desire are happier than those who don't." More proof that those viewing the act of sex without participating haven't a fucking clue about what's 'right' or 'wrong', and shouldn't be allowed to say anything about it.

Nun Beauty Contest

Rev. Antonio Rungi of Naples, one of the brains behind the inflatable beach church, has a new plan to attract the lustful to the Catholic faith. The Sister Italia beautycontest is open to nuns from all over the world who can prove their outer beauty matches their inner beauty. The Padre's website says nothing about it, and if he has a blog it ain't showing up in searches, which makes me think it could be a hoax. Still, all I can envision is Evangeline:Gunslinging nuns from the future are the hottest of all nuns.

Anti-Drug Teen Ninjas

Two kids dressed up as ninjas were targeting drug users and dealers, giving them highly poetic threatening messages. Their first target: the 16-year-old girlfriend of one of the ninjas. You see, Nothing is more threatening to a Shinobi Warrior than a 16-year-old Jersey girl. As far as ninjas go, they sucked at it -- nobody sees a ninja who does his job right. If they were real ninjas, the cops would have found an empty car alongside the road and issued a parking violation. I've seen enough movies to know that much. It looks like these two kids had a little too much anime and Red Bull.

Bikers and Puppies

I know a lot of gals read my blog, so this is mostly 'eye candy' for them, but that fact should be a model for guys: the biggest, ass-kickingest guys are more attractive when they show how they love their dogs. Rescue Ink is a band of tattooed bikers who work with the ASPCA, checking in on at-risk dogs in areas that, well, are safer for a huge tattooed guy than a 100-lb vet-med undergrad gal. When one of these guys stops at your door and says your dog needs a bigger bowl of water, you're gonna listen.

Taserin' the Emu

When you can't shoot the emu, a Taser works just as well. I'm allowed to imagine that the smell of fried chicken hovered in the air after the incident, right? Mmmmmm.....electroshocked emu with a side of garlic mashed potatoes.

Barbie Gets Fishy

Dude takes his granddaughter fishing. Granddaughter passes her Barbie fishing rod to him so she can use the potty. Dude catches 21+lb catfish with a Barbie fishing rod. The fish was longer than the fishing rod itself. My guess is that the fish were put off by the anatomically accurate nipples on grandpa's Pamela Anderson fishing rod.

Set Rules BeFOURhand

A friendly foursome group sex party turned into violence when the guys decided they weren't agreeing on whatever was going on. The two couples appear to have tried to end things there, but at some point one guy got gashed in the face. See, folks, this is why group sex needs rules -- it'll always end up with a face-gash if you don't.

Spiders + Fire = AWESOME

A teenager was trying to get rid of spiders with fire and managed to burn a lot more than just the arachnids. I mean, out in Reno, so close to nuclear testing sites, those spiders had to be 8 Legged Freaks-sized spiders, right? Why nobody has their celphone camera out when these things attack, I just don't understand.

Stiff and Upright

His last wishes were to have his Yankees cap and stand around with everybody else, and with the help of an embalmer he got what he wanted. So, for three days the lad mannequined his way through his wake, while everyone did their best not to knock him over...they'd seen what happens to a mannequin when tossed to the floor, and nobody wanted to deal with whatever was going to happen to the guy's head if his corpse toppled over.

Famous Boobs Faxed

I don't know what an 'Emmerdale' is, but one of its busty stars was screwing around with a multifunction copier to photocopy her breasts. Whoops -- she had it on 'fax' instead of copy. Just the idea of unexpected breasts printing out at dozens of fax machines throughout ITV's offices makes me hard.

My Penis Is A Barometer

MSN Health rambles a bit about male sex mysteries, and acts like they know alot, but it's a lot of fluff. First of all, we sleep after sex because it's a lot of fucking work. I take a nap after mowing the lawn or changing my brake pads, and nobody writes a book about those gender mysteries. The most excellent part: my penis is a barometer. Pay attention, baby, you'll know when the storm is a'comin'.

Kali Impalement

A woman, while 'staggering around' in her home, managed to impale herself on a statue of Kali, Hindu goddess of death, destruction, and creation. As if statues of Kali weren't terrifying enough, having one run through your arm and not being able to remove it yourself would probably be a bit of a mindfuck. The lady was attached to Kali for over a half hour, although I'm sure she would have been rescued sooner if Indiana Jones were nearby.

Bad Eyesight = RICH

Bobby Guffey is one of those rigidly logical lottery players who bet on the same numbers in every drawing. That is, until he forgot his bifocals and accidentally filled in 48 instead of 46. Upon realizing his error, he went back and bought another ticket using the "right" numbers. The 'error' numbers won him $3 million, and his 'right' numbers got him a cool grand in addition. Lucky blind bastard.

