Garrison Girls Nude Calendar

It's that time of the year again: calendar time. And, thank the lord, there are lots of women willing to pose nude for a good cause. Today's good-cause-nudists are the Garrison Girls, a bunch of hot British army wives raising money for support for their troops. No word on how you can get one in the US, but if you're a Brit, you can get them online.




More samples via The Sun here.

XKCD and 69

XKCD, a lovely comic known for its humor eclipsing its artistic quality by orders of billions, has tried to explain the numeric basis of sexual positions, using stick figures. Square root of eight, indeed.

Think of Her as Your Mother

Ah, the 1960s, when the sexiness of stewardesses was an expectation, not a sexual-harassment accusation. This creepy ad includes an aforementioned sexy stewardess with a dreamy, "come-hither" look, but with the instruction to Think of her as your mother.. Fuckin' kinky!





The ad reads:

She only wants what's best for you. A cool drink. A good dinner. A soft pillow and a warm blanket. This is not just maternal instinct. It's the result of the longest Stewardess training in the industry. Training in service, not just a beauty course. Service, after all, is what makes professional travellers prefer American. And makes new travellers want to keep on flying with us. So we see that every passenger gets the same professional treatment. That's the American way.

I'd like some of that "professional treatment" from a well-trained Stewardess, if they don't mind -- it is the American way!

Veggietales Porn

Burger King Germany has gone batshit crazy -- they've got a site called "vegcity.de", in which you can roam around a vegetable-inhabited town, cause havoc and mayhem (there's an assassination game?!), and gawk at topless female vegetables:

The beach also has a topless sunbather, but with such access to hot veggie porn as "Wet Vegs" and "Playveg", saggy beach pickle boobs don't stand up as well. There is, however, a BDSM dungeon in one part of town, and an entire Red Light District in another -- slutty, slutty vegetables. It's like the wholesome Veggietales have their own Las Vegas. Apparently, this isn't just a website phenomenon; you can get placemats with the pictures as well. (via)

Banning Penis Improvement

The question is: Want Longer Lasting Sex?, and all I can think is Hells Yeah! A company called Advanced Medical Institute is advertising erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation snake-oil on huge billboards, to make sure that everyone who's ever had, or will have, sex can see them. What's the government's opinion on advertising a product that would give consenting adults more happiness and could relieve a common source of relationship stress in couples? Take the fucker down, sex is offensive. Something has changed in the council, because a few months ago they actually had a brain amongst them: The first [complaint], in February, was dismissed by the ASB on the basis that [the sign]! was "not insensitive" and "the word sex itself was not offensive". No shit, sherlock, but 190 complainers in a community of 18,000 makes a difference. When 1% complain, everybody has to bend over and take it like a man. A man with a limp dick.

Totally Nude, NOT

Strip joints can't be fully nude in Florida, but one strip club's sign seems to ignore that rule. Are there actually any fully-nude dancers? Doesn't seem to matter, they'd get fined for the sign any which way. The club eventually gained their senses and took the sign down without answering the biggest question: dude, were they really totally nude?

Olive Garden: Go Away Porny

Porn star and Playboy girlie Kendra Wilkinson loves Olive Garden and tells everybody exactly why. However, Olive Garden doesn't like the idea of a person with her employment history shilling for their restaurant. I know exactly what they're talking about -- ever since Wilkinson has been blathering on and on about how great OG is, every time I eat there, the place is full of gang-bangers, big-titted whores, and table-dancing strippers. Their business has gone completely to hell, just like when Annie Sprinkle endorsed Mike's Hard Lemonade. Does Olive Garden really believe that the people who take advice from a porn star are going t! o be the ones reached with the "when you're here, you're family" ads? I suppose the people who believe those commercials just don't want a porn star as an Olive Garden cousin.

Tits And Castration: Teamwork!

What is it about breasts and sterilization that makes them go so well together? Bob Barker showed off his hotties and begged to get pets spayed and neutered, and we took it all in. Now, Hooters is teaming up with an animal shelter to get guys to neuter their pets. The Kentucky Humane Society's attempt to advertise is cute -- "Safe Sex? That Just Means She's Declawed" -- and I suppose there's enough men out there compensating f! or their own limitations by owning a manly dog, that there's reason to persuade guys that castrating the dog says nothing about the owner's own sexuality. Really, if you're manly, no dog can change that.

Seattle: Coffee Boobs!

The Puget Sound appears to be overrun with nearly-exposed barista breasts. Recently, Barista's Chicagoland Cafe in Bremerton ran afoul of adult entertainment laws, citing pasties as being too explicit for their coffee-slinging ladies to wear. Chicagoland wasn't the only place you can get an eyeful of latte-splattered pasties: a little north Hot Chicka Latte had Pasties Tuesdays as part of their 'menu' -- which is just down the street from a Cowgirls Espresso, a chain with beautifully unclad theme days -- but both were al! so ordered to cover up more: "Electrical tape is not clothing and it does not cover the entire breast," said a local in May. Well, what you decide is clothing, madame, should not affect how I want my coffee handed to me, thank you very much. If I want young, bouncy breasts frothing my milk, there should be no reason it can't happen.

