Posts Tagged 'Audio'


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Mumford and Sons!

Finally - the Grammys were good for something. If I hadn't watched the Grammys tonight, I would not now know of the majesty of Mumford and Sons (see also their website). They're a folk band from the UK, and their banjoist and keyboardist were totally tripping balls during their Grammy performance. They've got that Irish pub sound that I so love, with just a touch of bluegrassy country to shake it up a bit. They are pretty much the only thing counteracting the shit that Lady Antebellum has spewed over the Grammys. I can't fucking stand that "Need You Now" song - it barely counts as music.

White Stripes Breakup!

The White Stripes have broken up. First reaction: I thought they broke up years ago. Second reaction: Aw, who wouldn't be sad about the White Stripes breaking up? Their version of Dolly Parton's Jolene makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. Parton's version carried sadness, but the White Stripe's version seeps outright pain. It's too bad that the only way to listen to Jack White is to buy albums from any of his other three hundred bands that he's touring with right now.

Motorcycle Turntable!

As part of an exhibit dedicated to the Triumph motorcycle, designers took spare parts from the bikes and made new things - like this awesome Triumph turntable:


It's pretty much just an Ariston RD80 transcription turntable with the platter replaced by the brake rotor of a Triumph, which will probably wreck the turntable's motor due to weight and inertia after a while, but, hey, with that kick-ass Triumph thing bolted to the side in such a way as to prevent the cover from closing, it - um, crap, how could somebody take two things like an RD80 and a Triumph and make something that sucks? They could have added some racing stripes to make it sound faster, too.

8-Tracks!

A couple weeks ago, something amazing happened: The 8-track museum opened! Bucks Burnett, who does look vaguely like his cowboyesque name, is not just honoring the history of the 8-track, but he plans on reviving it by issuing new recordings under the on Cloud 8 Records label. Hopefully that means somebody'll start actually making 8-track players again, because I've only got three or four here and I can't part with any of them. That's all we need, though - a bunch of audiophile dicks arguing in message boards about how they can hear the density of the cartridge plastic thanks to their gold cables and high-grade electrical outlets and speaker stands made from the bones of Belgian orphans or some shit like that. The museum, at least, exists within something called a "Dolly Python", in the Dallas area.

1990s Bands!

Today must be bullshit list day - most of the music I listen to is 90s music, which is now, like 15-20 years old. There's kids graduating highschool that are older than the CDs in my truck. Anyhow, here's 19 of the best 90s bands nobody remembers anymore. Well, except for old losers like me. All are pretty much right on, although 311 sucks, MC Hammer sucks (he's 90s?), Counting Crows kinda sucks, but the rest are pretty spot on. I picked up a House of Pain tape cassette at a rummage sale last summer, and it's one of my favorite things in the world these days. That sentence right there is why I didn't read the article ironically, like the hipsters who were looking for something 'new' to glom on to.

Q Best of 2009!

I've been a fan of Q magazine for a while - my British sensibilities must be why I think most of what's on the American charts is crap. Really, I haven't heard most of what's on the Q Magazine top 50 albums of 2009 - I'm old, dammit, I don't have the opportunity to have some cute twenty-something share their iPod with me - but it gives me a place to start listening going forward.

Crappy Covers!

We all knew that Chris Brown's album cover sucked, but who knew there were so many other shitty album covers this year? Not me - and once everybody starts pirating MP3s, there'll be no further need for 'album' covers. I guess DJs will still need something to hang behind their booth from alligator clips, so there will still probably be shitty album covers for a few more years.

Hardcore Girls Video!

I don't know what a "Girls" is, although I think I may have heard their song in some TV show a couple nights ago (the lead singer has a Ween-ish tone), but they've got a new video out called Lust For Life, which includes a lot of hinted nudity. Where's all the real nudity, you ask? in the 'leaked' XXX version. Everyone hints that the XXX version is the real video, but I doubt it; the first one has all the feel of an intentional music video, the second feels like outtakes and the stuff that was cut to avoid nudity. Plus, in the second one, you see a guy singing into another guy's erect penis like a microphone. I can't think of a band that would benefit from that in a video. Besides The Rolling Stones. Or Lady Gaga.

Needle 2 Da Groove!

Dude, this guy is the awesomest dude ever: two turntables and a gramophone. The build-up is what makes this the most beautiful thing on the internet today. Come Mr. DJ, song pon de replay in-fucking-deed!

Ozzy Fucks Sharon!

