No Big Boobs For Olympics!

Olympics athlete Jana Rawlinson is prepared to do anything to win the gold - including removing her breast implants. I suppose there were some weight or wind resistance issues, any of which could hold her back that fraction of a second difference between the silver and the gold, but smaller boobs, really? I suppose they can get re-installed later, and then she can dangle that gold medal within her massive cleavage.

Gay Calendar!

What, you think you don't need a gay calendar? Up north and across the river in Grand Forks, ND, they've got a civil rights activist named Zack, who has fallen on hard times which has made it difficult for him to protest the conservative religious assholes who want to take freedoms away. So, buy a Zack calendar, and he'll get money from the sale, which will help him get back up on his feet protesting assholes again. Protesting assholes is such a worthy cause that you can deal with a 12-month gay calendar.

New Female Condom!

Hey, ladies: you know that uncomfortable, difficult female condom that's been out for a few years? There's a new and improved version out, just in time for all the World AIDS Day coverage to have sunk in a bit. The news talked a lot about how condom use is still a difficult hurdle, despite the fact that people are more likely to fuck if there's protection. Use condoms, fuck more, everybody's happy, and this new female condom looks like it'll definitely help.

Harvard Porn!

Harvard, the Booger of the ivy league colleges, has announced the return of their university porn magazine. "Diamond" includes not only nude women, but naked pictures of the male founder. If only Hef had introduced this feature to his magazines, Playboy would be a huge media empire today. Anyhow, the digital version is $9, the paper version is $30(?!?) which means that it'll be a collector's edition someday. Stock up now!

Porn = Pedicure!

You ladies think you need to leave the house and spend a hundred bucks to get pampered? Guys have figured out how to do it themselves: taking a timeout for a few minutes of porn and an orgasm is like a day spa wrapped in a few minutes. They repeat what I've been saying for a long time: masturbation is awesome, and is no threat to a sexual relationship. Being an asshole is, so don't be an asshole about masturbating, but if a guy has several orgasms in a day, and some of those include his partner, the world is a better place, even if his nails aren't done and he still has that knot in his back.

Triangles!

Holy shit, my dad was right: cut your sandwiches like triangles, not at a 90 degree angle. My mom used to always cut them across the middle, making two rectangles, while dad did it from corner to corner. Mom always looked at him with pity and distain: how could he do something so wrong? Dammit, woman, he was fucking right. I have new respect for my father - he was rarely in the kitchen, but he sure knew how to cut a sandwich.

Families to Avoid!

Why am I talking about thanksgiving? Because I missed Halloween and the awesome sexy costumes, and I'm spending today wanking in front of the computer, so you get blog posts about today instead. Anyhow, I'm avoiding my family, because they're only fun individually - put them in a room together and it's Advil and crying for everyone. As it should be, if I compare others' stories we're in the middle of the bell curve. TV is, of course, the best reference for how real life works, and Nerve has a list of the family types to avoid. Sure, they're crazy made-up-for-TV families - I mean, come on, eight babies and they haven't killed each other? - but use them at your discretion. By doing like me: watching every one of the families Nerve lists on the Tivo or Hulu and skip the family fun altogether.

Ruin Thanksgiving!

I'm sure you're about to head out the door to drive a couple hours to Grandma's house and see the family. Remind yourself: there's a reason you moved to an inaccessible-but-not-distant town - family sucks. I mean, it doesn't suck as much as someone running over your cat or being paralyzed but completely aware but nobody knows it or getting kicked in the balls, and family is good as long as nobody upsets the apple cart. If you absolutely, positively, must upset the apple cart, Guyism has the tips to get it done quickly and easily. Not that it's too hard to begin with, but efficiency is the way to get yourself home in time to watch football without Screamy Uncle Matt rooting for the wrong team.

Coed Dorms = Vice!

Hey, it turns out that the more that the young sexes spend time together, the more likely they're going to have sex, drink, and otherwise do all the things mom and dad said not to do. My outrage is this: where were co-ed dorms when I was in college?!? Shit, easier access to beer and fucking is what everyone wants. I wish my apartment building was co-ed, because letting the sexes mingle is clearly the problem here.

Safe Sex Bamboozle!