TV Hates Marriage

Why do they hate breeders? TV shows love risky sex, hate marriage. Because, y'know, they keep broadcasting it even though the unbelievably low ratings on such shows as Gray's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, and Boston Legal should have had them cancelled for their lack of appeal years ago. It's clearly an agenda forced upon the viewer. Has the conservative end of things become so enamoured with themselves that they can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality (or, at the very least, teach their children about it)?

AmAp: Ads Excel

American Apparel: greatest online advertiser today. Their near-softcore banner ads with vaguely-unattractive models has intrigued bloggers for months.

Olympics Cyclist Nude

British cyclist Rebecca Romero, along with Triple jumper Phillips Idowu and swimmer Gregor Tait have been photographed naked, performing their sport, for an advertisement for "a sports drink." You can see the two guys in the article's slideshow, but here you get to see a toned, nude body on a bike:

More Ad Sex, Please!

Violet Blue pulls together a bunch of information about how sex sells in advertising. Not enough, though? I'd like to think that ad execs are pretty good at inducing humans to buy things, so any extra sex has pure entertainment value. Which I do like. So, more sex in ads; I won't be buying more, but I'll be on the couch during commercials more!

Put a Dodge In Your Garage

Back in the seventies, you could get a conversion van tricked out with all kinds of accessories -- including a hot pair of natural tits pressed against the back window. Those dealerships think of everything! See a big version and another view at this Flickr slideshow:

Hot Roller Derby Gals

What's hotter than sexy chicks beating the crap out of each other while wearing short-shorts? A pin-up calendar of roller-derby gals showing off their assets, that's what. You can get your own here, direct from the Memphis Roller Derby.

Tasty Titties

Leave it to Japan to come up with something sexy just for sexy sake -- I can imagine that product development meeting: "OK, you know that lame gunk we can't sell in average packaging, let's pick something different, something...sexy?" "Let's sell it in tit form!" "BRILLIANT!"
via

Wierd Sex-Related Patents

People are awfully imaginative -- how else would things like invisible walking dogs and every imaginable iPod accessory ever come into existence -- so you have to think that people would use that imagination on sex. Everybody likes sex, some people are disappointed in it, so of course people are going to put their noggins to improving things. Kasidie has a list of several of the strangest, from vagina bongs to sex-augmenting tampons. You'll quickly see why your corner sex shop doesn't have these in stock.



via

Spray Her And She Gets Horny

Yeah, we'll get out the jokes about the number of men volunteering to squirt ladies with some of their own personal blend, but they've actually been studying what happens to women when you give them a spritz of testosterone. The study found 261 women with diminished libido, and sprayed them with testosterone for sixteen weeks. They found that the women experienced an increased in 'sexually satisfying events.' Sounds like you can bottle up a horny woman and turn her on with a squirt, eight?


It turns out, the women in the placebo group also had an increase in sexually satisfying events. So, it really doesn't matter what you squirt her with, as long as she believes it'll make her more sexually satisfied. For the best sex ever, here's the steps:

1. Convince gal-pal that the bottle contains sex-enhancer;
2. fill bottle with bacon-scented spray;
3. Enjoy bacon and sex simultaneously.

Man, I'm hard as a steel pipe just thinkin' about it.

Skin Tight

Next in our history of boner-pleasing, cock-teasing album covers comes this selection from Marty Gold called Skin Tight -- the drums, of course, are the reference intended, right? A naked, hot brunette with a tight ass would have nothing to do with the 'skin' in the title, of course.

I will say, however, out of all the sexy album covers I've done so far (aside from Whipped Cream and Other Delights, which is the greatest album ever), Skin Tight is actually a kick ass album; I recommend it if you find a copy.


And, of course, if you happen across a copy, you can excuse yourself by emphasizing how good the music is -- sure, it's the equivalent of saying you buy Playboy for the articles, but, hell, a little white lie never hurt nobody.


I mean, just look at her -- the jacket, sadly, credits neither the photographer nor the model, but I'd wager it was the best photo shoot ever.

Fungtastic!

Folks, let me tell you this, from a marketing standpoint: If you have a business creating and selling unsexy things -- shoe-odor-inserts, dog-poop-picker-uppers, laundry detergent -- and your advertising department says "let's just put huge titties in our ads," you say "HELL, YES!" Nila mushrooms has succeeded where so, so many people have failed: making fungus sexy.


