Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'


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Overrated Sex Spots!

Marie Claire has decided to tell you that sex in weird places is overrated - the only one I really take offense to is calling shower sex overrated. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've got a thing for soapy tits, so I cry 'heresy!' and notify the inquisitors about this writer. Safety and comfort are overruling factors during sex? Don Juan didn't stop to think, "ow, my back" while fathering 90% of Portugal, did he? No, I don't think he did.

Ironic Intercourse!

What is the irony of intercourse? That neither side might be doing it right, while pretending to do it for the other one's sake. Solution: tell the other side what the fuck you want. Instead, each side will be fucking according to the stereotype of what they think you want, and is that any fun? Of course not.

Marriage, Kids, and Filthy Sex!

Either it's the title of the worst porno ever, or somebody has forgotten the main reason people get married. Surprise: the people who were supposed to wait until marriage to have sex, are having sex while married. The trick hasn't worked: celibate priests have long known that marriage stops the sex drive, so by forcing people to not have sex until marriage, then living a sexless married life, would make the rest of the world as miserable as a celibate priest. Except for those sex-crazed atheists; they fuck like bunnies, don't you know. But, it turns out, married people will have sex anyway, even if their own children are in the house. Those pervs.

BDSM: Good for Couples!

It sure is a good thing the U.K., and many U.S. localities, outlaw BDSM - it's good for couples and brings them closer together, by sharing their intimate fetish in a safe and loving environment. Don't they realize that controlling society through guilt and artificial morality is the only way people will be happy? What's the world coming to - next thing we'll find out is that people have sex just because it's fun.

Cougar-Lovers: Myth!

Using a scientific sampling of three (one of which was asked a single yes/no question), boston.com has determined that the guys who are interested in cougars are a myth. Somebody should tell the two - two! - cougar-themed reality shows, because no self-respecting guy would be exploited on TV to compete for a relationship with an unattractive woman.

Women: Have Sex Anyway!

Women should have sex even if they don't feel like it, much as in the old days when a husband's beckoning was all that was needed for a roll in the hay. The argument is simple: back before Women's Lib and a woman's ability to admit she enjoyed sex, women still enjoyed sex during the olden days, even if she didn't initiate it when she was horny. A woman will get into it after the guy starts, the new book says, so she should just give in and let him go for it even if sex isn't the first thing on her mind. Oh, and all the bad sex that results from it? Learning curve, ladies!

30-Day-Sex Results!

It has been a year since one crazy church said that, to help marital problems, the faithful should devote time to sex every day for a month. How'd it turn out? AJC has a little comment area, in which only people happy to announce their sex lives in public have posted, which means few devoted Christians, and a lot of perverts. Go perverts! Gracie and I tried the 7-day short-form version of the sex-challenge, and almost made it. Christians must have a lot of spare time; there's only so many hours in the day!

Give Up Sex For Lent?!?

Holy crap, I couldn't do it, but somebody in the UK did - sadly, she didn't check with her husband before making the decision, but, well, if her husband doesn't understand, he must be a godless heathen. So, he writes an advice columnist, who says, "dude, ever hear of a hand-job?" Sadly, the advice columnist doesn't realize: a Catholic so pious to give up sex probably thinks a hand-job or a hummer is a sin, and nobody wants blow-job sin on their...hands...during Lent, you know.

Are You Asexual?

My guess is, if you're panting and erect while staring at the tits I post, you're probably not. If the reason your here is for my erudite and witty comments on the news, and you skip over the pictures because they're wasting valuable interwebs, then you might just be. Here, have some help in determining your asexuality, via a flowchart.

Sex Three Times A Week!

If you want a long-term relationship to work, you better fuck at least three times a week. This comes from a poll in the UK, which also says to kiss and cuddle several times a day, which sounds like a lot of work...but will certainly help you get to the thrice-weekly boinkings. It's awfully hard to work up to sex with someone when you've barely touched in days!

25 Things About Sex

I've wasted most of the day reading this site: 25 Things About My Sexuality. It borders on meme-dom, but it looks edited and the responses are well thought-out, so it's quick reading without getting all "thirteen things my cat did today" on you. I first anticipated it to be moderately arousing; the stories tend to be frank and honest, and largely emphasize people's hangups and flaws in bed -- and all of them seem to be women so far.

