Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'


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Bad Economy = Anything Goes

As a way of turning around this economic doldrum, a naughty resort in Australia is hosting an all-nude, anything goes month-long party next March. Remember, down-under that's towards end of their summer, so bring plenty of sunscreen, condoms, and be prepared to catch herpes!

Church: Fuck Often!

A pastor from Texas is recommending his parish have sex every single night. Marriage between a man and woman, divorce rates high, yadda yadda yadda - he doesn't quite realize that the church's messed-up morals have already damaged his congregation to the point where they're not having sex nightly, so let's force 'em into possible conflict by recommending they do it whether they want to or not. It's a good thing that most of his congregation probably do whatever the hell they want anyway, regardless of the church's position on it.

Foreplay: Overrated!

Guys everywhere are cheering in the streets, lighting cop cars on fire, drinking way too much, because the truth is out: foreplay is overrated, and doesn't have anything to do with orgasms! The link between orgasm frequency and foreplay was determined to be insignificant, which means that...well...it means that one possible reason for foreplay is ruled out. Don't go refusing to cuddle first, guys: maybe she just likes all the cuddling before hand. Did you ever think of that? Women. With all their wanting and doesn't matters and needs and shit, it's no wonder we riot.

Say 'I Love You' = Sex?

People try all sorts of things to get laid, and almost 60% of men have said "I love you" to get laid. Dammit, they don't say how successful it is! That, buying lingerie, slutty emails - the article says most people have tried those methods of getting in a girl's panties, but they don't test the success rates of any of them. Fucking stupid survey.

Post-Election Sex?

Gracie & I had some - what the hell? So did everybody else. via.

Women: No Sex, That's OK

40% of women have a low sex drive, and every article on it leads in with the "but it doesn't bother them," while inside the article it says only 12% of those with a low sex drive aren't bothered. If you're a fan of math, that makes about 5% of all women surveyed leaning asexual, which fits with the usual worldview; those other 1/3 of women experiencing a low sex drive but wanting to have sex, well, they've got something to worry about.

Correlation, Causation!

TV is getting your teenaged daughters knocked up! Or, rather, knocked up teens see more sex on TV, which has absolutely nothing to do with the permissiveness or involvement of their parents, I'm sure. They seem to create a cause where it's parallel involvement; if kids get to watch 3 hours of TV a day (3?! I got an hour of TV, if I was lucky, and I got laid on a regular basis), and they get to see permissiveness on the screen, and their parent exhibit permissiveness in approving or ignoring the shows, that probably goes much further than Grey's Anatomy's naughtiness. The report even says innuendo can cause early sexual activity, so if your kid is knocked up, you can blame The Office's "That's! what she said" running jokes. Ooooh, that Steve Carrell, undoing years of parental influence!

Fat Chicks Do The Nasty

Chubby chasers, have faith - overweight women are just as sexually active as anybody else. Wear a raincoat, though: overweight women are at higher risk for unintended pregnancy. As far as risks go, it's not much worse than sleeping with any old skinny skank you might meet at the bars, but it sure keeps your options open.

Young Wives: Sluts!

Well, it's young wives and old men, hopefully not together (well, I guess that'd be OK: old guys gotta have fun somehow). While the overall scale of infidelity is pretty stable, the ends of the bell curve are turned upwards. infidelity in young couples and old couples have jumped quite a bit. And what's causing it? "increasing availability of pornography on the Internet...may be playing a role in rising infidelity." BASTARDS! That little bit of information isn't supported by any doctor's statements (unlike other quotes in the article), and it doesn't really say how it translates to adultery other than adjusting 'normal' sexual expectations. That should have an ! increase in BDSM, not adultery, because adultery is relatively normal according to other quotes in the article. Tara Parker-Pope of the New York Times, what makes you so anti-porn?

Evangelicals: Sluts

Evangelical teens are among the loudest to decry sex before marriage, and claim that they won't find it pleasurable, but - who knew? - evangelicals tend to be quite sexually active, with girls losing virginity around 16. The article has a good description of the differences between conservative and liberal sex: Liberals say, "have fun, be safe, don't get pregnant"; conservatives say, "don't do it at all, but when you screw up, don't worry, we take care of our own." The pairing that appears to work best would be a cross-lines pairing: the liberal will make sure things are done safe, and the conservative will be the one who's ready to hop into bed at the drop of a hat. Everybody wins!

