Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'


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More Duh!

I'll just let the study results speak for themselves: Men are far more interested in casual sex than women. While men need to be exceptionally attractive to tempt women to consider casual sex, men are far less choosy. HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY GOD I AM TOTALLY CHANGING MY WORLDVIEW AND GONNA GET MYSELF A COOL PAIR OF KICKS AND QUIT MY JOB AND MAKE NECKLACES AT FLEA MARKETS CUZ I'VE BEEN SO WRONG ALL THESE YEARS. No, wait, it gets better: Americans and Italians are far sluttier than Germans. HOLY SHIT JESUS HERE I COME THE EPIPHANY IS HERE AND THE EARTH IS DONE WITH ME. Okay, okay, let me catch my breath - *phoo* - and people get paid to do this sort of science? On one hand, anecdotal evidence doesn't go over well in other research, so they have to cite factual studies somehow. On the other hand, studies that say things like, "As proven in Anderson-Whorrel (133), humans need to eat food every few hours while awake..." makes you get beat up by the less nerdy researchers and they steal your WoW stuff.

Big Girls To Fuck!

Complex magazine has released their list of "big" women they'd like to fuck. Er, rather, they say "get crushed by", so I was expecting some obese women, but I didn't expect a mildly misogynistic reference from a lad's mag! Complex magazine is published on The Island of Tiny Women, so I can see how they were confused: everybody on their list is around average size, or maybe just a little bigger than normal. They might want to stop watching their online porn: here's a clue, guys - porn stars wear high heels because they're tiny - and that makes men's dicks look bigger. Real women are over 5 feet tall, are around a size 16, and are more than happy to fuck you for fun, but they're not so ugly that they need your charity. "Ah, she weighs more than 120, she'll appreciate that I want to fuck her, because it's quite clear nobody else would."

College Virginity Rates!

It's probably completely made up, but I can't find a fault in its factuality: a bar graph showing virginity rates upon graduation. That's not just any virgins, though: this is a chart for Wellesley, a private womens college. Art majors bottom out the extreme end at zero graduating a virgin. Duh, the virgins all realized their sophomore year that an art major doesn't pay well, and switched to an Economics major. On the other end of the chart, are, unsurprisingly, math majors - so, take a wild guess the major of the person that spent a Friday night making a gradiated bar graph instead of fucking some drunk guy on their roomates' loft bed?

Chastity AND No Marriage!

Boy, Evangelicals are becoming the Catholics of the 21st century: not only do they make their children feel guilty for having sex before marriage, they make them feel guilty for marrying young, too. Ah, controlling parents lasting well into adulthood sounds, um, awesome? Hey, you, seventeen-year-old with raging hormones: if you have sex, you're going to hell, but if you marry so you can have sex, you're going to hell, too. Wait until you're past college, are bringing in a good paycheck, and then you can finally have sex. That sounds like a completely do-able plan! Evangelical children: didn't the Palins teach you anything? Sure, you have your purity ring and abstinence pledge, but go ahead and fuck whoever you want, because when you get pregnant or get somebody pregnant, your family will rally around you and help out like it's the greatest thing ever! Careless premarital sex is the best thing that can happen to you - oh, and guys, you better bet that the evangelicals' Victorian morality works in more ways than expecting chastity: you can stick your dick in any non-evangelical you want, especially prostitutes - that's how the system has worked for a hundred and fifty years. You kids trying to follow the letter of the law just don't get it. The rules are contradictory so you can pretend you're better than everybody else, even though you're doing the same thing as those you criticize. Hey, if a couple people have stamina to actually be a virgin until thirty, good for them, but they don't have to.

Con Hand Job!

Holy fuck, I need to start going to geek conventions and acting like a horny idiot. Blog journalist goes to con, connects with people, and ends up participating in a one-man circle-jerk. If I knew it was that easy to get jacked-off in public, I'd start telling more people - venue was my problem; when I tried this in the lobby of the dentist's office, nobody was particularly interested in joining in.

One Night Stand Chart!

You know nerds run the internet, because sex-related charts, graphs, and diagrams are everywhere. Here, Maxim - known for being the "home for nerds" - plots out the steps of consummating a one-night stand. What they fail to mention is that, if a guy needs to learn from this chart to get it done, that fucker will never, ever get to the starting point on the flowchart. That is the complicated part. But, hey, we all know the Maxim guys haven't figured that out yet: they got the info for this flowchart from the beginning of Knocked Up.

Sex = Slow and Fast!

Men's Fitness wants to make sure you're pacing yourself while having sex - she likes it slow, and it's better for your stamina, so, guys, take your time, use lots of forepl- wait, what? On second thought, the Daily Mail is tired of your shit, Men's Fitness, women need it hard and fast. How about this, gals: you tell us what the fuck you want, we'll do our best, and stop saying we're doing it wrong. Everybody wins!

Quickie Art!

Sometimes, you know, you and her are both up for it, but you've got to get back to work, or your parents just pulled up in the driveway, or the judge is going to read your sentence is in a couple minutes - what are two randy people to do? First, read Made Man's advice on how to have a quickie, with four do-don't pairs. One of the "don'ts": Don't plan. So if you read the list, don't commit anything to memory, you might be chastized for planning too much. I mean, come on, man, she's there, you're erect, you know where she wants it, get to work and stop being a self-conscious ass who needs tips from a men's website.

Bad Economy: No Office Sex!