I mean, look at 'em: a mushroom is designed to be sexy to women. But, up until now, a 'fungtastic' woman tends to stop a guy at the 'fung' part, completely disproving the 'tastic' part. My first reaction is to wonder why they went with the clumsy 'fungtastic', when 'fungilicious would be so much better, but the term is already taken. (via)

Naked Woman Picture Gains Popularity On Internet

The Onion takes a step towards the greatness of the original National Lampoon by combining satire with naked women: Naked Woman Picture Gains Popularity On Internet. The go so far as to show The Naked Woman Picture, lest you confuse it with all the other non-naked-woman-pictures you can find online:

Usually, The Onion is known for including friends and family in the articles, but this young lady seems far from Madison, Wisconsin. A bit of zooming in and we can see from whence she hails: Met Art. You know Met Art is an excellent resource when The Onion finds it worthwhile.

Hot Chicks on Crazy German Album Covers

As you've probably noticed, I'm a fan of old album covers. A couple weeks ago, I picked up a wacky-looking German album at a thrift shop, just to see what was recorded on it. Sadly, it was polka music (should I have been so surprised?) However, the back of the album sleeve, with its catalog of other records from Maritim, had enough hot, come-hithery West German babes (along with some artsy nudity) to make the purchase worthwhile:

Coolness Exponential: Frazetta's From Dusk 'Till Dawn

Until now, I didn't think it was possible to combine the utter bad-assed-coolness of Frank Frazetta, Quentin Tarantino, vampires, Juliette Lewis, and George Clooney in one tit-a-licious painting, but here it is:


(via)

The New Fifty Guitars - Disco's Greatest Hits

The lovely lady below was photographed by Don Lee for Springboard/Musicor for the cover of a Snuff-Garrett-free 50 Guitars album that appears to be the group's last release. The music really isn't all that bad -- a bit better than musak, but a bit softer than the disco it hoped to be. What could reflect the sense, feeling, and lust of the Disco era, as embodied by guitar arrangements?An acre of b-cup cleavage from a grumpy/lusty model who doesn't seem to have ever held a guitar before? Aces! That access strip up the middle is for convenience -- flipping up a skirt to access underneath is relatively easy, but when you're trying to get at some gal's tits and her dress has a brazillion little buttons up the center you're delayed in your objectives. With this dress, the instructions are simple: insert thumbs below breasts, lift outward. Excelsior! That one on the right is a half-inch from escaping on its own anyway.

American Apparel's Body Suits

I found myself browsing some blog and was intrigued by some body-hugging clothes in a banner ad. Now, I'm not opposed to clicking an ad when it catches the eye, so I went and had a look. It's American Apparel's website for "one pieces". Now, at first glance I figured it was dance-wear or something for housewives to wear to Curves, but it seems fashion-sense has regressed to the eighties. Proper fashion now means women can wear just spandex and a skirt, thus exposing every curve while causing great delays in the ladies' room.

Not that I have a problem with women's curves -- the website has a hot selection of naturally-shaped models.

Personally, I'd much rather see a little belly through spandex than count every rib -- a little shape on a gal isn't a problem. It's also nice to be honest -- you squeeze an average gal into lingerie that looks great on a leggy 100lb, 5"3" model, and you're asking for trouble. Show that your sexy clothes look good on a less-than-supermodel body, and, well:


HOLY FREAK ON A STICK she's hot. Don't get all mean on the un-perky boobs smooshed in spandex; that's proof you've never touched real breasts in your life. Ladies, stop trying to look all pointy and plastic -- it's not what gets us guys. Round, soft, beckoning, and slutty...that's what gets us up and ready.

Now, for the quasi-porn: Go through any of the body-clinging products, and click the "More views" (or just click on the big picture). A new window will pop up with a series of photos of various models, each looking like the first photo of an amateur softcore porn set.


Oh, she's sexy, and she's wearing clothes -- but not for long! The winner: the upper-right-hand-photo in the thong-unitard set. That ass needs to feel the touch of a strong man.

Update: here's the banner ad:

Ads Targeting My Crotch

Advertising, as always, knows that the warm-spot between a person's legs is the perfect target to get their pocketbook moving. Via Dark Roasted Blend, who has a bunch more, here are the ones that make my crotch all bulgy:

The LA Connection's "Big Hits"

As far as crappy cover bands go, the LA Connection wasn't the best, but they were cheap and enough misled people bought their records to make it profitable. I think this album puts it's assets right there out in front, to help the sale along. If those are it's Big Hits, I'd like to have a "long-playing" time with them. Eh, I'm done with the record-industry euphamisms now.

As far as this lady's "hits", they're really not all that big -- women with large breasts usually don't have that big of a gulf between them unless they're unrestrained and lying on their backs. That tight of a shirt should be pressing a D-cup to the forefront, but, well, these "hits" are about as massive as The La Connection's hits -- the might look good from the outside, properly packaged and marketed, but not quite as impressive once they're slipped out of their cover and played.