Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'


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Sex Driving!

It turns out that 11% of people admit to having sex while driving. Most of that sounds like basic fooling around, but this couple must've been doing something awfully distracting since they were cuising at 55mph, turned down a dead-end dirt road, and went airborne for 30 feet over a canal, all while half naked and canoodling in the driver's seat. Man, if texting while driving is bad, this is so much worse -- they need to put up PSA billboards to discourage sexdriving now, too!

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Slut Math!

Slut shaming misses the math: slut shaming makes for less sex partners. This has been my mantra about the whole "women are pure, men can sleep around" - sex requires at least one woman, and one man. You can't get around that math. So, if half of all women are "sluts", that means each one has to have slept with two guys. Half women too much? OK, one out of every four fucks four guys. One out of every four is a lot: you've got two grandmas, that means odds are one of them is a slut, and that makes Baby Jesus cry. To get the odds down to a huge majority of women being non-sluts, but guys still getting a lot of sex, means that each slut is servicing hundreds, if not thousands of guys. They're fucking a different guy every single night of the week - morning noon and night, even! These noble women are ensuring that guys get as much sex as they want, while preserving the honor of all other women. Heroes, they are.

But, go back to Monday's post: 91% of women have premarital sex. Dude, sluts aren't the problem - skipping statistics class is.


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Premarital Sex Normal!

Anyone who has actually thought about history knows this to be true, but I only recently found this study: premarital sex is normal. Ranging from between 75% to 91% -- 91% of women, that is -- have premarital sex.

So, let's look at this from an outsider perspective: back in the 1950s -- before Roe vs Wade, before the Pill, before online condom ordering -- people were having sex without being married. Look at old newspapers from the 19th century, all the stories of women whose dignity was 'sullied' by a man who didn't go through with the marriage...if people weren't doing it left and right, why would people have even imagined passing laws about cohabitation and sex outside of marriage?

The truth is, society has been doing just fine with everyone fucking all the time, married or not married. The democratic republic we're living in today was established by people who fucked each other when they barely knew what they were doing. Trying to pass laws that contradict the natural order of things has no effect.

Well, they do have an affect: they make people feel like shit for doing what their parents, and their parents' parents, and their great-great-great-etc grandparents did. OK, maybe grandma was one of that 9% that didn't fuck before marriage, but it can't be all of them.

So, before you get all "there's too much premarital sex, let's spread abstinence only!" get some fucking perspective: there has always been premarital sex, and the world has never fallen apart because of it. Focus on making sex safe and supported, and then maybe the world will be a little bit better of a place.


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Teens Invent Sex!

This just in: sex has been invented by the latest generation of humans. Until now, humans have reproduced via an asexual method of procreation which existed only in darkened rooms and did not require the participation of even the human releasing their reproductive spores. In this landmark event, "Millenials" have decided that young humans are actually quite equipped to have sexual encounters with whoever they feel like, when they want, but are discovering they are only moderately prepared for the emotional fortitude required to do it in a healthy way. This revelation has stunned - stunned - older generations, who never had sex their entire lives, and are certain there was never anything fun about sex. More on this breaking story as it transpires.

In all seriousness, though, when hasn't there been a shocking - shocking - look at the sexual habits of freshly-minted adults? Just consider every True Stories, Men's Adventure, Skin Mag, and CosmoWannabe from the past hundred years. Salacious views of "the changing landscape of sexuality" has been selling magazines for years, when, really, it comes down to an interesting fringe comprised of a social movement with hedonistic undertones ("hookup culture" versus "free love" versus "flappers") stoking the fears and jealousy of those not involved, while everyone else is pretty much just having sex whenever it becomes available. And so it goes, humanity.


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Do It For Denmark!

Spies Travel is planning on getting two birds with one stone: Solve Denmark's deceasing birthrate by fucking in France! Or Germany, or Greece, or Poland, I'm sure the travel agency isn't too picky where you want to buy tickets to, as long as you go there and fuck your brains out. For the good of the nation, of course.

Faking It!

Don't worry, women, faking it is just fine: according to a new study, faking orgasms is all part of the fun. It can improve the sex experience for both partners. The process is measured by the Faking Orgasm Scale, because if there's anything that needs to be quantitated and analyzed, it's an orgasm...or at least the features of pretending to orgasm. See, now they're just making it more complicated, and who can orgasm like that?



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CPAC Nookie!

Wherever Conservatives go, everyone's surprised by the amount of sex that follows. Sure, Liberals probably fuck the locals just as much, but they're at least happy to admit it. Conservatives hate any sort of just-for-fun sex -- when speaking to the public -- so there's a certain amount of schadenfreude in reading their non-sexy and barely poetic attempts to get laid via Craigslist. Can't you guys just masturbate to pictures of women being turned away from abortion clinics or kids going hungry? We all know what turns you on: you'll be much happier if you just admit it to the world.

