Sex Doesn't Sell!

According to Canada - and who listens to Canada, really? - a study of box-office numbers shows that sex doesn't result in higher box-office returns. Too much sex and it reduces returns, but that's due to the ratings boards assigning an NC17 versus an R than outright viewer choice. "Independent Vancouver-based researcher Anemone Cerridwen" wonders why there's sex in films at all - but I can say from first-hand experience that there's a lot of shitty, shitty films out there that have made more money because of boobs. Hell, most of the movies I watched during the eighties were because of the chance to see boobs. The only reason a lot of guys watched Fast Times at Rigemont High - a chick flick at its core - is to see Phoebe Cate's tits. Jesus christ, why else would anybody have voluntarily watched Doc Hollywood if not for the gratuitous nudity? The Mr Skin guys are fucking rich because of sex and nudity in films, but I guess it's hard for Canada to understand - so God Bless America!

2010 Calendars!

I've been slowly accumulating links to sexy calendars, but COED magazine has compiled a good list on their own, including hot photos - that Keeley Hazell bubble bath photo gets me riled up, you know - with enough calendars to cover every wall, including your cubicle at work, with a different hottie every month. Here's two more that I got emailed to me, which are artiser: Mishka NYC with photos by Ellen Stagg, and a Eastern European Beauties swimsuit calendar.

Finnair Is The Tits!

Let's say you've flown on Finnair a few times, your airmiles are building up, but you just can't find a reason to use all your miles up. The airline has a solution: cash in your airmiles for a bigger rack. Finnair has made arrangements with the fine medical community of Finland to offer the free "upgrades" after an initial customer-paid consultation. Nobody's taken them up on the offer yet, but soon, soon, those gorgeous jetsetting Finnish babes will be upgraded to Californian standards!

RyanAir Calendar!

I'm a sucker for naughty calendars, and Ryanair is the newest entry. Not much nudity, sadly, although there's some of those hot "she's naked, but her arms are strategically positioned" photos that make Maxim even remotely readable. This is a charity calendar, so get one, help out some kids, and look at sexy stewardesses all year long.

Suck A Bull's Dick!

Over in the UK, they've got something called "Tango", which appears to be the kind of soda assholes drink. They've also got a government group that makes sure ads aren't offensive, and they've shut down one of Tango's recent ad campaigns, because the posters lead drinkers to believe that, if they drink the crap, they'll be induced to suck on a "bull's udder", or, which implies the only thing hanging down between a bull's legs. Whoever thinks that it's a selling point to suggest that bestiality cunnilingus is tied to your product, they should be fired - but, as we all know, they'll just claim the Tango made them do it.

Evony = Porn!

There's something online called "Evony", which I only know through their busty and erection-provoking online ads. Evony has shown their hand by not vetting the exclusivity of their images better: their recent campaign included an image from the cover of a girls-gone-wild-esque DVD. Apparently, this has something to do with SimCastle style online gameplay, but - fuck - sex sells, and they've got gamers all over the internet yammering on about how boobs are an unacceptable way to sell an online game. Fuck that: boobs are never unacceptable when it comes to ads for grown-up products.

Too Much Brook Boob!

Poor Kelly Brook - she was photographed naked, avec pastries, for a promotional poster for the stage performance of Calendar Girls. The top photo is the original, which is more like the stage show - however, those naughty censors decided those buns aren't big enough to avoid stirring ravenous urges of men ogling her cleavage. Never mind the fact that the bready boobs have little red nipples at the ends; all it does is encourage nibbling. Anyhow, all I want to know is: where can I get one of those posters???

Sexy Game Verses!

You know those guys who hold up Bible verses at sporting events? You might want to research their messages better - oh, I'm sure they know exactly what sort of message they're trying to express. And that makes them more awesome than ever. Note the hand-drawn Digg thing.

Sexy Horror Calendar!

It's October, and Halloween is right around the corner, so put two and two together and buy Nerdcore's 2010 nudie horror calendar. Boobs and death: is there anything sexier? Get it here, directly from Nerdcore.

More from this gallery >>

Viagra Spammers = Rich!

Who the fuck actually buys this stuff? Must be a lot of people: spammers make around $32,000 a week selling fake watches, penis pills, and other illegal sundries through spam. Yes, per week: they make as much a day as I earn in about two or three months. Shit, makes you wonder why you punch a clock every day, don't it? Well, that and the possibility of having your ass tossed in jail for preying on the weakness of others, which I guess is a pretty good deterrent to level-headed guys like me. Fuck me and my honorable behavior.

Girls Kissing!

