Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'


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Quick Trigger: Genetic!

Hey, guys, it's not your fault! Premature ejaculation may be genetic, thus the insta-spurt as soon as you get your dick into a woman can't be your fault. Previously, it was seen as psychological, but now it may be heavily ingrained into a man's genes. Now, if only they'll find the source of the "aren't you done yet?!?" that I'm always getting asked.

Figured Out At An Orgy!

I've never been, so to speak, because orgies aren't something that just walk up to you and ask you to come along. That is, unless you're attending a slutty college - Greta Christina and her boyfriend, without any other plans, got invited to a spontaneous orgy, and she happened to learn a couple things about herself in the process. Who knew: orgies are educational! I suppose that's because it happened at an institution of higher learning. Late-thirties me should go hang out at a university for a while, hope some of this "learning" will fall in my lap, too!

Virginity Auction: Done!

Some guy won a woman's virginity for around $13,000, and now she's telling the story. Short of it: losing your virginity is lame, uneventful, lacks fireworks, and hurts a little. Buy, hey, she could make a nice downpayment on a car with hers: most women just spendthe next few weeks trying to keep the attention of their boyfriend and worry they're pregnant.

Vulgar Periodic Table!

Sometimes, there's something naughty to say, but you're not sure where it falls in the structure of vulgarity - get this poster, and you'll have a basis. If it works like the real periodic table, you can also figure out which go together with others more readily and effectively, but watch out for creating a critical mass: somebody might get hurt:
(originally from College Humor, copied to sex is funny, linked by sexoteric.)

Group Sex: Women Like It!

A recent survey shows that women are just as interested in a threesome as guys are. Those surveyed? Well, um...they were voluntary respondents from the userbase of a dating and swingers website; Churchy McBoringfuck isn't probably available on a swinger's website to balance out the adverse selection, but, hey, it does show that swingers are pretty evenly matched in genders, at least among those willing to admit it. And, by 'group sex', they largely mean threesomes - don't get your orgy-lovin' panties all wound up, mister, you're still going to have to hire hookers to balance out the participants next weekend.

Convention Nookie!

Going to any conventions soon? If you're not interested in spending all your time in an empty hotel room, here's how to get laid at a convention. Of course, they're focusing on Sex 2.0, which has a higher percentage of sex-friendly attendees than, say, the Librarians and Museum Curators Convention in Pewaukee, Wisconsin, but you never know...librarians can be rather hot, sometimes. (via)

Geeks Better In Bed!

When quizzed on their use of sex toys in bed and their willingness to care about their partner's sex enjoyment, nerds were more giving than men in fitness-related jobs, proving that nerds are fucking grateful to find a woman willing to give of herself in the bedroom. Personal trainers, business owners, construction workers? They're hot, who needs to try harder? I'm not sure where I fit: my paycheck says I'm a manual laborer, but the amount of math and design in my job leads me to call myself a nerd much of the time. That makes me both god's gift to women and an excellent lover. What's a guy like me to do?

Billy Mays: Pickup Artist!

Oh, how I wish this article went into greater detail: Billy Mays, Mr. Oxyclean himself, has plenty of tips for the pickup artist. It does make sense. What products are "As Seen On TV?" They're the ones that you wouldn't just happen across at the store, or have no predecessor for a cultural anchor. They're the unique thing that nobody knows they want yet...exactly what a pickup artist is. Or tells themselves they are; most pickup-artists I've met are generic, lookalikes with little else redeeming about them. If one starting selling himself with a Billy Mays approach, I'll bet he'd have far more opportunities to fuck hot women than Mr. Sensitive-Tease-Mc-Flirty-Ass. I'm sure Billy Mays fucks, what, ten, fifteen women every night? He's a freakin' dynamo.

How To Give a Blowjob!

Sorry, guys, this article isn't for you (well, unless you want to learn how to: that threesome you've been asking your woman for might not be MFF like you think) - how to give a blow job is a useful tutorial to lots of women out there; I like oral, most men like oral, as long as it's done right. One caveat, if you're a woman uncertain about her oral sex talents: a huge number of men can't orgasm just from oral sex. I'm one of them - but you need to remember that it's not because the blowjob is bad. More than likely, his orgasm meter is sitting at about 85%; it just can't get any higher that way, but you're blowjob is pushing him most of the way, and that feels freakin' good. Do it until you get tired of it, then move to something else - just because he didn't come doesn't mean you weren't good enough, it means he spent 10 minutes so close to an orgasm that he could barely stand it.

Find A Hottie For Threesome!

It can be tough to find a hottie for a threesome (or, ahem, so I've heard), so Franklin Veaux's journal has provided a handy flowchart for finding the "unicorn", that elusive, magical beautiful woman who's single, looking for two homely-looking people to have sex with, and is free from emotional hang-ups or baggage. Hell, everyone wants one of those, regardless of bisexuality!

Hurricane Babies!