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3nder!

Move over Grindr, Tinder, Tumblr, and Flickr: there's a new way to figure out where to stick your penis! It's called 3nder, presumably pronounced 'thrrrndr', and it's designed to facilitate having threesomes. They're just building buzz at the moment - you can't download the app just yet - but when it does I'm sure it's going to make finding threesomes much easier than putting ads in Craigslist. This is just another step in the whole niche dating environment that's so hot right now, full of startups connecting unicorns with other unicorns, that simultaneously sound dumb but immediately the feeling changes to "damn, I wish I thought of that..."

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Kevin Hart Sexts!

Comedian Kevin Hart thinks he knows how to sext. Be blunt, but then back down immediately when asked about it. And if there's one thing women love it's when a man starts out strong but immediately acts like he was pretending, that's totally a turn-on, right ladies?

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Enjoy Blowjobs!

Ladies, do you find giving a blowjob boring, ineffective, and unpleasant? Here's how to turn that around. Blowjob expert Joanna Van Vleck can show you how to give a blowjob that is better for you than him. Apparently, part of the process is called Orgasmic Meditation, where one person "gently strokes the other partner's clitoris for 15 minutes." Jesus Christ, if I stroked any woman's clitoris for fifteen minutes, I'm pretty sure she'd be pretty worked up by the time the egg-timer dinged. Cosmo, surprisingly, wasn't overly positive about it, but sucking cock isn't for everyone I guess.

Nerd Stress!

A study of IT professionals in India has discovered something naughty: the high-stress world of IT professionals causes risky sex. High levels of technical and financial stress make tech geeks 6x more likely to pay for sex, and 2x more likely to not use a condom during sex. Wait -- nerds are having sex now? Of course they have to pay for it more than the average person, if 1980s screwball comedies have told me anything it's that the thick-glasses, buck-toothed computer kids never get the girl. You'd think they'd be smart enough to know that condoms are better, though, unless they're so stressed that they're praying for the sweet, sweet release of syphilitic death. Maybe they're still having the condom size problem in India, who knows. As long as they continue to pronounce my name wrong when they call me "Mr. Dufaowall" eighty times during each call, I can sympathize with why they're so stressed.

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Bucket List!

Ah, Mommy Blogs, some of the most frustratingly arousing websites out there. So adventurous and naiive at the same time, like dating the Amish. Here's a bucket-list from one of them -- remember, this is a "difficult things to do before you die" list -- but it, really, sounds like a fun weekend to-do list. "Masturbate"? "Married sex"? If you make it to your deathbed without having done either of those, then you've really, really tried hard to avoid them. All I can hope is that one of those Mommybloggers crosses off all 50 by the time she's 24, and then starts really thinking about the unobtainable sexual pleasure she's really missing out on, and then things will get interesting. Like a bucket list entry that actually requires a bucket to accomplish.

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Penis Beaker!

Towels by the bed, sure. Condoms and lube in the drawer, fine. But some lady has a beaker of water for penis-cleaning nearby, and a parenting blog loses its shit. OK, fine, if that's the craziest sex thing people have in their room, whatever, but those disposable butt wipes are fucking perfect for this. Pour out your gross penis-water, wipe up hygenically.

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Sex Equals Money!

More proof that sex makes everything awesome: people who have sex four times a week make more money. Sorry, it's not as effective as "fuck bitches get money", because what's really happening is that people who get laid regularly are happier, more satisfied, and all around better people than the undersexed competitors in the workplace, and all that positivity only means bigger raises. If you don't believe me, just try it out a while -- because, really, once you're having sex four times a week, you won't be quite so worried about your paycheck if it doesn't work out the way you expected.

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Sex Makes You Younger!

It's official: lovemaking adds years to your life. Having sex regularly makes you look five to seven years younger, which makes self-conscious thirtysomethings feel better about those gray hairs and little wrinkles. What they don't realize is you have to keep it going, and if they're uncomfortable with old people sex then they'll creep themselves out. There's nothing wrong with old people sex; it's no wonder people are living longer, what with the added access to condoms, viagra, and dildos. It's almost like the sexual revolution caused old people, and it's downright glorious.

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Bands Are Sexy!

As a psychological experiment, a team of researchers sent a sexy guy out into public to pick up girls, first carrying nothing, then carrying a dufflebag, then carrying a guitar. To the surprise of no Jukebox Heroes whatsoever, the guitar guy got more digits than anyone else. That's why I carry my lunch in a guitar case. You never know when someone sexy might be judging you for what you're carrying.

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Buddhists Get Laid!