I just like the word "bamboozle" - but one in ten people don't know how to do safe sex right, which primarily means they still believe the bullshit their friends told them when they were twelve. I'd like to blame American abstinence education, but this story comes out of the UK, a godless Socialist country who probable shows porn in their classroom and encourages orgies in children as young as five. I may be guessing, of course, but you can't trust people whose government provides healthcare; I'm sure their country is an economic wasteland. A wasteland full of people bamboozled by condom use.

No Benny Hill Stamp!

Benny Hill was slated to appear on a British postage stamp, but when the powers-that-be sat down to decide who got a stamp honoring TV history, Hill was deemed too naughty. Citizens, however, have been outraged - outraged! - because Hill was such a great part of their culture. I'll admit, the only reason I'm linking to this story is so I can run this picture:


If that's not proof the UK has better television than us in the US, I don't know how else to tell you.

BPA: Penis Killer!

Sure, bisphenol-A makes your water bottles firm and keeps metals from leeching into your canned beans, but it is killing your penis. From the level of hyperbolic fear induced in the first few lines of this article, I can only infer that men who have touched BPA plastic at any point in their lives eventually see their dick shrivel up, fall off, and disappear in a cloud of dust, like some vampiric dildo. Not so, says the article: they checked with a couple hundred people working at a manufacturer in China, who showed a slight higher likelihood of sexual dysfunction when they had significant contact with BPA - and, Jesus, they're working in a Chinese chemical plant, they're lucky their dick hasn't shriveled up and fallen off. They didn't mention that each of these men only had three fingers on each hand, could sense changes in the approaching cosmic winds, and in some cases pooped pure pewter. And those were the lucky ones. BPA in high doses: bad. BPA in your complimentary NPR water bottle: stop worrying, you fucking pansy.

Grow Your Own Penis!

Scientists have finally done something worthwhile: they have figured out how to grow spare penises - functional penises. While transgendered people and people with erectile problems are probably the top recipients of this technology, who's to stop ladyboys from switching from men-with-implants to women-with-specially-grown dicks? What's to stop me from growing, like, twelve extra cocks on various extremities? The possibilities are endless, and the world has become a better place for it. A Brave New World...of penis excess.

Sex Amnesia!

Not the kind of amnesia where you wake up next to somebody and can't remember the night before. Well, sorta. But not because of beer, you drunk. It's a rare event where the act of sex causes amnesia - you, essentially, fuck until you can't remember what day it is. It's all fun and good while it's happening, but for the rest of us our memory comes back; for others, not so much. Not only that, but the article brings up another scary term: "coital headaches." Jesus Christ, it's like your crotch is doing it's best to kill your brain, and that's scary.

Polygamy = Good!

All the people complaining about single moms on welfare should put their money where their mouth is: the government recommends men should up their 'wife quota' and marry some of these unmarried ladies, thus reducing the amount of trouble they cause. It's in Malaysia, so don't worry, Mr. My-Taxes-Are-Mine - that country is largely Islamic and doesn't have the creepiness of Christianity to prevent much-needed help from reaching these unmarried heads of households. It's a simple solution for open-minded countries to offer, but it would so totally make our nation's leaders' heads explode to even wrap their heads around the polygamy/marriage-reform/welfare-moms/illegitimate-children angles.

Where The Virgins At?!!?

A scientist has finally gotten around to validating the film The 40 Year Old Virgin (understandably, low on the list, compared to films like Cheaper By The Dozen II), and they've released their results. Your virgins don't drink much, they're far more likely to be church-goers, are likely to be gay, and they're not in the military nor are they black. In other words, pretty much how you'd expect, but there's one surprising thing: attractiveness doesn't matter. Virgins aren't virgins because nobody wants to have sex with them; they're virgins because they've never gotten around to having sex - much like the movie. Cinema and sociology both win!

Gradeschool Phone Sex!

I love these stories so much: An Orange County school printed up a messload of T-shirts for their 'jog-a-thon', including a made-up phone number as part of the slogan, which they didn't expect anybody to actually dial - And, of course, when a phone number ends up in the news, it's gotta be an sex line. A 'she-male' sex line, no less - the AP leaves the type of sex-line the body, but Fox News put in the headline (she-males are a huger draw for their audience, you know). You might also want to ask, if the number was part of a slogan and nobody was supposed to dial it, how did the one 'parent' know it was a sex line? Reporters never ask the important questions. Despite the faux-pas, there's still a happy ending: the fun run raised $25,000 for activities, and nobody is screaming about being sexually violated by a grade school t-shirt. Still, it is not quite the "happy ending" Fox News viewers are hoping for when they read about she-males.