Last October, Hurricane Ike blew into Texas, shutting down power, facilities, and roads, forcing people to crowd into close, sweaty quarters to "ride it out", so to speak. Let's see...that was, what, eight, nine months ago? Houston hospitals are gearing up for "Hurricane Ike Baby" season, with births up an expected 25% over this time last year. Snowy states have blizzard babies, New York had blackout babies, it's beginning to look like people not born during a disaster are the norm. See, I was born in June, so the disaster the previous October that my parents experienced was, "two recent high-school graduates realize that getting laid makes rural living easier." I'm so glad they survived.

Polish Priest: Fuck!

We've seen that an American has been advocating hot sex among the devoted, but now a Polish priest has got a book on the same track. It's awesome to see religious types looking at the positive by advocating the "right" sex acts, rather than always so negative about the "wrong" kinds of sex acts. With all this advocacy by priests for positive sexual experience, rather than fucking that's "sad like a traditional church hymn," Catholicism is going to be known as the slutty religion pretty soon. Take THAT, Wiccan motherfuckers!

Intelligence = Orgasms!

It's not book intelligence, though, so we're sorry, Daily Mail illustration of a woman wearing glasses (we all know glasses on a woman means a degree in something requiring math), this story isn't really about you. Women with a higher "emotional intelligence" tend to enjoy sex more and orgasm better than women whose emotional intelligence is stunted. The study examined the sexual practice of 2,000 female twins - which is the best fucking job ever - and found that the emotionally smarter of the two had better sex; I'd wager that means the sluttier of the two had more emotional intelligence, which gives the sluts one-up on their brainy counterpart. I can actually vouch for that: my history bucks the odds, and I've had three partners who were the nerdy half of a pair of twins. I - oh, what? No, I was just bragging, I don't know anything about their emotional intelligence.

Who's On Adult Friend Finder?

If you're wondering who's on AdultFriendFinder, you don't have to drop thirty bucks a month to do it: Holy Taco has done it for you. Actually, their intern, who has a weird eye for porn, is who they signed up, and they're taking stock of what kinds women are available. Answer: Camgirls, prostitutes, ugly women, and a couple hot women. I like those odds! This article is part 2, and they've only gotten so far as messaging some women - future articles will show whether anybody can actually get laid through AdultFriendFinder.

15 Reasons To Diddle Yourself!

What the fuck - you need a list of fifteen reasons, to find just one reason to masturbate? Em and Lo have come up with Fifteen Reasons To Masturbate, but I'm having trouble reading the list. Fuck, I came before I finished reading #3 - I'll have to wait a couple hours before I can start again at #4. It might be tough, but I'll bet I can get through it in a day or two.

ORGASM = SNOWFLAKE!

U.S. News and World Reports is the ideal source for sex advice, at least amongst most celibate accountants I know (of which there are many), but they did the right thing and got Dr Ruth to pull together five points on how to improve sex lives. In short, Cosmo sucks, orgasms are fleeting, you're responsible for having fun, wine is better than beer, and the afterglow is worth it. And not one reference to international think-tanks or armed insurgents.

Bill Macy Is Old!

Bill Macy is old, but that doesn't stop him from being the awesomest fucking grownup in the world. Here's an excerpt from this interview: Back in my day we were protesting the Vietnam War, and the two places you were pretty likely to get laid was at a protest if there was tear gas, if there was violence of any kind, oh my god, you could get laid in a New York minute. The girls got so hot. The second place was the prom. There's heavy drinking. Here's something to wrap around your hat: The nervous car dealer guy from Fargo trolled Vietnam War protests during the Seventies so he could fuck hot tear-gassed hippies. Bill Macy, you were married to Nina Hartley in Boogie Nights, you were the smartest kid in the world in Magnolia, and now you are the one guy in the world I'd want to have my back next time I go to Tijuana. Bring Felicity, she's kinda hot, too.

Lesbian Onslaught!

Oprah always asks the hard questions: why are lesbians taking over? Answer: because they can. Guys - in general - aren't as sexually flexible as women, but when a woman is presented with some asshole who thinks his dick is god's gift to women (and what man doesn't think such things?) a woman is far more inclined to switch-hit when the pitcher is right. Toss in reduced risk of pregancy, a likelihood of common pasttimes, and (in the Oprah article's case) being famous enough to have your pick of attractive women, and you're in like Flynn. Plus, there's not as much of a social stigma today as in the past, when you had to tell people you were two spinster schoolmarms helping each other out, and nobody wants to pretend to be a schoolmarm, for christ's sakes. In standard Oprah-style, there's also an enormous version of the article on her website.

Sex Problems, By Fox News

Fox News' Sexpert wants to let you know, if your partner isn't interested in having sex with you, it's because you're not pretty enough, you're not adventurous enough, and you ignore their fantasies all day long. Those are the things you need to change in order to get laid, although, in my opinion, the biggest reason for people to avoid having sex with you is that you listen to fucking Fox News. Even their generic "rephrased from a The Frisky artice" sex advice has the sick stench of conservativism that makes dicks shrivel.

Beer Googles: FAIL!

Think you can excuse your coyote ugly one-night stands by counting the number of drinks you had? Think again - tests show that men's ability to tell attractiveness and age isn't impaired by getting drunk; what's impaired is your tolerange for ugly, old women, you sleaze. By the end of the night you'll fuck just about anything, and you can't say the beer made her gorgeous.

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