Who has the most premarital sex? Buddhists and 'other', do, much to nobody's surprise. The twist is this says "most likely to report", which means the degree to which there is a stigma of talking about it, and not about the actual fucking. Keep in mind, "buddhist" and "other" are what young college kids to do rebel, and generally have religious aspects of fucking and less barrier to premarital boots-knocking, which reduces the surprise about "none" and "missing" - the stigma isn't purely a religious one, it's about the society you're in, so if you can comfortably claim buddhist so you can fuck the hippie chicks in your Anthropology classes, hey, good for you, man, the stigma is less over there.

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Housekeeping Dudes Suck!

This is bullshit, I tell you what. A new study says that men who do household chores and cook get laid less. Ladies, isn't this something you've been telling us will get us laid more? It has to be one big conspiracy - women convince us vacuuming will get us into their pussy, then don't put out. God dammit. Anyhow, men, that's no reason to stop helping with the chores: if you're going to be an asshole around the house, you might end up alone, doing all the housework and sex entirely by yourself.

Sex Thoughts!

Ever been having sex, and wonder what a baby would think? No? Too fucking bad, here's a chart that explains it all. Plus, in the interest of humor, the guy and the girl are both apparently virgins and/or are retarded, since they do sexing so horribly, horribly bad, which doesn't explain where the baby came from, maybe the dog brought it home from the park or something, I don't know. It's at least worth a mild chuckle when your expectations are lowered a bit, so there you go.

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Missed Connection Map!

Somebody has put together some statistics porn and mapped out the most common places Craigslist "Missed Connections" happen. It should be no surprise that the Bible Belt is dominated by Wal-Mart missed connections - what else fun is there to do there, especially since, generally, you can buy both liquor and guns at them, and aside from church where else do you go? Same goes for Utah: they go to college to find a mate, anywhere else is off-limits for romantic interests. Wisconsin, of course, is 'bar', because if you've ever driven through Milwaukee or Madison, it's gas station...bar... video rental place... bar... tax preparer... bar... Hey, that actually sounds alright, better than Utah anyway, and at least it's not any of these places.



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Bang With Friends!

You may have decided that buying a fake Facebook girlfriend was just too weird, so here's a much more productive Facebook app: Bang with Friends is a Facebook app for finding casual sex in your friend-list. Sadly, everyone in my friend list is either somebody I don't really know, or is really somebody I'm not that interested in fucking. But, I'm also not a college student who gets automatically friended by everyone because I'm in their email list or because they need to get my Algebra homework. In that case, Bang with Friends is a toy for hooking up with people you're probably already hooking up with, which ain't that bad of a place to be in life.

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Condom Sex: Just as Good!

I've been saying it for years, and now there's a study proving it: sex with a condom is just as satisfying. I've known this for years, because of this logical process: the options generally are "have sex with a condom" or "don't have sex at all". Which one sounds more satisfying, men? The reason that this is a debate is that men and women have included a secondary option, "just have sex anyways without a condom", which does nobody any good, especially people who really should be using condoms anyway. I've had more than one woman who I dated when I was younger who seemed embarrassed and/or ready for an argument when the subject of a condom came up. They were quite relieved that I had no complaint, but I got to fuck, she got to fuck, and everyone was happy. What kind of asshole starts an argument with a women who wants him to stick his dick in her? An asshole, that's who. So, take the article to heart, people: condoms are awesome, because they let you fuck, and stop acting like going bareback is an option in the kind of situation where either person thinks a condom sounds like a good idea. Just wrap it and get on with the fucking, it's all good.

Throuple!

OK, I must either be blocking out the stupidity, or this has finally gotten mainstream enough. Apparently, "Throuples" are where three people date and maybe fuck. For those of us over 22, this was called "stupid college relationships", because when you're twenty and horny you can't help but either fuck a friend's girlfriend, or a friend's boyfriend, or a girlfriend's friend. Eventually, somebody gets pissed, even if it feels naughty and alternative at the time. The Throuple apparently gives the "winner" in the threesome an excuse when one of the others feels left out - because, hey, you knew it was a throuple when we got together, baby. Now, I'm putting this in a different category than polyamory, like everyone else does, because poly relationships don't have a stupid name and have some weight behind it. Throuples are people messing around with more than one person at a time, and that's just juvenile fun. Once you've found a unicorn, then come back and talk about your poly relationship.

Fetish Taxonomy!

Scientists have devoted their lives to cataloging everything from animals to elements, and thank GOD somebody has finally decided to devote the efforts of an army of unpaid grad students to developing the Chart of Known Fetishes. Sure, Rule 34 exists to tell us there's always porn, and ten minutes at 4Chan proves the corrollary. But, maybe you need your mind expanded, so go look at the rather unsexy diagram and see if anything makes your naughty bits waggle just a little: you've discovered a new fetish!

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