If you've ever wanted to hear Ozzy describing a sexual encounter with Sharon Osbourne, his new book does so. "I end up pumping away on top of Sharon like a road drill all night, with nothing happening" Holy shit, that sentence made me cum like a racehorse. Imagine the horror and disappointment of the black-clad metal-emo teens who buy the book, against their parents' objections, only to hear about Ozzy's erectile dysfunction. Kids gotta grow up sometime.

Hot Lame Tunes!

People are always coming out with lists of music that'll put women into a make-out mood, but they're never that honest about how much make-out music sucks. Until these guys, of course, who have compiled the five top musicians who suck donkey dick, but also make women's panties wet. The reason each of those are popular musicians, however, is because they don't completely suck: Van Morrison with the Chieftans is an excellent album, Timberlake is actually a bit of a force to reckon with in the media these days, and Jimmy Buffett will always remind you of that time you make out with that pothead chick with the dreadlocks which didn't turn out to be as much fun as you thought after the contact high wore off. I suppose it depends on the kind of woman you're attracting: this list seems to focus on college sluts, or free-wheeling cougars; give me Tom Waits and Tom Jones and The Cure, and I'll show you some freaky english majors opening their legs at supersonic speeds.

Sexiest Album Covers!

You know I like the sexy old album covers, but somebody has pulled together the sexiest album covers from modern times. I knew about the Amorica Hustler cover and the Ween underboob cover, but, damn, that Sugar Ray cover is definitely #1. They are missing, however, the "flaming head nude women" from Jane's Addiction's Nothing's Shocking. If masturbating to women's heads on fire is wrong, I'm not sure I want to be right.

Dolly Rockers?

Eh, I spent a few minutes watching their video, and I'd fuck 'em if I had a chance, which makes them link-worthy. Sure, they can't sing for shit, and can't dance for shit, but they chant in a sorts sexy way and they stick their ass out seductively, so that goes quite a ways in pop music. Apparently, they're British (hence the unintelligible accent during the non-singing), which gives them sexy points in and of itself. So, my vote: sexy. And that's about it.

Gobstopper Death Metal!

When hosting a hardcore speed-metal concert, you should know one thing: do not sell projectiles at the concert. The band Cradle of Filth was tragically taken out by a volley of Everlasting Gobstoppers, a hugely solid piece of candy the size of a "cricket ball", whatever the fuck that is. The lead singer said: "I actually thought one of the balls thrown was an apple and was going to head-butt it as it flew past my head..." Sadly, he didn't hit it, thus preventing the world from seeing what would have been the awesomest YouTube video ever. One band member was hit in the back, but was inspected for damaged and released to rock again.

Gaga Tits Afire!

Holy crap, this is so awesome. I totally want Gracie using one of these in the bedroom. Just looking at this one picture, fuck, I came twice. Ohshi-three times, now. This is awesome wrapped in a Harley tied around a timberwolf and garnished with bratwurst:

Dude Music Only!

Check your iPod, guys, and prepare with the delete key: here we have the definitive list of music no guy should have on his MP3 player. Note that it isn't just a 'chick song' thing: their target is also lame hipsters. Your so-called irony of downloading "We Built This City" by Starship is unacceptable - unacceptable! I do have a few exceptions, though: Macy Gray kicks too much ass to issue a blanket ban.

Sausage Index!

The Gauntlet, a poorly-designed website of crappy band information, has added something new to further muddle their site up: the Sausage Index. In MY mind, that should be at the fucking top of the page, because it's actually useful: it, using years of data, identifies the average gender and sexual preference of concert goers. So, if you want to go to a metal concert in the interest of meeting a hot chick of similar musical tastes, you'll be able to pick between England Dan and John Ford Coley or Seals and Crofts based on gender composition of audience. They even start with the top of the list: Slipknot, because straight babes dominate their audience - just make sure you bring something to clean all that goth off your back seat when she's done with you.

Accent = Hilarious!

Noah Gallagher of Oasis recently experienced an interview in which he was accused of spending a lot of time with a "sex turkey." Now, I know I beat the shit out of someone who claimed to have seen me fucking a sex turkey (it was a sex guinea fowl, you fuck), but Gallagher has more tolerant sensibilities than me, and recognized it must have been misheard. Turns out, the interviewer was doing their best to say the name "Zak Starkey" - admit it, say it out loud in a sexy Brazilian accent, it does sound like "sex turkey" - which only means one thing: Noah Gallagher is fucking Zak Starkey. Don't believe me? It's right there in Gallagher's blog. (via)

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