Boy, back in the day, office hookups were happening left and right when the economy was good. Bad economy? People are keeping their panties on at work. Office sex seems to be at a low (unless you're a high school teacher, those still pop up in the news as frequently as ever), so you missed your chance, guys: if you thought you had a chance to fuck the cute secretary in the break room, her financial worries are keeping her libido in check. Just hope she sticks around until the next housing or dot-com bubble, then you might be able to sneak up that miniskirt of hers.

Red Wine = Horny!

In a new study, data has shown that women who drink red wine have sexier thoughts afterwards, compared to other beverages. Oh, I suppose that warm, fluffy feeling as the alcohol effect starts has something to do with it (my guess is Red Bull is not even on the charts; their thoughts after drinking were "LETS GO RIDE BIKES NOW WOOO"), but red wine was still a few points higher than other alcoholic drinks. So, men, make sure the dinner you take her to is serving food that goes with red wine; it might make the difference for how the evening ends.

Get Laid For Cheap!

No, I'm not talking about Valerie, the daytime hooker: this list includes way to get yourself into a girlfriend's pants without spending a lot of money. The Art Museum one is actually pretty good; "fake accent" is just lame, and "give a ride home after the bar" is a bit too creepy for me. But, hey, I'm not in charge of your creepy-meter: if calling your ex for a bootycall or treating fat women like sex-crazed easy girls, that's for you to discuss with your psychologist.

Worst Sex Sounds!

Sex is full of sounds, but LoveHoney has put together, in fine pie-chart form, the worse things to hear during sex. Farm animals: OK! "The Front Door Closing": Bad! I think that's a reference to cheating, so I think they get what they deserve in that case. "I love you" wasn't so bad as you might think, and unsurprisingly "other" got the third most votes. "Fart" was the first thing I thought of, and, hey, it's the #1 "other"! Shows LoveHoney what people are really worried about hearing during sex.

Snipped Dicks: Better!

A landmark study in Uganda (Uganda? really?!) has found that womens' sexual experience improves when her man is circumcised. Guys, too, either found the experience unchanged - or better. Boy, those ancient peoples who started the circumcising craze weren't just doing it to make the penis look bigger: they actually had womens' orgasms in mind.

Awesome Sex Problems!

Doesn't a nymphomaniac sound awesome? Constant orgasms? Er, no, reminds Cracked, who have provided a list of awesome-sounding sexual dysfunctions that really, really suck. No, don't even try to figure out how to make it work, like putting the nymphos with the priapists: it just gets worse the more you try. Trust me, I know from experience.

20 Sex Don'ts!

If you've ever needed to know what not to do, turn to Fox News: their sexpert has 20 of the worst sex faux pas, so don't do 'em. The list is woman-centered, of course, because men know everything about doing sex right as it is. Each one of her points, however, does have a correlating opposite: append each statement with "...unless that's what you're in to." Never let sex get routine...unless that's what you're in to. Never drink more than 1-2 glasses of alcohol...unless that's what you're in to. Never just lie there....unless that's what...er, that's kinda creepy in a necro way. Anyhow, for coming from Fox, the list isn't so bad, yet preys on women's idea that they must be doing something wrong.

Vintage Personals!

You think those "missed connections" posts at Craigslist are desperate and creepy? Take a look at Victorian personals. Urlesque even provided some humorous (if not accurate) translations, in case you have trouble understanding 19th century sluttese.

Best Fetishes!

Your average teen sex flick covers the wierder, movie-friendly fetishisms but what about the less humorous, but still odd sexual obsessions? Thank Nerve for compiling a sex researcher's favorite fetishes, complete with scientific names. The peanut butter one sounds like it was made up for a movie, though; even their description doesn't sound like the participants found anything sexy about it, either. The rest, though - arousal to statues, music, giants, beards - hardly sound nasty, until you get into the true fetish aspect, which means it's about the only way for the participant to get aroused.

Sex Talk Chart!

If you're one of those guys who needs a chart to do anything useful, here's the one to get printed on a poster and tape to your ceiling: a venn diagram of how to talk during sex. Good: "Oh God!" Bad: "We're going to hell for this." Good: "ROAR!" Bad: "SOOOWEEEE!". The bad "Thanks" string at the top is awesome, too. Better yet, just read the bad side: for one, it helps more to know what not to say; better yet, find a girl who is turned on by that side of the chart, and you better fucking hold on to that woman forever, you'll never have crazy-ass sex like that ever again.

Orgasm: Why Bother?

Does an orgasm really live up to the expectation? Not really, says Fox News, who, from watching the few minutes of that channel that I can stand before my eyes roll back in my head and I choke on my tongue, few of their anchors have ever really had one: that's why they get so orgasmic over terrorism and the failure of democracy. Oh, no, the Fox "Sexpert" doesn't say to never have them, but she wants you to realize that laughing is just as good. And being really, really excited. Or something. Ultimately, she's trying to say that "we serve ourselves well in approaching every positive experience as potentially orgasmic," so, there you go, humanity: everything is orgasmic. I may have to invest in some adult diapers: a day that orgasmic is going to leave my jeans a sticky mess in a short amount of time. Believe me, I know from experience.

Staglist!

Now that Craigslist has bowed to pressure to remove / alter their "adult services" categories, a new market has opened up: Stagslist hopes to fill that void, continuing to promote the spread of self-loathing and gonorrhea between strangers now that Craigslist has lost their foothold in the genre. According to their press release, as seen on SexSF, they're more disappointed with Craigslist's changes than coming up with anything new, but, well, as long as they make it easy and cheap, it's going to get used a lot. As of noon today, their site still said, "official launch this Thursday, July 9th", which is now.

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