Posts Tagged 'Porn'


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Porniest Ever!

It's official: this is the porniest year ever. At least in the movie theater, and at least as long as that writer can remember. Because, if you'll recall, back in 1972 an actual porn movie was the biggest hit in movie theaters. But, who's counting? It's also surprising that there's a lot of movies about porn already, we're just entering a halcyon time where they constitute a larger part of our film-watching experience than before.

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Dirty Liars!

Every god damned one of you is a fucking liar. Only 12% of people admit to watching porn, which obviously it's more like 110%, since the Bible Belt does such a good job of even lying to themselves about their porn use. Just be honest, people, and there won't be such a stigma to it. Literally, like, 100% of men have or are currently watching porn, so 88% are making Baby Jesus cry by lying. Stop making Baby Jesus cry and admit to the huge amount of porn you partake of, and the world will be a better place. See, even fucking kittens love porn:



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Porn At Work!

Some website called 'qumu' (who are apparently scraping the bottom of the barrel for 4-letter .com domains) did a survey of the types of video people watch at work. Now, first of all, if you have enough time to watch video at work, you need to get the fuck back to work you lazy shit and stop watching videos at your desk. Anyhow, Qumu found that it's not just cat videos or Tina Fey's nip-slip: they found that three percent of workers watch porn at their desk. That's one out of every thirty - which makes me wonder what businesses don't have some sort of NetNanny installed on their network. And what fun is watching porn without masturbating? Now you're stuck with a stiffy and you need to answer the phone because Dale in accounting has a question about your expense reports. There's no better way to make your afternoon unhappy than to experience this scenario, and I speak from experience. Wait till you get home to watch porn, work at work, and everything will go much smoother for you.

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Porn Brain!

Porn lovers, there's a problem: your brain is porn-addled. Like anything that causes a dopamine flush, your brain will adapt to prefer that stimulus. May it be cocaine, or porn, or exercise, or skydiving, your brain is messed up on it. Of course, the article makes it sound like porn falls on the cocaine side of the line, but, being a genuine human bodily response to a stimulus that's already built-in, porn is less to blame than the awesomeness of the orgasm. Also, whoever wrote this article seems to think that BDSM and degrading women sexually is something new. My guess is he just found Hustler.com, but never bothered to actually read a Hustler from the 70s. Or any erotic stories from 18th century France. What it comes down to is: if you really, really enjoy something at a carnal level, it's going to modify your dopamine response, which makes your brain look different on a scan, so moderate, people.

Reddit Porn!

Reddit is an excellent community of netizens who share all the varieties the photos of cats and stock-photos with captions you could possibly imagine. However, there's a darker side, one where Redditors Go Wild and people hotlink porn from sites like Red Blooded Thing without crediting the source. OK, Reddit and I have a love-hate relationship. But, if you want to accidentally turn your Reddit account into a free-porn account, here's how you do it.

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Playboy, Maxim The Best!

Don't you just hate when, professional writer's ain't writing good? So does Grammarly, who actually has the word 'grammar' in their name so they must be an authority. They've reviewed a variety of magazines, and ranked the top publications what would make their English teachers proud. In the top 4 for men? Boob-friendly magazines Playboy and Maxim, that's why! There must be a certain kind of linguistic purity that comes from appreciating women's bodies all day long. I'd like to link to Grammarly, but they apparently don't put this stuff on their own site, so while they might know where to put an apostrophe, they sure suck donkey-balls at SEO. Or is it just donkeyballs? I really should go to their website and find out.

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Accidental Porn Star!

There's only so many ways to get into a porn film. Have big tits, have a big dick, have few scruples or plenty of self-confidence, or you could just be this guy and his wife, who ended up as extras in a porn video on their honeymoon. I'm sure few people who can combine the phrase "porn video", "honeymoon", and "wife" can be so G-rated about it, but then not everyone in porn is as lucky as this guy. Apparently, explaining to his wife how he even found the video was harder than anything, as you might expect. Wait - watching porn on an iPad? How bourgeoisie. Watch it for yourself here.

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Sue Apple For Porn!

Some guy has finally found who is to blame for all the nasty, nasty porn on the internet: it's Apple. Specifically, it's Apple's internet-connected devices, which provide access to all that, mmmmm, nasty nasty porn, oooh, that's available on the internet. It's the same reason I sued Ford for my beer-belly, because they made it oh-so-easy to head down to the drive-thru liquor store rather than walking there. The bastards, making me fat and making this dude's dick all chafed. This is what happens when you let corporations run free.

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One Million Liars!

Religious types have called for an online boycott of pornography, and they're calling it the One Million Men Porn Free movement.

I tried, oh, God above, I tried to stand with my fellow man and not look at pornography, but then I realized I wasn't a fucking religious nutcase and got over myself.

As has been proven, over and over, Christians partake in a whole lot of porn. Just in terms of population percentage -- it's not like American is 80% atheist who need to clean up their act. And places where the numbers of loud Christians are highest have the highest porn usage, too. It's obvious that fear of God does little to prevent porn enjoyment.

So, what this whole movement is about is this: you, Christians! Yeah, you guys, wanking to the internet - you're making Jesus sad! So, they've made a public announcement that good Christians should step up and agree to not look at porn.

Um, because if there's one thing good Christians do now is admit that they're watching porn, huh? Why do they think that these one million men are going to not keep doing what they're doing already and just give lip service to giving up on masturbating and porn?