Bigfoot Is Really Opossum

The dead Bigfoot found in the Georgia mountains has turned out to be largely an opossum, according to DNA tests. I can sympathize, because I've often mistaken opossums for hulking bipedal simians, but isn't that part of how opossums protect themselves from predators? I seem to remember they're good at pretending. Oh, well. Better luck next time, bigfoot investigators!

Milwaukee: Sexy!

Marie Claire magazine has announced that Milwaukee is the sexiest city in America. While beer brats, NASCAR, rabid football fandom, and cows rarely ellicit a sexual positive, this article may have something to do with it: beer googles do work. Thanks to Milwaukee's vast history of brewing beer, Marie Claire researched the city, had a bit too much Leiney's Honeyweiss, and lo and behold they were ready to sleep with Milwaukee before they even got it's name. Sure, Elle and Cosmo tried to talk Marie out of it, but she couldn't help herself (I believe Elle went home with Flint, MI and Cosmo was intri! gued by St Paul's urban artistic nature).

Porn: Not A Sellout

For all the accusation that porn is becoming mainstream, someone who loves number-porn has done the math, and sees porn either relatively stable, or declining in recent years. The only numbers that could remotely apply to internet porn are the 'men/women who have looked at porn' numbers, which are relatively consistent, with an unsurprising dip during the seventies, when people were fucking constantly, and had no time for porn. The print porn, including non- or semi-nude lad's mags, have been dropping off, but is consistent with overall magazine subscriptions and change to internet use. All I can say is, thank god that it's not mainstream; mainstream makes everything suck, with its homogenization! for the largest audience. Fetish porn would die away, unable to compete, and then what will Gary the 'Gay Furry in Pantyhose Fetishist' do? On the other hand, I think the accusation of porn going mainstream is that it's more okay to watch porn than before. People have always looked at porn, but formerly under the stigma of 'porn is bad for you'. Today, it's not just tolerated: porn is even good for you.

Canada: Local Porn HOT

A new porn channel is coming to Canada. Its selling point: half the programming will contain Canadian fucking. When US production companies want to save a few bucks, they move filming to Vancouver, but getting Canadian porn off the ground has been more difficult than LA or Miami porn, despite more a liberal environment and increasing ease of distribution. I could make jokes about flannel and 'aboot' in porn, but that'd just turn you on. Easily identifiable by lack of suntans, excessive friendliness, and the robust health only afforded by a national healthcare system, I can honestly believe that Canadian porn will take the world by storm.

Dog + Golf = Choking Hazard

Dogs love to chase things, dogs love to grab things in their mouths, but when it's small enough to be swallowed, dogs get surgery, like this puppy who saw a fast-moving white dot, chased it, and managed to swallow the golf ball whole. A little surgery later, and the dog is fine, but golfers everywhere are being more careful about putting near the puppies.

Sex & Sports: OK!

Having sex the night before the big game has been seen as a weakening force, so sports teams often keep their players away from the opposite sex before a game. So, why do the China Olympics need 100,000 condoms? Because Pliny knows his shit, that's why. Sure, it's a distraction, and if you spend all night trying to get a gal in bed you're going to mess up your game, but those are because of the pre-game events, not the score itself. So, by all means, scarily-muscular sexy Olympians, get laid, but hop into bed quickly. Wasting time could cost you the medal.

Coins Don't Burn

When most people want a Chevy Silverado, they go sign a bunch of papers which guarantee they'll pay ,000 for their ,000 pickup, but not this guy -- using Depression-era logic, he amassed ,000 in small change to put towards the truck, using the logic that banks close down, paper cash burns, but a coin is awfully hard to damage (they did use a check for the rest of the purchase price). Do the math: if he had that ,000 in a savings account -- or even a CD -- he'd have to have saved it for decades before it'd make up for the interest he'd have had to pay on a car loan. Old people, they're smarter than you think, Mr. Used-Your-Credit-Card-Three-Times-Today-Already! Not only that, this guy ran ! himself over with his old pickup last year. If there were ever a real man, this is the guy, right here. (via)

Girlfriend In Porn = BURN!

Dropping in for a trim, an Italian man saw a bit more 'trim' than he expected -- a pornographic photo of his girlfriend hanging on the wall. He demanded the proprietor remove the photo. The proprietor declined, and eventually everything was set on fire. The girlfriend, however, is still a porn star, which is what the boyfriend wanted in the first place...he just didn't want anyone to know about it.

In other amusement, Metro apparently thinks we're all naive:



Since sex sells, this could be used to great advantage for most newspaper websites. Any remotely sexual article requires an "artist's re-creation" -- it'll help us understand the quarterback's sex romp with three prostitutes much, much better.

Bigfoot: REAL!

Bigfoot is real, but he's dead -- two men in Georgia claim to have found a dead sasquatch, and will be announcing their DNA findings on Friday, which will probably be unverifiable, and probably redacted as a hoax...but that's what bigfeet want you to think. They're masters of psyops.