Front magazine, an awesome lad mag, gets promo stuff mailed to them, like any other magazine. Check out the shock and horror on the staff hottie below at a new book they received - and imagine my surprise, when it turns out that it's a real fucking book that you can get at Amazon. It's nice to know that some publishers don't fuck around when it comes to what their readers want. This Front reader would like to see that readhead with her own girl to be kissing, though, but that's not something I can buy at Amazon, sadly:

Bikini Car Wash Champions!

Dude, I'm not a big sports guy, but I totally need to subscribe to Dish Network so I can get ESPN 22, the one that shows things like the Belgian Bikini Car Wash Championship. My Fantasy Bikini Car Wash League was doing really well, but network TV doesn't carry the championships, those bastards. I mean, come on: the phrase "belgian bikini car wash champion" has awesome built into ever word (although "wash" is a little weak - "wrestling would make it better). DJMick has photos, but doesn't say who won. I mean, besides the audience.

Breast Enhancement!

We all know who really benefits from breast enhancement - and this ad for an online dating site makes it crystal clear. My only recommendation: put the glasses on the one on the right, and he'll be smiling even bigger:

Twitter = Porn Central!

I twit from time to time, and I've seen this first-hand: pornographic bots made up a large chunk of the Twitter universe. I block a couple a day, and half the time they're already deleted accounts. The link above is Business Weekly, who is concerned that the porn spam will damage Twitter's business model, which, at the moment, seems to be to give away a lot for free without asking for any money in return - which, on the outside, looks like an iron-clad business model immune to the recession or unemployment figures, but, well, spammers can fuck just about anything up if given enough time.

Burlesque: Not X Rated!

See, that's what this modern conservatism is coming to: provocative now equals pornographic? What the fuck, people? Burlesque struggles with being treated as porn's readheaded stepsister, when in fact they live next door and only kinda know their neighbors but don't visit ever. This I did not know: a burlesque dancer had to sue, because promotional material for her dance course refers to her as a 'porn star' - probably to titillate and sell more - but, well, nobody thought that labelling a non-nude, non-hardcore person a "porn star" would be damaging, apparently.

Savage Love TV!

A new TV show is in the works, based on Dan Savage's sex advice column, Savage Love. Hooray - we can watch a rude gay man tell stupid idiots how to handle their damaged relationships! Oh, wait - I thought Dr. Drew already had a TV show or two. You'd think that doing a TV show about a blog or nonfiction advice program would suck, but, hey, Jules and Julia is doing OK in the theatres. On the other hand - you know where Savage needs a job? The View. He'll kick some ass, take some names, and enjoy the humiliating experience of having Barbara Walters drink him under the table in a competition reminiscent of the Nepal scene in Raiders. Advertisers would fucking go nuts.

MRI Sex!

A scientist, interested in researching the human body during sexual intercourse, put a couple in an MRI machine and filmed them "doing it". When they were done, the stills were assembled into a video, which shows - DAMN - a guy's dick really pushes everything around inside her. So, guys, be careful: you don't know just how much that huge cock of yours is doing to your lover's internal organs. It's kinda gross.

Furverts!

Have you ever really thought about Furries? I mean, not just sports mascots, but the Furries that believe they're really animals and have sex in costume? No, really, have you ever spent days just watching videos online and pictures in message areas and subscribing to furry porn sites and masturba-er, taking notes furiously? Now, you can have it in book form! Furverts is the furry kama sutra of sorts, a picture book of furries in sexual positions. Not only will it let you look at furry sex, it'll be something new for your bookshelf besides all those Dragonlance books from college. Read something new, dork: start with Furverts.

Kiera's Boobs Are Fake!

Kiera Knightley's boobs have garnered attention yet again. Usually somewhat petite and demure, she could (and I believe in Pirates of the Carribean, did) pass for a boy when dressed right. So take a look at these big babies below - "Photoshop!" are the cries of those who pay attention to Knightley's breasts, because they looked at the pixels and have seen a few 'shops in their time. "I've long dreamed of holding those fair bosoms in my hands, and the photo is nothing like my imagination produces!" Certainly, Knightley's breasts do look much bigger than usual, but I haven't seen them naked before, either. The ad doesn't make them all that big, either; under baggy clothes and without a push-up bra, they'd be unnoticeable, too. Here, let me just review that image again, I'll just stare at it a little longer, pondering important things...

Sexercise!

Fitness Magazine would like you to know that some sex positions are better for you than others. Not for pleasure, oh no, but for pumping those glutes and crunking those fubs! It's a slideshow, so prepare for dismissing annoying overlay ads, but you do get ten little line-drawings of fit people having sex. The positions they cover are, pretty much the main positions we all use, so, really, if this were true, there's be a whole lot more physically fit people than there actually are. I'd like to see the bad positions for exercise; maybe we're all doing the fucking that just makes us fat.

Sexlets!