So, keep at it, frustrated religious leaders who fear they've lost control of their follower's penises. No worries; the porn industry has been doing awesome for decades thanks to your follower's poor self control. Getting men to claim they're giving up porn isn't going to help, because they're still doing what they've always done: they tell you the porn is gone, when it's still shoved between the mattress for a little self-abuse when Jesus isn't looking.


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IKEA Porn!

The Tumblr blog JustAnotherIKEACatalog actually does something more than just steal other people's content: they research the furniture in the background of porn videos, and adds an IKEA-style product description over the video. I always wondered what that side-table was during that one CFNM blowjob scene. Now I can buy one for myself! Get to the site soon; apparently IKEA is considering suing.

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Google Glass Porn!

As with any new technology, as soon as porn gets a taste of the tech, it takes off - so you can expect Google Glass to become the standard for facial interfaces because in mere minutes somebody's going to make a Google Glass porn app for the masses. The app company MiKandi is just about ready to release it, even though only other app developers actually have Google Glass, but we all know how horny programmers are. They'll make eleventy-gillion dollars despite only twelve pairs of Google Glass have been sent out. It's that good. Just look how much Megyn Kelly loves it:

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Guccione's Storage Locker!

Barry from Storage Wars must be rolling over in his grave over losing out on this storage unit. Bob Guccione kept all his cool stuff in a storage locker, which apparently includes outtakes from Caligula, enough nude amateurs to choke a horse, and naked photos of Arnold Schwarzenegger. When I've gone to storage unit auctions, they're just full of kids clothes and garbage. Well, and porn, but not Guccione's private stash, which makes everything else pale by comparison.

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Porn: Doesn't Affect Sex!

A study in the Netherlands has discovered that porn doesn't make people have sex. It's almost like people have weird, wild, and kinky sex because they like it and are biologically designed to fuck. All lies: my church told me that people have to be tricked into having sex before marriage. It's so sad that facts have to get in the way of moral outrage. So, all you's out there who are worried that porn is messing you up: don't worry, you're no more messed up than porn-watchers in Amsterdam.

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Grandma's Porn!

Gunaxin reminisces about why porn was so great back in the seventies. If you're me and you've watched Boogie Nights every Saturday morning for the past ten years, you agree that VHS fucked everything up. But, don't forget that sensibilities changed, people started wanting things fast and hard, so porn gave it to them. Plus, look at fucking Ron Jeremy, here. Dude was badass.

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Women of 7-11!

Over at Peek-A-Boob, we learn how 7-Eleven screwed over Playboy magazine - and how Playboy got back at them. Edwin Meese, the blowhard Attorney General who decided that porn was worse than communism, sent out a warning to retailers that they need to stop selling porn - including cheesecake and artsy magazines like Playboy. Playboy sued, but they also put out an offer for 7-Eleven employees to make a little money on the side.

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Porn Collection Stolen!

Tragedy has struck the porn collecting community. Earlie Johnson...wait..really...'Earlie'?...anyway, Mr. Johnson arrived home one day to find his house had been robbed. Electronics and other valuables were missing, but the true tragedy was discovered when Earlie realized over seven thousand dollars of porn had been taken. That value was arrived at when Johnson brought his collection on PBS' Antiques Roadshow, and was given the value by those two creepy twin dudes. Anyhow, Johnson believed himself to be the most prolific collector of porn in all of Michigan, something to be proud of when you're a big black guy named "Johnson". The porn still hasn't turned up, so Earlie will have to just get his porn for free on the internet like the rest of us now.

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Playboy Back To Its Roots!

The Playboy company, after years of trying to fit into TV and internet adult entertainment molds, is turning back to its roots, trimming the fat and looking towards a lifestyle-mag format, which is exactly how the magazine started. Esquire, GQ, and even Maxim have been trying to ride on Playboy's coattails as a men's lifestyle magazine, and by heading back in that directly Playboy is going to have some competition for the audience, but they've got sixty years of experience behind them. They seem to be even looking in the right direction: the article says they have brought in experts to help them find their way in the world of free internet pornography. Playboy was never entirely about the photos; reading it 'for the articles' was always a genuine pleasure of having Playboy, and regaining that aura again will be awesome...if they can do it right.

Ron Jeremy Almost Died!

Glad to hear you're doing better, Ron, but yesterday it looked pretty bleak. Ron Jeremy, king of fucking for a living, had a heart aneurysm, which required some emergency surgery and some time in the ICU. Apparently, fucking thousands of nubile young women does have a negative health impact. We're all sending out best wishes, Mr. Jeremy, hope you get better soon.

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Sexy Sci-Fi!

I really need to update my Netflix queue. IO9 has compiled the greatest sexy sci-fi films ever. All I've seen are Barbarella, Galaxina (which isn't that sexy, unless you count Avery Schreiber's moustache), and Edward Penishands. I initially thought that last one was something my drunken mind had imagined, but it apparently really did exist. It was chosen for viewing by a girl who wanted to sleep with me, but I was too young and naiive to notice, and she was too young and naiive to realize that, if you want to get sexy with someone, Edward Penishands is probably not the best choice.

Vintage Porn Negatives!

eBay seller ladiesonfilm is selling a huge archive of original negatives of porn magazine photography. How he got it, I can only wish I knew, and I'll be rightly pissed if it turns out these are fakes. However, the variety of poses, particularly unappealing and toss-off poses, would lead me to believe that ladiesonfilm fell into a huge archive of a porn photographer's negatives, and is now sharing with the world. Awesome.



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