Window Watching

Frosted windows don't work as well as you think. Two amorous employees in the UK took their morning break as an opportunity to get it on...in full view of everyone outside, trusting the semi-obscured windows to be more opaque than they really were. Stamina be damned, the couple took about twenty minutes to go through all the positions they could think of, before a police officer went in to let them know about the audience on the street below. The pair have been suspended from their jobs, pending an investigation of their tomfoolery. A detailed investigation, including videos and photos from many, many angles, we hope.

Marriage and Restraining Orders

Police are called to a wedding brawl (is there anything better?) and start checking people's records. The groom, it seems, had a restraining order against him, which should have prevented him from attending his own wedding. The person who had the restraining order against him? His bride. When you remarry your ex-wife, make sure you've cleared up all the old paperwork, otherwise you'll be in for a wedding day surprise!

Swedish Prime Minister Budwiser Olson

Sweden had once held veto power over stupid children's names, but times, they are a changin': "there is nothing negative about a name like Coca-Cola or McDonald's today. In the 1970s, maybe it was." Um, sorry, Mr. Swedish Tax Commissioner, naming your kid Metallica Bjornsen might sound great today, but...well, no, Metallica Bjornsen doesn't sound good today, I can't even give that benefit of the doubt. At least let your kid grow up with a human name -- don't make your kid a 30-year-old bank teller whose nametag reads, "Metallica".

Knock Knock - Porn Inspector!

A man walks into an adult entertainment establishment, flashes a badge, and says he needs to 'inspect' the porn for underage performers. It's the newest career-path for perverts: Porn Inspector! You earn your wages by trying to persuade a college student with multiple piercings and tattoos that your normal beat as a cop is to wander into pornshoppes and ask for free samples. Wait, did I say wages? I mean jail time. But, hey, it's got 'porn' in the job title,so by definition it must be glamorous and fun. (via)

Naked Girls Running Free

Seems naked girls are wandering off from their packs -- a man in Michigan had a drunk girl show up at his cabin late in the night, wearing nothing at all. It's a good thing a "wolf" didn't find her; we all know what wolves do when a weak, defenseless member of a pack wanders too far away. Luckily, she met an honorable man, willing to help, despite her garage-floor vomiting, and the police took care of her once they tracked her down. She probably doesn't realize just how close her funny news story came to being a tragic story.

Gas Money: Kicked In The Balls

Son and girlfriend ask mom for gas money. Mom gives it to the girlfriend. Responsible people understand: it's gas money, it will get spent on its intended purchase, regardless of who has it. Stupid fucks will miss that important point, and end up with a knee to the balls, and the other locked in the bathroom calling 911. (via)

National Sex Day: 21 August

According to some lame Face-Book thing, August 21st is National Sex Day -- that's after the March 21st National Sex Day failed because of its coincidental sharing of a date with a minor Christian holiday. So, apparently you are supposed to have sex that day, Canada, because you had no other incentive to get laid than a Facebook calendar's recommendation. Enjoy!

Isaac Hayes, 65

Funky R&B king Isaac Hayes has passed away at age 65. Where most 70s soul funk sounds dated and kitschy today, Hayes' stuff stays real all these years later. Found unconscious near a treadmill, he was rushed to the hospital and declared dead shortly after.

On Porn: Men Are Liars

The Independent commentator Tim Lott calls out the guys who lied in an online porn survey: the numbers say less than half, but he's sure it's 100% In answer to his question: Yes, Mr. Lott, you're a monster -- but who says being a monster is bad? Women like a monster once in a while; the hero finishes last when it comes to bedroom events.

Grand Canyon: Kills Canadians

One of the greatest American icons, the Grand Canyon, is taking out its international rage on Canadians. A man from Ontario strayed too close to an edge and fell in, representing the first death of the year, and bringing the percentage of non-American victims of this vicious national treasure to 100%.

UK: Phone Sex, Bondage OK!

A recent survey in the UK says that nearly half of their respondents participate in phone sex, and a larger percentage than ever before are into bondage and spanking, and about a third "pleasure themselves while talking on the computer." Those naughty, naughty Brits! It's the sexy accent, I'm sure. Nobody, not even the British, can resist a British accent on the other end of the phone.

Sex With Benches: Bad

A 41-year-old man in Hong Kong, apparently unable to find any other living creature willing to have sex with him, decided to go the next best thing. He found a park bench, whose seat was riddled with holes, and decided to have sex with it. Swelling occured and, horror of horrors, he got stuck. Rescue teams were dispatched, and the man -- and his sex partner -- were transported to the hospital, where doctors were able to separate the two lovers. A little bit longer, they say, and they would have had to amputate. Sadly, there's no mention of the exact location of the bench, so maybe, just maybe, you're sitting on it right now.....