Restless Vagina Syndrome!

Big Pharma has got men worried about their dick's abilities and makes a ton of money from viagra and enzyte, but now they've got their sights on women: If only they can make women feel bad about sex, they'll make billions! Jesus Christ, now there's going to be spam for women who think their vagina is inefficient? I'm going to have to stop using email all together. If you think this is all an imaginary concern, just look at what's on commercials now: you can get a prescription from your doctor because your fucking eyelashes aren't good enough. And penis concerns were the first thing studied? If Big Pharma had actually ever known a woman, they'd know that with cruel TV commercials they'd have women downing a bowlful of meds daily to control every damn tiny aspect of their life which can be scrutinized. Has anybody ever thought about encouraging men to compliment women once in a while? If they could package that in a pill, they'd fucking end the war of the sexes in an instant.

I Love Feldblum!

President Obama's nominee to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, Chai Feldblum, says homosexual sex is morally good. I know, politicians probably wince at an endorsement from a boob site, but what Obama has here is, finally, someone with their head on straight. Fox News shitheads and the site I linked to above are both right-wingers trying to use this as evidence that she's a bad nominee. What the fuck, conservative assholes? You want somebody appointed to the "equal...opportunity" anything who is discriminatory? That's the most telling thing about the Right, regardless of your views on homosexuality: their Ministry of Peace is a minister of war. Feldblum also crossed that line into directly saying something directly and unequivocally positive about homosexuality; most quotes are couched with a "homosexuality isn't bad", which hints that it's still hovering at the edge of some 'sorta-bad' grey area. I've yet to fuck a man, nor do I have any interest in doing so, but my gay friends and my human-positive view of the world is much improved to know that somebody nominated for a position of equality and fairness is ready to tell the world that gay sex is morally good. The link at the top is the least shit-loaded link I could find, but if you want a good look at why Feldblum is awesome, go here, don't give the conservative assholes any clicks.

'Selfing' Not As Good!

Having a sexual partner is better than doin' it on your own, or so says scientists. Sure, they're studying small creatures that can either reproduce sexually or asexually, but, sometimes, there's a little truth in everything nematodey. They also don't address the fact that, even if you've got a sexual partner, sometimes you do some "selfing" just because you're in the shower, or you're having trouble sleeping, or she's still alsleep and that morning weathergirl is showing a lot of clevage - come on, science, can't you explain that a little bit better, in a roundwormed-related metaphor?

Duck Fucking STD!

"It's all to do with penis size and the complexity of the females' vagina." No fucking shit, sherlock. Oh, wait, we're talking about something else? Something even worse: Bird flu is an STD. All those birds fucking, and people fucking birds, is about to destroy all society as we know it. Scientists so far have only seen it as an STD in ducks - so stop duck fucking, people! Your health depends on it!

PP Sex Ed!

Finally, somebody who knows what they're talking about: Planned Parenthood is teaching sex ed in Cleveland. I can't think of a more appropriate group to make sure the youth of today don't ever, ever become the tight-assed, sexually-repressed, fear-of-intimacy assholes that are protesting PP's involvement in sex ed. "But...liberal brainwashing!" Dude, your incorrect, invalid conservative sex ed is fucking up kids more than anything else - right wingers are doing the brainwashing by trying to teach kids that sex is something that it's not. I fucked women when I was a teenager; a quick poll of conservatives would probably show a high percentage, too. Teach the kids how it's done so they make the right decisions, and they won't regret their horrible sexual experiences like you do, Mr. Right Wing Virginity-Hypocrite.

X-Rays = Child Porn!

New technology which allows airport security to see through clothes has raised some eyebrows, citing privacy concerns and worries from people who don't want swarthy airport security looking at their naughty bits. In fact, child pornography worry-warts are concerned that juveniles rendered naked by modern technology will be abused by the security checkpoints. Don't worry TSA: just have the children fill out 2257 documentation, you'll be fine - being a pornographer puts you in excellent company, what with all the artists, scholars, doctors, and writers shackled with the same tag in the interest of protecting children.