Sex: Healthy!

Sex has health benefits! Yes, I know, I post something like this every couple weeks, but it needs to be reminded, over and over - there's far more articles online about how people are doing sex wrong, so we all need to remember how to do it right. So, grab somebody you care about, get naked, burn some calories and release some immunoglobulin A - it's good for you!

Faith-Based Sex: Evil!

Wait, these exist? Neighbors think the Phoenix Goddess Temple is a "sex-temple", a title usually held by those strip-clubs with unadvertised champagne-room 'specials' that are so, so wonderful, or the curtained 'back-room' at the bookstore which sells not only naughty magazines but videos, too. Sex temples? They're all over the freakin' place, so why is the Goddess Temple singled out? "The temple has drawn police attention because its tenets connect spirituality and sexuality and it employs sexual healers and teaches its members about tantric sexual techniques." Dear GOD, the horror: people learning how to enjoy themselves sexually in an open and religiou! s way? That's fucking absurd. Sex is supposed to be seedy, hidden, and dirty: doesn't the Phoenix Goddess Temple understand that their open and faith-based sex is an abomination? (via)

Women: Sex Like Man?

My first answer is, "No, as they do not have any penises!", but the actual question posed by this article is, "can women have careless, no-strings-attached sex and still enjoy it?" It's an odd question, since it assumes that us men have careless, no-strings-attached sex and still enjoy it, which I don't exactly think is completely true, either. The article points out that having an orgasm doesn't necessarily mean you enjoyed sex, but it seems to be the assumption when it comes to men. Sexist bastards!

Vatican: Men, Women Sin!

Evoking some deadly sins, the Vatican is accusing of women being proud, and men being lustful -- based on confessions, which I suppose has more to do with what the sinner wants to admit, especially seeing that (according to the article) a third of Catholics think confession to be unnecessary. So, of the two-thirds that choose to go to confession and relay their sins, the gals love themselves, the guys love poon. Thanks, Catholicism, for straightening that out for us!

Condoms: Thrusting Up!

Of all those industries that benefit from the downturn - lawyers, pawn shops, repo guys - one lowly industry is also doing well: condom sales are up! The theory is that people without money to go to a movie or burn for warmth, they're going to stay in and, ahem, "entertain" themselves. Sex is recession-proof!

Men: Not Sex Machines!

WHAT?!? Pop culture's stereotypes have failed me! It seems that sexuality is actually a sweeping curve that touches all possible levels of sexual desire, depending on the individual person, and men can't all be expected to be letcherous fools? This "dark secret of the bedroom" is the topic of an article from the always level-headed Sun, who warns women that your men may have a lower sex drive than you, for various personal and emotional reasons. Absurd! Women need to be lured and tricked into having sex, by men who would fuck anything remotely female to satiate their lust! They do find something to blame, though: men's diminished value to the household. M! en can't possibly enjoy sex when they're not the primary breadwinner and have to spend so much time at work to afford the payments on their subprime mortgage and the rising cost of gas. It's society, ladies - it couldn't possibly be that he just doesn't want to have sex with you.

RIGHT NOW!

Well...OK...but, I mean, Grandma's in the kitchen and Father O'Rourke is sitting right over there, and he'll be done with his coffee in just - okay, okay, stop yelling, we can just go- oh, no time to move to the bedroom. But what if-OKAY! 15 reasons to have sex right fucking NOW, you procrastinating asshole! It's like yesterday's post, but with the oblivious urgency of a coke addict.

Sex: Good!

Um, DUH. But, it's nice to, one in a while, remember that sex isn't all pedophiles and white slavery. In fact, there's very little of those, on the scale of things - so, go fuck somebody, make it a good event for both of you, and the world will be a better place. Maybe more, if you do a little spanking, too.

The Baseball-Fucking Metaphor

I, of course, was never so juvenile to try and use the baseball metaphor for sexual contact, even though Meatloaf was bringing it to everybody's attention about the time I was starting to actually round the bases. XKCD has a handy reference guide for you, although I think "Eye Contact From Janeane Garofalo" should be much, much closer to the Maginot Line than represented.

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