Ladies, when you're flirting with a man and he pops some gum in his mouth, watch out: he may be priming his erection with some viagra-like chewing gum. Well, kinda: they hide behind the "male enhancer" name, like Enzyte Bob, which means it's main ingredient is "placebo". Well, placebo, yohimbue, damaiyana, and ginseng, none of which are probably spelled right her. A cocktail of those three herbs has been touted as herbal sex enhancer for decades (look at the ads in your old Hustlers, guys), which means it must work at least a bit for people to keep buying this crap. At least the gum makes your breath smell better, which is probably the biggest helper to getting laid of anything in the gum.

Topless Ladies With Swords!

Wooo - the hottest babes of Heavy Metal and the Renaissance Faire come together in this website: Topless Ladies With Swords dot com. Fetishists can even get their rocks off, because these ladies are also fuckin' blind. They'll give you your just desserts, they'll tell you where to go, and they won't stand for any shifty behavior - completely by the books, these ladies are. I think, anyhow: their HTML is messed up, so every click goes to The Colbert Report, but I'm sure they'll have it fixed sometime today.

Sleazy IPhone Apps!

As if you don't already look like a total douche for showing off your iPhone apps to anyone who makes eye contact, here's Complex's guide to the sleaziest iPhone applications for you to download and show off to the guys at the office, potential girlfriends, your extended family, et al. That is, sleaziest at the time of publication; I'm sure 25 new bouncy-boob apps have appeared since I started typing this sentence. Anyhow, when you make a piece of electronics that has a touch screen, accelerometer, and vibrates - what else could possibly use all three of those features? I think Apple had this in mind all along. Those horny bastards.

Sex And Science!

Some of those excellent artists from Pixar have decided to release some of their sexual frustration with The Ancient Book of Sex and Science, all done in a retro-modern UPA cartoony style. Naughty, naughty artists! (warning: annoying flash interface)

Hot For Teacher!

CBS News' "CRIMESIDER," or the worst name for an off-brand superhero ever, is musing on the most notorious teacher sex scandals ever. What makes them so notorious? The Hannibal-Lecter-like detail the criminal went through to cover their tracks; the extreme nature of the sexual acts; the enormous number of victims from one vicious teacher? Oh, no, no, no -- it's all about the teacher's fuckability. Note that there's not even any hot guys on the list - guys don't get a pass if they've been fucking 16-year-olds they believe they're in love with - it's an altar to women who'll give a teenager the greatest fantasy known to men: fucking a hot adult who has control over your life. Awesome, CBS News!

Erotic Airways!

Getting into the mile-high club can be tough; overcrowded flights, cramped bathrooms, un-helpful stewardesses - but now, if you can get yourself to Australia, you have an option for getting your wings without all the complications. Erotic Airways is back in the air again, after a economy-related hiatus, giving couples a chance to wiggle their wallaby (is that right?) up in the wild blue yonder.

CNBC: Porn Business!

Set your VCR's everyone: this Wednesday evening, CNBC will premiere a new documentary on everyone's favorite media industry, entitled PORN: Business of Pleasure. The show seems to think that "technology" is destroying pornography, and my guess is they're referring to the internet and its instant, free nudity impacting profits, but when CNBC continually calls the video game platform a "Play Station", they might not be as technology savvy, either. One bright point: it looks like the show is not going to have any dark expose on the poor treatment of women or the spread of disease, both of which are bugaboos meant to grossify an otherwise clean industry; the website even looks like they had a hard time finding any men to talk to - it's even got a segment on how women are taking control of the industry.

Talent!

Ah, Chicago's very own WGN has done well to emphasize their journalistic integrity. Their invited guest came on to discuss Afghan insurgency, illegal immigration, and the housing bubble, but the only clip that made it online was the talent component of the show, in which the Hooter's Girl rode a stool like a juke-joint bull machine while pouring a pitcher of beer. "Kids get free wings on Tuesdays" is the only remotely newsworthy part of the segment, but, well, kids aren't the ones getting anything from the news, so to speak.

Hot Chicks Eating!

New, from the minds of Carl's Jr: Hot Chicks Eating Burgers. Dear god, when you distill hamburger marketing down to its bare essentials, it gets even better. I mean, check out the maid one: french dip, french maid, and a sadness behind her eyes that nobody can love away. Bonus points: I learned of this ad campaign from Diane Sawyer, who devoted more time to these videos than, well, these videos. Aside from the new Hot Chicks campaign, every other ad they reference has been seen here, too. I fear Sawyer is reading my blog for segment ideas. Curse you Diane Sawyer!

Take All Seven Inches!

Ah, Burger King, we know you like square butts, but now you want to shove your big 7-incher into women's faces. Now, I know the internet is rife with 4chan photoshops, but this appears to be real: however, it's an overseas ad, so we Americans will have to find another reason to jack off while waiting in line for your Steakhouse Mushroom & Swiss burger.