Vampires Are Gay!

There's an interesting theory out there which claims that the current crop of vampire romances are the embodiment of women's desire to have sex with gay men. These vampires are thin, wracked by ennui, and only rarely want to have sex with a woman, and only a woman who can "change him". Sound gay to you? I think it's more along the lines of "women want to sleep with assholes." He's constantly tells you you're just not his type, is way stronger than you, wouldn't blink an eye at killing someone that deserves it, he constantly avoids commitment, doesn't have a job, exudes passive-aggressive hostility covered up by a fake sensitivity, and is way too good looking for the kind of person he is. Yup - vampires aren't gay, they're the kind of assholes women constantly lust after.

Condoms Stop Abortions!

Dude - preventing pregnancy means fewer abortions. What, you mean prohibiting abortions doesn't stop people from conceiving? Inconcievable! Now that the U.S. is finally helping the UN Population Fund, we can use this contraception news to continue to dispute the ongoing conservative right-wing accusation that the UNPF is pro-abortion. Hey, assholes: the more condoms and education, the fewer abortions there are. We all get it, conservatives need laws because they're too retarded to make responsible decisions - but the rest of us the world, when educated and given safe alternatives, are happy to do the right thing.

Porn+Viagra Shop Takes Foodstamps!

Man, I wonder why the stores don't advertise this? People are trading food stamps for Viagra, porn, and booze. Last I checked, vegetables, Hamburger Helper, and Count Chocula were all that foodstamps covered down at the IGA. Foodstamps covering porn and booze must be a SuperWalmart thing; I hope one moves in soon. Sadly, the place in Detroit that found the loophole - which consisted of fraudulently charging more to foodstamp cards than was purchased - has been closed, so you'll have to get your porn and booze in other ways, poor unemployed people of Detroit.

Giant Penis Chit-chat!

Let's say you're a guy with a big penis, and your wife won't shut up about it. Me, I say, "WOOO, LET'S HIRE A SKYWRITER!", but some people are more private about it. Like this guy, who is, for some reason, embarassed that more women know about his huge penis than ever before. Answer: play the "what if your nipples were the topic of discussion" and see how that flies. For the advanced readers in the class, count the number of penii innuendo peppered throughout Prudence's response; I counted eight.

Penis Size Tool!

Measuring one's penis is a difficult task - you're always tempted to include more, like measuring from your asshole to the tip of your dick ("It's 22 inches, really!"), but condom maker TheyFit has decided, fuck you assholes and your messed-up measuring skills, here's a condom ruler. I totally love the fact that the increments are out of logical order - no trying to tell your ladyfriend you're a "J" and having her believe that's much bigger than an "B". They measure circumference, too, which should finally put to bed that "as big around as a Coke can" nonsense. Here's the to-scale printable version - and don't think I don't know you guys can use Photoshop and subtly shrink the image to make your dick look bigger, like those 4-foot-tall women they use in 'giant dick' movies. One last note: I love the creepy Kricfalusiesque dick wizard in the background. He can totally measure my dick anytime he wants.

Masturbation = Fired!

A newspaper editor took a racy step and published an anonymous article about mutual masturbation, one of the finest pasttimes that ever chafed a loving couple. Uh oh: she has resigned due to her frank acceptance of diddling your loved ones. To think a Hearst Corporation newspaper would even approve - well, fuck, it's some shitty college newspaper, and the column in question was written by an anonymous writer named "Lux." They're lucky anybody even reads their paper for something other than sports photos and the classified ads. Still, however, people have pretty much come to expect that a college student, devoid of sexual experience beyond fumbling clumsily in bed, is going to write a sex column with all the fervor and authority of an expert in human sexuality, so they better find a nice replacement, vetted and approved by the powers-that-be, somebody that'll write about sex without getting all sexual about things, that's gross. (Via)

Corpse Penis Touching!

When you work with naked people, you're certainly going to be tempted to touch them with your penis once in a while; it's only natural, especially if they don't complain. The problem is when the naked, compliant people you're touching with your penis are the corpses of your customers. A mortician has been relieved of duties when pictures have surfaced of him touching corpses' naked feet with his dick. Don't fuck with dead feet, it'll go nowhere good.