Pee Bottles On Rise

Truck drivers have, for a long time, peed in a bottle and dropped it alongside the road (much to the chagrin of "Adopt-A-Highway" people and state-employee lawn-mowers). The practice, however, is increasing at an alarming rate. To blame? Driving slower for fuel conservation means longer time between rest stops. They've got to make their delivery on-time, but can't do it as quickly, so stopping to pee isn't going to fly for these schedule-minded drivers. Come on, guys: is it really that had to stop and pee for ten minutes? It's not like your aggressive driving and taste for truck-stop hookers haven't! already given you a bad name...but tossing containers of pee alongside our beautiful roadways? For shame.

Mini Wins Cannonball Run

A Smart mini has won the European Cannonball Run, with an average speed of 100km/h. Their trick? Since their fuel-efficient engine didn't need the drivers to put gas on as often, they'd overtake and pass the faster cars. The faster cars had to run at higher speeds in order to keep up a fast average...which used more fuel and meant more stopping. The Smart car's next stop: the 2009 Gumball Rally. Is there anything environmentalists can't win at?

Hunziker's Best Breasts

Michelle Hunziker, European actress and model, has the best breasts in the universe, according to Bild.De -- and those Germans know a thing or two about hot women.

Mexico Invades U.S. - AGAIN

In yet another incident (the fortieth this year), armed Mexican agents have crossed the US Border and taken a U.S. Border Patrol officer hostage...just for a few minutes, until they realized their error. While it's largely a non-event, the Metro's image and caption depicting the event are priceless.

Noisy Sex: Get Fined

Enjoying yourself a little too much during sex could get you into trouble with the law: residents in an apartment building have reported noise problems for years, and the police have finally done something about it. Her neighbors claim her banging on the walls and screaming are making them lose so much sleep that they've had to take time off work. Vertict: best sex ever, and well worth the money.

Big Breasts: GREAT!

The Times Online takes on the most important topic ever to hit the newswires: Are big breasts always beautiful? The answer: when you take care of them properly and present them aesthetically.

Naked Newswriting

This is what I want to be when I grow up: the guy who writes the news for Naked News. Come on, what could be greater than putting words in the mouth of hot newsy babes? Well, yeah, that. Oh, and that too. Well, despite all the cooler jobs, the Naked News guy is pretty damn cool.

Mrs. McCain Topless

Presidential hopeful John McCain was feeling playful in Sturgis, South Dakota, and suggested his wife participate in the Miss Buffalo Chip contest...a topless beauty contest (aren't most of the female-oriented Sturgis events topless?). Always willing to help out her husband's campaign at the drop of a hat, Mrs McCain leaped onto a table, poured a pitcher of beer down her gossamer white top, gyrated her ass in the face of a nearly-passed-out 290lb biker-slash-marketing-director from Detroit, before Secret Service informed her of Mr. McCain's gaffe.

Stripper Fight!

Two strippers 'got into it' in the dressing room at a gentleman's club. Nobody was arrested, there were no witnesses, and it ended itself; the apparent newsworthiness of the article is the word "stripper".

Yoda's A Daddy

A 111-year-old lizard has done what you'll wish you'll be able to do in a few decades: impregnate someone 2/3 your age (she's 70). "He is now enjoying the company of three females and might breed again next March, Hazley said." Again, stuff you're not going to do, ever, let alone when you're over 100 years old.

Rare Car Not-So-Rare

Unable to own a genuinely rare car, a group of Ford Mustang buyers are suing the carmaker for not artifically limiting the production of a limited edition Mustang. In 2007, only 100 were to ever be produced -- but Ford made 100 more in 2008. Wait...aren't car collectors the ones who can tell the difference between two years' of cars, even if the bodies were the same, by serial numbers and engine stamps? I vote to take these so-called "car collectors" Greasemonkey Identification Cards away. A 'Franklin Mint' version of a car isn't really a collectible car.

Men: Complicated In Bed

In an article written by a woman from the island of Amazonia, where no man has stepped foot and lived in over ten thousand years, a new Kinsey Institute study shows that there's little rhyme or reason about what turns guys on. Good luck, ladies: we're just as hard to predict as you are!

Girlie Mags Cause All Evil

The UK Parliment is doing...something...about telling the world that 'lad mags' (as they're called over there) give men unreasonable expecations about the beauty and sluttiness of women, because all entertainment magazines portray truth and reality, just as Popular Science gives me unreasonable expectations of flying cars and microwave weapons, or Cosmopolitan gives me unreasonable expecations of experiencing 10 hot ways to have oral sex. Oh, and you should check if members of your party write for said magazines first, or else the public will cry hyp! ocracy!

AmAp: Ads Excel

American Apparel: greatest online advertiser today. Their near-softcore banner ads with vaguely-unattractive models has intrigued bloggers for months.