Sex At Work: 20%

One in five British subjects fucks somebody else at work, in the literal sense. Now, when looking at the math, you can't really have one in five having sex, so it's better said to be two out of ten. Next time there's a company meeting or an employee birthday cake, survey your surroundings: if you haven't had workplace sex, pick 9 other people, and you can assume at least two of 'em have bumped uglies on the conference room table. Know what this means? You're missing out, loser.

Marriage = Hot Sex?

According to a Church of England website, you get the most poon in your life when you're married. Well, I suspect they mean with your wife, which may be the equivalent of trading in the high-priced candy store for a lifetime supply of Twizzlers. Not that Twizzlers are bad, mind you, but sometimes everyone needs to taste some European dark chocolate. Anyhow, we all know that clergy of any church are high on most people's "gettin' laid the most" list, so they seem to be a trusted source. If they're not making stuff up, take it ! as a sign for your faith: the Church of England promises to get you laid more than any other church.

Gay Sibling = Sluts!

There appears to be a correlation between being gay and having slutty siblings, according to new research. The more sexual partners a person had, the more likely to have a gay sibling. The numbers guy in me then wonders if the problem is not frequency, but how vocal they are - people who view sex as less vital to their life will have fewer partners but also be more likely to still be closeted. Any which way, if you've got a gay friend, make sure they have a hot sister - it'll pay off, because the science says so.

Hitler: Sexiest Motherfucker

British women find the Germans the sexiest men ever. British women are so hot for guys with a powerful "third reich" that she's ready take a direct hit from herr sexalot's massive, throbbing V2 in her tight, cramped bomb shelter and experience a blitzkreig...wait, what, too soon?

Porn: You Hate Your Gal

The Times Online has a list for guys to pay attention to: "Ten things to know before you watch porn with your girlfriend." Well, I'd have expected #1 to be, "the girlfriend is fine, but don't let your wife find out about her!", but that'd be a juvenile reaction to the assumption that married people wouldn't expect to watch porn together. Or, for that matter, the assumption that married people would be confused about how to broach the subject with their partner. To that problem, the answer is: "the woman is a self-conscious, hostile, porn-hating woman, so try and minimise her discomfort." If that's the case, you may not want to jump into watching porn with her, much like how an ass-! averse gal shouldn't have a dick shoved in her pooper without some prior planning. If you're missing comfort and cooperation in your love life, get that set first. Then you can rent Fisting Squirters 57. Aw, hell, rent it anyway, but don't tell her about it; it's worth the money.

Sex = Hassle, Death

An obviously brain-damaged and insane woman says that sex is too much trouble. Londoner Clara Meadmore blames celibacy for her extended life: her horrible, horrible sexless life. At 105, I'd have to say she's had plenty of time to think about it, so I don't know where this comes from. I admit, I'm speaking from my own point of view; I can't get into an asexual headspace, so if I had to live a century without any sweet, sweet loving, I'd have ended it long before.

Non-Bar Girlie Markets

Want to meet a gal, but aren't a big enough of a souse to do it in a bar? Asylum magazine has the answers for you. Least likely: Nail salon. If there's anything that commercials for The Mentalist have taught me, it's that toenail care equals the gay.

Stanford: Get Laid

If you want to get laid, go find the sleaziest college you can. If you want to get laid safely and without your dick falling off, Stanford is the place to go. The college's support of the student body by making prophylactics, contraception, and STD testing more accessible than their counterparts, means you might have less risky sex if you track down one of those nerdy Stanford gals.

Horny Goat Weed

For those of you who don't have as amazing a penis as I have, you might need a little help. The newest snake-oil is called "horny goat weed", because all three of those words are exactly what a guy wants to associate with his dick. Me, I got my "horny goat weed"...in my pants!

Dyed Hair = Slutty Women

Men, look for natural roots peeking through: women who dye their hair tend to be looser in bed. Not only that, but they feel more confident in general, and overall do it for attention, especially from strangers. No wonder all the gals at the bar quite clearly "don't match the drapes" if you know what I mean.

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