Sex: Good For You!

The proprietor of Good for Her wants you to know: enjoyable sex is good. Jesus Christ, and all this time I had no idea. Carlyle Jansen started her career by giving dildos to a member of the clergy (admittedly, Rev. MaryAnn Jansen, her sister), and built it into a store and workshop business that extends its services to sex ed programs in schools. That last sentence is so packed full of win that I want to drive to the border to Canada and claim myself a native. Healthy attitudes about sex, from the church to schools to private businesses? My country gave me the impression that this was impossible. Fuck you, America, I want my orgasms to come freely and happily, like in Canada.

Metal Penis Ring = Bad!

An "Urban Search and Rescue" team was dispatched to a hospital for a very unique task: removing a metal ring from an engorged penis. Hey, assholes: if you don't want to get into the newspaper for having the entire fire department paying attention to your dick, don't stick it into something metal. Penises plus metal holes = doesn't come off. Plus, don't be like this guy: he waited two or three freakin' days before he decided his black and dying penis might be a problem. Penises go in warm, soft things, guys, and you won't have this difficulty.

Lobster Help Phone Sex!

I've considered making an icon just for these, because I find switched-line stories so amusing: "Maritime lobster aid phone number connects to sex line" What the what: Lobster aid? "Hello? Help! I'm a wayward lobster, I've gotten myself lost in a large city and there's these rubber bands around my claws, and I think-what? What did you say?...mmmm....how you doin'?" The Lobster aid department reports that there have been no complaints reported. Duh.

Don't Listen To Cosmo!

Yeah, it should be obvious, but The Frisky has issued a customer safety warning on Cosmo's tips for improving your guy's sexual experience. Don't wank him with grapes, don't fuck up his Camaro's hood, don't try and put your legs behind your head, and for fuck's sake keep that ice away from his dick. Simply avoiding Cosmo's advice should be obvious, but back up the analysis a bit: Cosmo is porn for sexually-stunted women; just as you don't watch porn and think real sex can be done that way, don't read Cosmopolitan and think sex is really done that way. It's like Cosmo is a serialized, surrealist exploded erotic post-novel: it is the art of pornographic literature taken to its absurd extremes. And that's why I'm a subscriber.

Porn Clerk: Annoyed!

The porn clerks that I've met fit into two categories: 50-something stoners, guys who couldn't get into piercing school or can't get a job at a tattoo parlor, and strippers/stripper-afficianados. Er, three categories: stoners, tattoo wannabees, strippers, oh, and and lit majors. Shit. Anyhow, Elitist asshole fucks haven't been behind the counter at adult bookstores in my experience, but Caveman Circus has gotten a letter from one. Truer words have never been spoken; I hope to meet this porn shop clerk someday. And kick him in the balls for being such as dick.

Religious = Teen Fucking!

It's the age-old story: two teens fall in love, teens are told not to engage in sexy shenanigans, teens get knocked up. And, yet again, when the "don't get knocked up" police are heavily religious, it happens far, far more often. Abstinence-only education is probably a big part, but take a look at how NIMBY conservatives are - they'd much rather control me and mine, the heathens that we are, than ensure they're doing right by their own, because, of course, their kid is being told not to have sex and they've been Saved, so it can't possibly happen. Good luck with that ignorance, religious conservatives, it's going to give you a lot of teenage mommies and daddies.

Locker Room Syndrome!

While men have been told size doesn't matter (although, see yesterday), they are fine with their penile size when on their own, but when they're in the locker room and can compare, they feel self-conscious about their peckers. Solution? Stop going to locker rooms, men: it only makes you feel bad about yourself. Get fat, go to the bar, remind yourself size doesn't matter, then get laid. Nothing good comes from going to the gym.

Men: Liars!

Apparently, men in a relationship are twice as likely to be liars. Example from the article: "No, your butt doesn't look big in that." Well, fuck, those aren't lies, those are relationship preservers. If guys were twice as honest, marriage itself would cease to exist. I'm not advocating lying, though - just saying what she wants to hear. That's why she asks the fucking questions. Those can't possibly count as lies.

Russians = Whores!