4-Hour Erections: None!

"I suppose it's funny to talk about...But it's not funny when it happens to you," is a news quote that applies to nearly every sex story. In this case, however, it talks about Priapism, that surgeon's general warning on Viagra about the perils of a 4-hour erection. The good news is that the doctors interviewed have never had a patient actually come in with an engorged cock due to erectile drugs, but the problem can be caused by a number of other physical problems, and could cause penis damage. So, stop worrying, pill-popping grandpa penis: an excessive erection is the least of the problems Viagara can cause for you - it's just the funniest one.

Porn Star = Billboard!

Let's say, you're a marketer, and you want to get your logo in front of the eyes of people who rarely leave the house, spend all their time staring at a computer screen. How do you get their attention? tattoo your logo on the tits of a porn star. This, my friends, is genius! The company sells virtual currency for online games, which means, that, yes, in terms of visual surfaces, porno tits occupy, like, 45% of the viewer's day, with the other 55% in the game itself anyway. Better than some poor loser's forehead - that just breeds pity and sorrow; porn star boobs make things awesomer.

Drill, Pound...SAND!

Holy fuck, I need to go to Home Depot right now. This two-minute long commercial for various power tools, as demonstrated by bikini-clad, oiled and sweaty babes, really gets my router...routing...or something like that. Turns out, it's just an extremely well done edit of a video for Benny Benassi's Satisfaction. Still, I think I might need to stop down at Home Depot for a few minutes, just to make sure:

Go North, Breast Man!

In a scientific and educational study, British researchers have found that Yorkshire women have the biggest tits. Londoners, however, have the smallest, so when you go you England to get laid (who doesn't?) don't stick in the city: go find a busty rural lass, show her some attention, because the article says "nearly four in ten believe their bigger busts make it harder to find a partner". Over here in the U.S., those same "4 in 10 think that bigger breasts make it STOP STARING AT THEM, MORON".

Janet Jackson's Breast: Still Around!

Wait, this is still an issue? The freakin' Supreme Court was asked to step in over the $550,000 fine for the Jackson/Timberlake wardrobe malfunction. CBS is fighting the FCC fine, pushing through the courts until it showed up at the Supreme Court's doorstep. Supreme Court: not saying anything now, lower courts please reconsider. Pay the fucking fine, CBS: you're not proving anything by being a dick about it. Titillation comes with a price.

Breasts Make TV More Exciting!

The fucking understatement of the century! See, America, this is why Latin television kicks your ass: nobody cares how naughty it is. Sin Senos no hay Paraiso is a hugely popular telanovela, which focuses on girls seducing drug dealers to pay for their breast enhancements, which has so much embedded awesome, I may have to change satellite providers just to get Telemundo. The title even translates to "Without Breasts There is No Paradise" according to Google, which is like calling Daisy of Love "Her Tits Lure Douches". Which, in fact, translates to "Su Tetas Atraen Douches" in Spanish, which sounds like one of those artsy foreign films you only watch for the promise of on-screen nudity.

Bigger Breasts!

Fuck, she can have all my fries if I just get to enjoy the view seen below for a while - and, as a red-blooded American, I can honestly say: those breasts and that accent get her a gold medal. From my penis. It's an ad for a restaurant's new huge double-breast chicken sandwich, so, of course, it is represented by a huge double-something pair of breasts. Billy really earned that marketing degree:

Busted Tees Hotties!

Manofest did the unthinkable: they gallerized the hottest chicks from Busted Tees, one of those 'ironically funny pop-culture reference t-shirts' that mildly annoy me, even though I own a few. The only downside: now it looks like you're looking at a porn gallery of women, so when you're masturbating at the computer, your excuse can't be, "no, baby, I'm just shopping for a t-shirt which includes elements from both vintage Nintendo and 1990s movie catch-phrases."

Mormons: Sexy Calendars Hurt!

All sorts of groups are printing naughty calendars, titillating ways to make money, and people pony up for them. Mormons, however, don't look so kindly on the practice: they have excommunicated Chad Hardy, telling him he can't graduate from Brigham Young University for 'behavior', for photographing a beefcake Mormon calendar with such amusing subjects as "Captain Moroni." Foul, the Mormon church cries, it's bad publicity, you're hurting the church! Er, I think Mormons make enough bad publicity on their own, but it's easy to punish one guy with a business than to challenge splinter sects. While he won't get his degree any time soon, business is booming: media attention to his exommunication has created demand for his calendars.

LINGERIE BOWL SEASON!

Well, not now, but you can start getting your tickets for the opener in September if you'd like to get good seats. The league has ten teams for the '09-'10 season, which means lots of sweaty hotties crashing into each other. Hooray for sports!