You can tell a lot about a woman by a name: if hers is Mercedes Maxx, yes, probably a stripper. If she has kids, the more of their father's name they share, the more of a whore the mom is. Psychology Today has presented a theory, without a lot of evidence, but it is compelling: having a two-parent family means convincing a father to participate, and the more invested in his kids, the more he participates. Kid shares his last name? More invested. Kids share 3/4 of his name, like Russia? Boy, that guy must really need convincing: his baby momma must really be a slut. (via)

Gameshows Are Like Dates!

Glamour's "Single-Ish" has realized something profound: a good gameshow contestant is like a good significant other. Playful, open, self-aware, authentic, not fake nor contrived. Now we all know why Bob Barker was always surrounded by gorgeous ladies; it wasn't his love of household pets, that's for sure.

French Love Porn!

In a recent study, nearly every Frenchperson admitted to enjoying porn at some point. They're already ahead when it comes to french kissing, french postcards, french toast, and pardoning my french, so it's good to see that they've caught up to the rest of the world in enjoying watching other people fuck. Women are a little behind, 83% versus men's 97%, and interestingly over half watched porn with their partner. The main source of all this French porning? The internet - yay, internet!

Hookers, Tattoos, Beer!

Answer: how to stimulate the economy. Don't spend your money at Wal-Mart, buying cars, or paying bills, that just sends money overseas. Stimulate the economy by supporting those rare entirely-American business just down the street from you: hookers, rummage sales, ballgames, and tattoos. God Bless America!

Men Like Tits!

Dude, I had no idea: when a man meets a woman, he'll check out her tits and ass within the first second of meeting her. The reason? "Men may be looking more often at the breasts because they are simply aesthetically pleasing, regardless of the size." There you have it, ladies: men look at your tits because they are absolutely gorgeous, whether they're big or small; oh, and the article doesn't say anything about it, but a little cleavage is nice. And a thin bra so we can see your nipples through it. Now that's gorgeous.

Jesus Loves Pornographers!

I've got a rather negative view of the modern church - any church - in general, but these guys give me some hope: the guys behind XXXChurch and the Strip Church have a book out and are on the road promoting it. I've always been wary of these guys, but the more I read, the more I like 'em. No, no chance of converting me, but they love people like me anyways, and they're not interested in what I do, but who I am. That's unlike their arch enemy, the Westboro assholes, who would rather destroy the sinner to prove wrong the sin. XXXChurch has it right: be open, accepting, and educational, and you'll attract more flies with honey than vinegar. I think that was in the Bible somewhere.

Obama: Scary!

Next week, President Obama will be parking his rusty van a block away from the playground, with "Free Candy" spraypainted on the side. Even worse: he's going to talk to the children about personal responsibility and achievement. Indoctrination! Brainwashing! Obama appears on TV, and he's going to undo all the hard work done to turn the children of America into conservative assholes! Parents: you have the most influence on raising your children to be assholes, so stop accusing the President of messing that up. Don't worry: your douchebaggery is not lost on the youth of America, Conservative Parents.

French Women: Awesome!

Here it is, in one concise article: the reasons why French woman are the greatest women in the world. Get over the stereotypes of "smelly" and "don't shave" - they've got an attitude about love and sex that makes the neurosis of other Western women sound like damaged goods, but, frankly, modern attitudes are trying to turn American gals into French gals, which is a win-win for everybody involved.

Women Sex Myths!

The Fox SexPert has a list for you: eight myths about women's sexuality. It is, surprisingly, pretty right on: women like sex pretty much as much as men do; they can like a one-night-stand without feeling shame, they fantasize about whoever they feel like, and she could certainly cheat if given the opportunity. And, frankly, knowing and accepting that is a good thing: there's freedom in accepting that you're just as slutty as men, ladies.

Aubrey O'Day: Foot In Mouth!

Remember how, yesterday, Aubrey O'Day was cool for defending masturbation? Turns out, she spent a lot of the rest of the show saying dumb things. Rule 1 of those shows: don't say anything remotely controversial, especially if your boobs mean they don't take you seriously anyway. Poor Aubrey: use this as a learning experience, you've got the beginnings of being a smart, attractive woman, don't let them get you down, even if they spend the next ten years referring to you that babe who loves Hitler's brain.